Miller's son [BoyxBoy]

Sitting on a cold stone floor in the kitchen, Sabien listened to the sounds of Juliet's steps. His sister was always nervous during a storm or heavy rain. Sabien could clearly picture her pacing back and forth in their bedroom. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough space in the little house for them to have separate bedrooms. Father invested as little money to their home as possible because everything they had they needed to build a mill and start a business. Sabien stood up from the floor, slightly shivering from cold. He wasn't particularly uneasy about the whether - he rather liked the sound of strong wind trying to shatter their windows and possibly bring down the whole house, raindrops falling heavy on the narrow stone path leading from the house to the mill. It was a change from the ordinary at least. He didn't really have anywhere to go. His sister was the most undesirable person to be with in such weather, their parents were sound asleep and there were in fact only three rooms in their house. He started pacing through the kitchen - the largest room in their house - in unison with her sister.

"Sab?" he heard Juliet's voice.
"Yes?" The door to their bedroom opened and revealed a small confined room lit by the candle on a windowsill.
"I thought you went out to sleep in the kitchen," she said. He didn't even bother to look at her.
"I did. But I couldn't. While I would easily fall asleep with just the storm going on outside, your steps are far more disturbing than any thunder," he said calmly. He always spoke calmly ever since they began to live there. He became calm and cold - the only way for him to survive, as he believed. Juliet frowned at his words. Not from anger, merely hurt. Sabien knew she couldn't help her anxiety and it was already a progress that she didn't have to run to mother to hold her tightly.
"I'm sorry, Sabien, but I can't control it," she said quietly and closed the door behind her. Despite her words, Sabien didn't hear any more steps and guessed that she laid down and was shuddering in her bed.
He didn't even sense any trace of guilt. He trained himself well. First time they came to town nearly three years ago, he instantly disliked it there. Surely, the forest by their house, a river that gave them the opportunity to build a watermill - he couldn't dislike. But he wasn't really allowed to go to the forest and neither did he have time to walk through the fields nearby. No, he lived on a small piece of land from the house to their mill next to the river. Occasionally, he was sent to town about two miles away for some errands, which always made him happy for a short while. Other then that, his parents simply needed him to work in the mill. He never refused to do anything they asked, but he had to express how unhappy he felt. So he adapted his insides to the outside world. He was forced to live in a cold stone building and so he himself became cold and hard as stone. Never again caring about their parents feelings as they didn't seem to care about his.

Sleep didn't come to him even with renewed silence in the house. He became restless and angry with himself. Sleep was very important for him, since he had to work all day and had no energy to lose. Sabien's heart nearly stopped when he heard loud knock on the door. Thousand explanations flooded his mind, mostly involving a lost bird losing control or some wild animal that went astray. Then it happened again. This time he heard three distinct knocks, sounding rather urgent. Afraid that it would wake someone up, he had no choice but to go unlock and open the door. As he did, he was nearly forced to fall back by the powerful gust of wind. He managed to catch the doorknob in the last moment so that he ended up merely taking a step back. Then he focused all his attention on the man in front of him. He was taller then him, even though he was hunching. Sabien couldn't see his face, a candle on the table behind him being the only source of light.

"What do you want?" he shouted because of the loud wind. For a split second, the man could see Sabien's unfriendly face in the white flash of lightning. The stranger waited while the thunder raged and then spoke: "I need a shelter. I won't be any trouble, please, I'll be gone in the morning," he said pleadingly although Sabien immediately noticed he wasn't used to pleading. Another lightning enabled the man to see younger boy's face again. He shivered internally, wondering why was such a menacing expression plastered on his face. On such a young and, from what he could notice in those two short moments, beautiful face. Sabien on the other hand was able to see nothing of man's face because the lightnings came from behind him, only highliting his silhouette. But he knew his father's policy - he would always offer help when needed. He sighed.
"Come in!" he shouted loudly and let the stranger in, locking the door behind him. Silence enveloped the two of them.
"Thank you. I will sleep on the floor," man stated, exhaustion creeping into his voice as he looked at Sabien. For the first time, Sabien's eyes landed on his half lit face. He was surprisingly young. Sabien expected him to be much older judging by his tired voice. The man was hooded and he quickly turned around to inspect the room for the best spot to sleep. Sabien regained his apprehensiveness.
"You can sleep on this bench. There's a blanket over there, you can have it," he talked as he gestured towards the said objects. Then he tightened his grip around the key in his hand. He made sure the man won't steal something and run away in the morning, and with that thought comforting him, he walked over to his bedroom's door.
"Thanks. Good night," he could hear a low voice coming from the room now drowned in darkness. It made him scowl and quickly close the door without answering. The voice was friendly and coloured with something he could not yet distinguish. He's never heard a voice like that in his life. And he didn't like the feelings it stirred in him. He locked the door of their bedroom and went to sleep, repeating over and over in his head, that he was a stranger and maybe even a dangerous one.

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Sabien woke up with sunrise, essential habit he had learned in those three years. Juliet was still sleeping. He sat on the edge of the bed and buried his face into his hands. He was tired. Sometimes he wished his own body wouldn't automatically wake him so early, but he had no time to loose. He went to unlock the door and only quickened his movements, when he heard voices from the next room.

"..that true?" asked his father as he opened the door.

He was looking down at the stranger from last night, who was sitting on the bench. They both turned as they heard him enter and close the door behind him.

"Did you let this man in last night, Sab?" inquired his father.

"Yes, I did," answered Sabien, frowning - which was his usual expression. "He asked for shelter and there was a terrible storm outside," explained the boy, even though he didn't find it necessary.

"Yeah, so he tells me," said his father approvingly. "So what brings you here?" he asked in a hard but nevertheless kind voice.

"Well, I've been travelling since this spring. Just trying to find a good place to live. A new home. The storm yesterday caught me unprepared. I'm in debt to you," he said, last words clearly addressed to Sabien because he was the one who let him in.

"What was wrong with your previous home?" asked Sabien harshly, not liking the idea of him and the stranger being somehow connected. He ignored surprised and disapproving look that his father gave him.

"I can't even remember the last time I've had a home. I am," he paused, "or rather I was a soldier," he said slowly, this proclamation evidently causing him pain.

"Why did you leave the army?" asked Sabien again, the retreating hostility leaving space for curiosity.

"Sab, stop interrogating this man. And go attend to your duties, I have something to talk to him about."

Sabien glared at his father for several reasons at once. Firstly, he hated when people called him Sab. His name was Sabien and Sab reminded him of a little child sobbing. Secondly, he turned eighteen last year but his father still didn't acknowledge him as a second man in the family. He never discussed anything important with him, even though he often worked in the mill more than his father. And thirdly, he couldn't stand being ordered around unless he didn't know what to do. He knew exactly what his duties were and his father should know better than giving him orders like this.

If it was even possible, his normally frowned and surly face turned even more so with a distinct shade of indignation. His father's brows lifted in reaction, not knowing what exactly got his son to be so mad at him again, but he knew it was always better when he did not talk. The man on the bench stared incredulously at the boy because he didn't believe it was possible to get into such a mood so quickly and without any apparent reason whatsoever. The door behind Sabien slammed and he was left alone with boy's father.

"Oh, don't mind him... He gets like that... Now, I wonder if you have any experience in working at the mill?" he asked.

Man returned his gaze at the older one, so unlike his son. He felt a spike of curiosity inflamed by his son's strange behaviour. Surely that boy had a reason to behave like that.... or didn't he? He was forced to focus on the father, though.

"Not really, but I am a fast learner," he answered with a growing hope inside. Would this be the place for him to stay? He got several offers of food and bed in exchange for work along the way, but he never really felt interested. Until now...


***

Sabien tried to lift the sack for the third time, but with no luck. He sat on it desperately, scolding himself over and over again. He got so angry that morning, that he overexerted his muscles, trying to accomplish a two days work in one hour. And now, he sat there helplessly. He ended up doing a great progress, but it was worthless unless he could finish it because right now, it was nearly impossible to move through the room. He felt extremely stupid and he hated that feeling.

His thoughts wandered back to the reasons of his earlier anger. As usual, he was angry with his parents. He repeated again and again to father, that it was impossible for just the two of them to keep the mill running. They managed to put up with it for the past two years (they were building the mill first year they lived there), but it has taken it's toll on them both. Maybe not as much on him as on his father. Sabien only grew unhappier and more depressed with the hardship of work, which on the other hand left his body strong and healthy. But his father was withering in front of their eyes. His knees hurt, knuckles sometimes refused to work properly, his back ached and his breathing got quicker. Sabien used to ask them why didn't they try to have another son, but he read in the growing hurt in their silent faces that it wasn't true they didn't want it or didn't try. Sometimes, he thought his family was cursed. He sighed, getting up. He couldn't afford anyone to see the mess he made, when he lost control. He tried not to let anyone see he could get angry or sad. He wanted them to know him as a dead cold shell that they made of him by moving here. It was his only way of revenge.

"Sab!!" his sister's voice shouted from outside. He ran to the door and nearly tripped twice on his way. He got there in time to stop her from entering, holding the door open only at the width of his face.

"Yes?"

"Eh, lunch is ready, we're waiting for you. Didn't you hear us calling?" she asked, slightly startled by his actions.

"Oh, fine. I'll be right there," he answered, piercing her with his gaze, obviously waiting for her to leave. Juliet quickly turned around and went back to the house. He slid through the door and locked it, praying for father not to feel able to work today so that he can finish it in peace later.

As he walked inside the central room of the house, he winced at the sight of a tall young man standing by the window, answering some kind of question his father gave him. He had a semi-long hair the shade of dark brown and even darker, beautifully deep eyes. He had clearly defined muscles, but wasn't very muscular like some other soldiers, whom Sabien had seen. His skin was slightly tanned. It was the easiest thing in the world to imagine the man in a blue uniform of their army, marching amongst precisely structured rows of soldiers, but still somehow standing out because of his height if nothing else. Sabien shook his head abruptly and forbid himself such thoughts.

"What is he still doing here?" he demanded from his father because he expected the man to leave in the morning as he promised last night.

"Sabien, finally. What have you been working on so diligently?" father smiled in an attempt to lift Sabien's spirits. "He agreed to help us. He'll work with you in the mill so that I can rest and take care of the business from here," he explained, a smile not for once leaving his lips. Sabien's eyes widened in shock and panic.

"But we can't afford to pay him," he protested.

"I'm not asking to be paid. I only need food and a bed to sleep in," answered the man, seemingly undisturbed by Sabien's reaction.

Sabien blinked. That was rather strange. The reason they haven't got anyone to help all this time was that every able man wanted to be paid - at least a little - because they didn't really want to spend their entire lives with them. And that gave sense. Everybody wanted to have a family one day and wanted to save something. He gave that strange man a cautious, yet curious look. But it was odd... He came back to frowning.

The man's heart slightly twitched when, for the first time, Sabien's face looked normal, curious even. He was unusually intrigued by him. Sabien was a head shorter than himself. He could see a strong lean muscles on his arms continue under his jacket. But man's eyes kept coming back to his face. He had rusty coloured hair and grey-green eyes. His nose was lightly scattered with freckles. And when Sabien ceased to glower at him, he stopped looking like a stubborn surly child and his face became really beautiful and more mature. Tall man blinked in unpleasant shock as grumpiness found its way back on that rare-looking face. What thoughts ran through that boys head, making him so moody - he wondered.

"Sab, you should be happy about it. You're the one who kept asking us to hire someone and telling me to stop working. Kotris here, will be a great help. Now, shake his hand and let's go eat," said his father eagerly, hoping to transfer some of his relief and contentment on his son. However, he was unsuccessful as always.

Kotris smiled lightly and made a few steps to stand in front of Sabien, holding his hand extended as an invitation. Sabien accepted it for a quick handshake, never leaving taller man's deep dark eyes. His hand was larger and warmer than Sabien's and he liked the feeling of rough skin, hardened by work, brushing against his.

When Kotris released boy's hand, his smile widened and Sabien immediately looked away, trying to regain his dead cold peace. And he did, naturally furrowing his brows in the process. But Kotris didn't mind it that much this time, because as they shook hands, Sabien showed him that beautiful expression again - curiosity mixed with expectation. Then they all sat down to eat.
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As soon as they were done with eating, Sabien got up with an indistinct mumble about having to finish something. His head was aching from thinking so hard about that strange man, Kotris. He talked so easily with his parents during the meal. He seemed honest and friendly. And even though Sabien mostly disliked people who talked too much or were too nice, he couldn't help liking Kotris because he had something serious and deep in him unlike the superficial kindness Sabien imputed to everyone else around him. He spun around as he heard door being closed somewhere behind him when he was half-way to the mill. Kotris smiled and began to walk towards him.

"Greg sent me to help you," explained Kotris. Greg was name of Sabien's father. Younger boy frowned.

"I don't need your help right now," replied Sabien harshly. Kotris halted few feet in front of him.

"Well, whatever you're going to do, it'll be done faster with my help. Where's the harm in it?" asked the man towering over Sabien.

The truth is that Sabien really was bothered by the question of how he was going to finish the work when his muscles were overexerted and extremely weak. He had trouble eating with his hands and he doubted he could lift anything heavier than fork and knife. And there was no way Kotris could find out he's done all that work before noon so he wouldn't look so stupid in front of him.

"Alright," agreed Sabien as he turned around to walk. Kotris silently followed him on his way and into the mill.

"Wow, it's nice," said Kotris appreciatively looking around on the stone walls, flight of stairs ascending to the second floor and breathing in the cold air with millions particles of flour. Sabien threw him a quick curious glance.

"If you think so... Now, we have to move these sacks over there," he pointed behind him, "and prepare those to be taken tomorrow - we'll just get them over here. Alright?"

Kotris nodded and started working. Sabien joined him, gritting his teeth as he fought with his debilitated muscles. He refused to believe he could exhaust them so much during several hours. Unfortunately, he could and he did. After few successfully transported sacks, he found himself unable to even lift his arms. They simply went limp and hung, unmoving, from his shoulders.

"Hey, what's wrong?" asked Kotris with concern, upon seeing a hopeless expression on Sabien's face.

Shorter boy turned his back on him in desperation. What was he going to do? Tell him? One of Sabien's biggest fears was humiliation. And Kotris was a stranger! But wait. Maybe it was better that he wasn't someone who's known Sabien for a long time because boy's instinct to act distant and cold wasn't so strong around him. Boy sighed heavily and sat on one of the sacks, only to wince and look up as man's large hand touched his shoulder. Their eyes met for a second but Sabien broke the contact.

"What is it?" asked Kotris quietly, taken aback by sudden exhaustion in boy's face. Then his eyes examined his flabby arms. "Something wrong with your arms?" Kotris cautiously touched Sabien's right elbow with his fingertips.

Younger boy wasn't used to people touching him at all and he automatically withdrew from man's hand. But that simple contact on his bare skin made his heart beat faster.

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you," reacted Kotris as if he was disappointed with something. Sabien turned away to hide a blush blooming on his face.

"It seems I overestimated my strength," replied boy to Kotris' question in a low voice.

"Yeah... but that's an understatement. You look like you can't even move them."

"That's none of your business," retorted Sabien defensively, standing up to walk away from him. Kotris blinked in shock. Really touchy, aren't you?

"Sorry," he said sincerely wanting to get along with Sabien (which is an understatement as well, he definitely wanted more than just get along), "well, I can move them and you...-" He halted because something was telling him that boy wouldn't react well to any suggestions as to what he should do. "I can do it, it's no problem," he said and congratulated himself for being so careful.

"That's not fair," said Sabien, frowning.

"Oh it is. I'm just returning the favor. You let me in last night, even though you clearly didn't like the idea at all. This is how I'll pay for it," he smiled and started working. Sabien didn't bother to control himself and simply followed every Kotris' movement with his eyes. Did he really look like that? He didn't remember particularly not wanting to help him. No, in fact, he didn't mind it. Why did Kotris say something like that?

"It's not as if I didn't want to let you in," he mumbled. Kotris lifted his head as he sat heavy sack down on the floor. Has he just imagined that? But he could read from Sabien's honest expression that he really said those words.

"I just assumed from the way you... ah, I guess that doesn't really matter now. I'm glad you did though. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten this job and -" he paused to pick up another sack, "wouldn't have met you." He said it in a calm, balanced voice but when he saw Sabien's shocked face, he realized what he'd just said. Sabien's heart fluttered and he got utterly confused.

"I mean you – all of you," stammered Kotris hastily, not believing how his tongue had betrayed him.
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Sabien just continued watching him, as Kotris remained working in silence. Sliding his gaze along tall man's flexing muscles and thinking about things he said. Even though Kotris worked hard, he had no chance of finishing it until sunset. Sabien looked out of the small window on the fields drowned in late dusk and got up from the stairs he had been sitting on.

"We should call it a day," he suggested, realising only then, how dark and chilly it'd gotten inside the mill. He noticed he couldn’t even see Kotris clearly in the dark interior of the mill.

"Wow, it got dark really fast," replied Kotris in agreement. "Heh, don't we have a candle or something? Because I can't see a thing right now."

"I don't think we have. C'mon, it's not that dark yet," said Sabien.

Kotris tried to walk in a direction of the door but something was in his way and he nearly fell over it. "Damn!" He hissed.

"Are you alright?" asked boy with a genuine concern, squinting to see Kotris at the other side of the room.

"Yeah, but I meant that. I have slightly damaged eyesight and I can't see very well in darker environment," he said seriously and started to move again even more cautiously than before.

"Ah, really? Some kind of a war injury?" asked boy out of sheer curiosity.

"Yeah, maybe I'll tell you about it one day," replied Kotris. His feet unfortunately found some kind of obstacle again and this time he really tripped. "Oh, Lord! To hell with this!" growled Kotris from the ground, but his anger was short-lived and quickly replaced by amusement. He laughed a bit. "I can't even get to the door with all these sacks scattered everywhere. Maybe we should have focused on making a reasonably clear path to the door," exclaimed Kotris, amusement still audible in his voice, as he was getting up. Sabien smiled a little.

"Yeah, probably. Wait there," ordered young boy to his new co-worker as he made his way to him, avoiding any obstacles with natural agility.

Kotris obeyed and winced when he felt Sabien taking his hand and pulling him the right way. His smaller hand held him gently, but he still felt somehow dominated by that beautiful frowning boy. He did his best to follow exactly the same track Sabien walked. Unfortunately, he still managed to trip over another sack, because he wasn't following Sabien close enough.

"Uh!" Kotris fell hard on the boy in front of him, who spun around just in time to catch him, but ended up falling on the ground under the other one's weight. Kotris luckily prepared his hands and didn't crash Sabien under him. His hands landed on each side of Sabien's shoulders, lifting him up a bit. "Sorry," he panted.

"Uh-ugh. Fine," breathed Sabien quietly, his body stiffened under Kotris'. He was so close. Sabien could feel the heat, the pleasant heaviness of his strong body. His heart was beating like crazy. When Sabien replied, only then Kotris realised how close their faces (moreover, their lips) were. He could feel Sabien’s hot breath against his mouth.

"Are you okay?" asked the man on top deliberately, wanting Sabien to feel their closeness too.

Young boy shivered, goose bumps emerging all over his body. He knew it wasn't from the cold air, because Kotris' body warmed him, not even mentioning his own raised body temperature. His head felt unusually light, not burdened by the heavy thoughts constantly swirling inside. No, there was only one thing ruling his whole mind; Kotris. He couldn't get himself to answer his question so he just nodded. Kotris was fighting inside, his rational self winning but only partly; Sabien felt feather light touch of warm lips on his own mere second before Kotris swiftly got on his feet and lifted Sabien with him by strong pull of his arms. Sabien slightly staggered as he was forced on his legs, but Kotris held him until he regained his balance.

"Let's go then," prompted older one, when boy didn't move. Kotris was anxious to see the expression on his face. He needed to know if he went too far, if Sabien would try to avoid him or even tell his parents. He felt him shiver and his moves seemed uneasy as he walked in front of him. Kotris followed as close as possible without touching him. Was Sabien angry? Disgusted?
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Sabien didn't fail to wear his characteristic frown during the whole dinner. He listened to Ktoris' calming, cheerful voice as he answered endless questions that Juliet gave him. She couldn't be more obvious about liking him and that made Sabien even more angry. He felt embarrassed by her, but also couldn't stand Kotris talking to her in such a lively way as if he didn't even notice. Sabien could tell Kotris would be an instant hit when introduced to all the girls in town. With his face, body, obvious kindness and easygoing character...

Sabien tried hard not to look at him. He came to conclusion that he had only imagined Kotris kissing him that evening. He could think of many explanations: It wasn't his lips, but another part of his fcae, just brushing against him as he was standing up. Or it could have been just his warm breath, since the pressure was so light. But the main reason why he believed he just imagined it, was Kotris' behaviour. He wouldn't have acted like nothing happened, would he? Smiling like that, talking to his sister, who was adoringly staring at him without even blinking. Sabien felt a sudden urge to slap her. And then, after all, it was absurd. They were both men. Ridiculous. Why am I even thinking about it? He stood up abruptly.
"I'm really tired, I'll go to sleep," proclaimed Sabien.

"Ah, alright, dear. I was thinking that you could sleep with Kotris and Juliet will be sleeping in our bedroom. We still have the old bed there, do you remember?" asked his mother with a smile.

"But - why?" That's all he got out of himself. He didn't understand why did everyone treat him as a part of family when he was there just for one day. It's probably because of his charm - he thought angrily. To hell with that.

"Because he has nowhere else to sleep, obviously. We can't have him sleeping on that bench. No one could sleep on that," she explained, as if it was perfectly clear. Sabien couldn't really see why is it impossible to sleep on it, even though he knew it is probably very uncomfortable. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he understood Kotris couldn't sleep in their parents' bedroom and neither in a separate room with his sister.

"Fine," said Sabien finally. "We're going to town tomorrow, right?" he asked Greg.

"Yes. Is the delivery ready?"

"Yeah, we've finished it just now," answered Sabien.

"Good. Well, I thought I might take Kotris with me, to look around a bit. And you could stay and finish off the stocking."

"What?!" Sabien's heart nearly stopped. He loved going to town. He needed a change from these grey stone walls. "I really want to go to town, father, please," he said imploringly, using all the persuasive force he could find in himself.

"I know you do, Sab, but I want to introduce Kotris to some friends. And event though you like the town, Kotris has never been there. Don't be so selfish," said his father strictly. Sabien gasped.

"I am selfish?" he asked in a very quiet voice, struggling not to burst out. Then strode right to the door, went out and slammed it behind him. He began to walk but it was too slow so he ran into the forest. My father - the one who never even considered anything I've every said, the one who always does what is best for him. That man told me I was selfish? All Sabien's ever wanted from them was peace and to let him do all the work they gave him. Once he understood they will simply ignore his unhappiness and pleadings, he stopped and never complained again. Visiting town was one of a few joys in his miserable life.

He felt utterly helpless as he leaned his back against a trunk of high sycamore tree at the edge of the forest. He knew he couldn't do anything to change his father's mind. He never listened to him. He never listened to anyone. Even his mother knew about it, but both she and Juliet were too submissive to say something – they couldn’t even stand up for themselves. Tears welled up in his eyes and started streaming down his cheeks. And that stupid Kotris has them all wrapped around his finger... He felt a sting of jealousy inside him. And even deeper, a slight sadness because now, Kotris couldn't be his friend. He was his enemy. He shuddered from cold and hugged himself. Boy wiped away his tears and went back to house because he couldn't endure the chilly air anymore. It was late autumn and the nights were very cold. As he got to the door and reached out to open it, he realised he could easily hear voices from within the house.

"...for one. Only one of you can go," said his father's voice.

"Greg, then let Sabien go if he desires it so much. I'll go another time. Surely there will be another opportunity," countered Kotris. Sabien leaned closer to the door, his heart thumping hard from Kotris' words.

"No, no, we go there every month. He doesn't get everything he wants, it's alright," replied Greg light-heartedly. There was silence for a while and Sabien almost went in, when he was stopped again by Kotris' earnest voice.

"He didn't seem alright. Look, Greg, I could really do a lot in the mill. I'll finish it so that everything will be in order. You won't even recognise it when you come back and I don't exactly want to go there." Sabien's breathing quickened. Greg was talking back to his father just because of him. Why would he do that? He couldn't imagine why Kotris would do something like that for him.

"Enough of this! Sab is never really content about anything. And I said you'll go so let's stop talking nonsense and go to sleep. We're leaving early in the morning, we have to be fresh," said his father obviously annoyed. There were sounds of someone getting up and walking, then closing the door.

"Shouldn't we go find him? It's really cold outside," Sabien could hear Kotris' voice again.

"No, he'll be back. And he won't let you find him if he doesn't want to be found," replied his mother calmly and went to the bedroom too, accompanied by Juliet.

After they closed the door, Sabien listened to sudden silence. He took few steps to the right and peeked through the window. He saw the room lit in faint candlelight. Kotris sat on the bench, with his head in hands, looking tired. Sabien gulped with growing strong emotions towards that tall man. He defended him. He even wanted to go after him because it was cold outside. Sabien didn't understand why, but this man seemed to care... And that alone was overwhelming for the boy. He walked to the door and got in, quickly cutting the freezing air off.

Kotris looked up at him. He knew Sabien was probably angry with him. Firstly, because of the kiss, then because he had to sleep in one room with him and now... He didn't fully understand it, but it seemed Sabien wanted to go to the town really badly. And he took his place. Sabien walked to his room. He knew their parents could hear every word spoken in the kitchen and if he was to talk to Kotris, he wanted to do so without such audience.

"Are you going to sleep?" he asked Kotris, before disappearing inside his bedroom, leaving the door open. Kotris was double-shocked. By Sabien's words and by his voice - unusually soft and... enticing. He felt compelled to stand up and walk to the room, after that voice. He closed the door behind him, but realised it was a mistake. He really couldn't see a thing.

"Um... Sabien?" he said into the darkness. Sabien's heart fluttered at the way his name sounded from Kotris' lips.

"Yes?" Kotris was pleased to find that there was no hostility in Sabien's voice.

"I can't see anything. And I've never been here, so I don't know where my bed is." Sabien got up and walked to him. He took his hand as he did in the mill and guided him to Juliet's bed. He pushed him a bit, to make the taller man sit down.

"Your hands are cold," said Kotris. He took both smaller hands into his to warm them, fearing Sabien's reaction. His fear turned out to be unnecessary because after few seconds, he felt Sabien sit down next to him. He turned to face him.

"Sabien..." whispered Kotris unsure what to do. Sabien smiled at the sound of his name. He enjoyed the feeling of Kotris' large warm hands enveloping his own.

"Sorry,"said Kotris.

"Thank you," whispered Sabien at the same time.

"For what?" asked man in genuine surprise. Sabien smiled again and withdrew his hands only to wrap them around Kotris'.

"For helping me, for standing up for me in front of father, for everything. I don't know why did you do it, but I'm grateful. Why are you sorry?"

Kotris breathed in and closed his eyes. Feeling of Sabien being so... friendly - gentle even - with him was infinitely sweet. He was afraid he'd ruin it, but there was no helping it once he started.

"For going to that town in your place... for intruding and for... - for that... for kissing you," he whispered and the last words were nearly inaudible. Sabien stiffened. He hasn't imagined it. He didn't have a clue what to do. Slowly, he released Kotris' hands, but remained sitting next to him.

"W-why did you do it?"

"What?"

"Why did you... kiss me?"
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Whatever Kotris expected from Sabien, it certainly wasn't a question "why". Astonishment at the fact, that Sabien didn't throw him out or call him disgusting and sick, was quickly replaced by confusion. What should I tell him? He wanted to tell Sabien how beautiful he was. How it saddened him to see boy's grey-green eyes glaring at the world so lifelessly and his face never ceasing to frown. Yet, Kotris could see life in him. Deep inside as well as on the outside. The very colour of his rusty hair seemed to prove his life-energy. And the determination with which he worked... and that flashes of curiosity Kotris's been lucky enough to witness. What Sabien lacked, was happiness and Kotris was unreasonably sad about it. He couldn't help wanting to make him happy, make him smile and laugh - like all the other boys his age did - like Sabien deserved as well. But Kotris would be lying to himself, if he said this was the only reason he kissed him. Actually, his intentions were everything but selfless. The truth was - he wanted him. Even in Sabien's broken state, even if he growled at him most of the time (not to mention how strangely nice he was right now), Kotris has never been so attracted to someone. And that realisation made the dark-eyed man remember the reason why he left army - General Gabe Carrion. He shivered at the memory of General's sweaty hands crushing his hips in a strong passionate grip. His aggressive lips sucking painfully on young colonel's. Sticky tongue travelling down his chest, triggering an urge to vomit inside him. Kotris remembered that one time he tried to defend himself and immediately shivered as a wave of horror rushed through his body. He always thought General damaged him so much that he'd never be able to either love or at least desire someone. But this eighteen years old red-haired, freckled boy simply blew his mind.
"Kotris?" demanded Sabien. Taller man sighed. He had to be honest, there was no other way.
"I... I couldn't resist..."confessed Kotris quietly, partly hoping Sabien wouldn't hear him. Guilt instantly attacked him. He could try to make Sabien happy being just his friend. It was his own lust and filth with which General has infected him, that drove Kotris to feel such a strong passion for the innocent boy next to him. He could feel Sabien shift and then get up from the bed. Boy went on towards his bed.
"Sabien, please, I'm sorry," said Kotris in an attempt to stop him. He could tell it was successful because the steps ceased, but only to start again after several seconds.
"It will never happen again. I promise, Sabien, I shouldn't have done it." Sabien didn't stop this time, he simply lay down on his bed and closed his eyes in the chaos of his emotions.
"Does it mean you - you're one of... them?"
"Them?" asked Kotris, glad that Sabien sounded rather wary than hostile.
"Those... abominations that our pastor preaches about at Sunday sermons? We never talk about them outside the church..." said Sabien with difficulties. Kotris sighed. He knew only too well what the Holly Church preached about men who liked men. He didn't believe himself to be an abomination or a son of devil. He believed it was General who made him like this. Kotris detested himself for it and even more for the fact that he dirtied Sabien by kissing him. But still, even if it was a sin, if it was filthy and evil... it felt amazing... Just that one light touch of lips along with holding Sabien's hands, feeling his body trembling under him... It didn't feel wrong, he simply wanted to be close to him. Kotris shuddered at the thought he was never to feel Sabien's smooth skin against his own.
"I don't know, Sabien... If - if liking another man means I'm an abomination..." he closed his eyes in the last attempt to figure out whether it was a good idea to be so frank. "Then I guess I am." There was a long silence in the small room.
"I think we should sleep now. There's a hard day in front of you," said Sabien finally, his voice cold as if nothing had happened between them. It hurt but Kotris didn't protest. Anyone would need time to think after such conversation.
"Good night."
"Sleep well," replied Sabien, though he had no intention of going to sleep. Millions of contradicting thoughts swirled in his head, literally preventing him from falling asleep. His previous softened behaviour seemed very stupid and embarrassing to him. He decided he won't ever let his shields down like that again. As much as he knew he should, though, red-haired boy couldn't make himself feel sickened by Kotris. Yes, pastor Welby sometimes mentioned this "scarce evil malformation of soul" - as he called it. Sabien did agree it wasn't right, even though not because of what pastor Welby or the Holly Church said - he hated religion and visiting church as much as everything else in his life - but this seemed unnatural. He always pictured this particular sin as a diverted lust. However hard he tried, though, he couldn't connect Kotris to it. There was nothing perverted or evil in him. When a memory of Kotris' face emerged in his mind, he sighed heavily and forbid himself to think about it any further. He knew he should be angry with the man who kissed him, but since he couldn't bring himself to do so, he simply decided he will ignore him at least.

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When Sabien woke up, Kotris and his father were already gone. As he trudged towards the mill, still tired from lack of sleep and yesterday's overexertion, he remembered the last night which got him into his grouchy mood again. He spent the whole day alternately being angry with his father, angry with himself, confused about Kotris and depressed that he didn't get to the town. He missed the dark-eyed man's help in the mill because his arms were still a bit weak and even though he'd never admit it, he missed his warming presence as well. It was long after sunset when he heard horseshoes pounding against the road. His heart immediately reacted by rising his pulse. He's back... - ran through his mind. Not even moving in his bed, he listened as they entered the house. His father was drunk as Sabien expected. He would always drink when he went to town and Sabien's task was to get them both home safely. He heard his father shout: "Good night, lad!" And then the door to his own bedroom opened and were slammed so quickly, he doubted anyone could enter in such a short time. But soon enough, there were sounds of someone staggering and then collapsing on Juliet's bed. He's drunk too?! How the hell did they get back? He was outraged by such irresponsibility. It was no easy thing to do - riding through the fields at night. He looked at the window and noticed bright moonlight through the gap between the closed curtains. That helped him calm down a bit.
"Sabien? Are you awake?" whispered older man so loudly that it'd certainly wake Sabien up even if he were asleep.
"Now I am..." replied Sabien reluctantly. He remembered his decision to ignore Kotris, but it was simply impossible. Without him, he really didn't have anyone to talk to at all.
"How was your day? I was thinking about you," continued Kotris drunkenly.
"As usual."
"As usual? Were you frowning and sulking all the time again?" asked Kotris curiously. Sabien gasped. How dare he?
"You're drunk," said the boy sullenly.
"Not as much as your father tried to get me," replied Kotris with a chuckle.
"I hate it when someone is drunk. Good night," proclaimed Sabien, feeling inexplicably hurt.
"Yeah... you hate a lot of things, don't you? I wonder why," mused Kotris, his tone suddenly serious, ignoring Sabien's last words. Sabien lay still and silent. Drunk man, who'd known him for just a few days and who tried to kiss him yesterday, was talking to him as if he had any right to ask such questions. Did he?
"Sabien? How old are you?" inquired Kotris relentlessly.
"Eighteen."
"You're so young..." sighed Kotris as if it meant so much more to him than just that simple number. "And isn't there anything you enjoy in life?"
Sabien was slightly taken aback by that question. Of course there is... right?
"I enjoy going to town," he said, congratulating himself on managing to answer spitefully.
"Is that the only thing - only thing in the whole world that you like?" asked Kotris, obviously unharmed by boy's previous answer.
"Well," began Sabien hesitantly, "I - I like the forest and the fields. I like walking away from here... and I liked pears," said boy on a sudden impulse.
"Liked?"
"They're impossible to get around here, but they grow where we came from." Sabien closed his grey-green eyes and fell silent.
"What else?" encouraged him Kotris.
"Hmmm... Snow. I guess. Winter. When the work's over."
"Really? Aren't you trapped inside, during the winter?" asked Kotris with interest.
"No. I go out nearly every day. I have all the time in the world - there are only minor tasks to do," replied Sabien. He gradually let his guards down and was talking with unusual ease.
"So, what do you think about on all those walks you love so much?" Kotris tried not to sound very cheerful about the fact that Sabien was revealing something about himself.
"I don't know... Everything. Until last year, I dreamed about running away. But then I turned eighteen and ended up staying..," said Sabien lost in thoughts.
"Maybe because you knew your family wouldn't make it without you - and you actually care."
Sabien frowned.
"And maybe I can leave now, since you appeared and will help them get by," countered younger man, suddenly aware of what Kotris made him divulge, and a little bit angry.
"Oh, come on," moaned Kotris, unhappy that Sabien closed himself again. "As if I'd have any reason to stay once you've left."
"What?"
"Ah..." sighed Kotris exhaustedly, not in a mood to explain anything, because he'd have to censor every word and he had neither energy nor mental abilities to do that when he was drunk and tired.
"Kotris! What did you just say? Is this some kind of a game?"
"No!" exclaimed Kotris. "I'm too drunk for any games. And tired," mumbled the young man.
"Then why the hell did you say that?"
"Oh, Sabien, for Christ's sake. You don't want to hear it. You'd get even angrier."
Sabien sensed some truth in those words but he couldn't stop himself.
"Are you saying you've stayed because of me?" asked rusty-haired boy guardedly.
"Sort of..."
"What?"
"Not only because of you," replied Kotris defensively.
"Is that supposed to help?"
"Aaaah, Sabien..." Kotris covered his face with his hands. He didn't like this situation - not at all.
"Why would you stay because of me?" asked Sabien incredulously. Kotris closed his eyes under his hands. Don't tempt me, not now. - he thought hopelessly.
Sabien's heart was thumping hard in his chest. This was incredibly weird, but he felt so... alive. Kotris obviously cared or at least found him interesting and that - no matter how much he tried to kill that feeling - made him excited and a little warmer inside. It would be easy to hate this strange man if he only showed sick lust for Sabien. But he didn't. He asked him all those questions and Sabien told him things he's never told anyone else before. Kotris argued with Greg for him and seemed to notice his moods... And he promised he'll never do anything like that again... Sabien sighed. He'll probably never touch me again. Feeling of relief Sabien expected to come with those thoughts wasn't there, however. There was only weak disappointment.
"Sabien?" breathed Kotris lightly.
"Hm?"
"Can we not talk about it?" Sabien didn't feel any traces of anger inside him anymore. His mind was occupied with the distance he had defined between the two of them, before he even had a chance to find out whether he wanted it to be there. The distance he created between him and everyone else, between himself and the world. The distance that made him so cold. But was he even able to be closer to someone?
"Yes. We don't have to - not now, when you're drunk and talking nonsense," he answered. Sabien really didn't mean to sound so cold, but he was so used to talking like this, with his shields up and active. That way, it was extremely hard to be any nicer.
"Uhm..." grunted Kotris and instantly fell asleep, shortly followed by the younger man.

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Next day went by quickly. Sabien and Kotris were working together but Greg was always present so they didn't get to talk to each other at all. They were stocking up for winter and with days getting colder and colder, they had to make several extra visits to town. Sabien knew it and was hoping father would take him on most of them, if not all. This topic was brought up in the evening while they were dining.
"Listen, Sab. We'll have to make two more trips to the town," began his father while slicing potatoes on his plate.
"I know," answered Sabien.
"I'll take you first and then Kotris. How does it sound?" continued Greg cheerfully, as if he was doing Sabien a generous favour.
"Good," replied Sabien dully. It was still better than nothing.
"Daddy, you've never told us how was your visit to town," said Juliet suddenly, tucking her long red hair behind one ear. Hers had a different shade of red than Sabien. His hair had a soft rusty colour, which complemented his gray-green eyes and light freckles. It was as if his whole appearance was just a fragment - a mere sample - of what could be found inside, enticing anyone who was patient enough to look at him for a little longer. Whereas his younger sister had hair the colour of bright red, which evoked image of burning fire - all her beauty and emotions displayed right on the outside - which was exactly her character because she was like an open book for everyone to read.
"Ha! You should all have seen Daphen daughters, when I introduced Kotris to them!" laughed Greg turning to his wife and daughter. "They were all suddenly sophisticated and elegant - you wouldn't even recognise them if they hadn't had the same faces!" Juliet and Edna laughed along with him. Sabien couldn't very well imagine any of Mr. Daphen's daughters behave sophisticated, yet, he didn't find it amusing - rather pathetic. But again: what did he find amusing?
"Did he have a great success then?" asked Juliet in an innocent tone.
"Oh, the greatest, sweetheart. Women couldn't keep their eyes of him and he spoke rather captivatingly - you know how we value men who fight for our country. Everyone was impressed - even old Hartty Bengance." Greg talked as if Kotris wasn't even present in the room, while Juliet and Edna watched him intently. Sabien's curiosity drove him to cast a quick glance at him. Kotris was looking down on his plate, slightly uneasy and blushing. That sight nearly made Sabien smile - he was afraid he'd see contempt or too much confidence in man's face, but he seemed rather abashed, not to mention how handsome he looked with a dark shadow of red covering his cheeks. Sabien blushed at that thought too and shook his head to regain his indifference.
"But you'll have to explain once more to us," turned Greg to face Kotris, "how did you get out of the army. We didn't quite understand because you used a lot of words us folks don't know. Isn't it supposed to be extremely hard to get out? Unless you're a deserter, of course," he laughed good-naturedly. Sabien noticed a flicker of alarm appear on Kotris' face for the shortest moment. But it was there and Sabien knew it. But before he could contemplate what does it mean, Kotris smiled in the most carefree way and replied: "I can assure you I'm not. I even have a letter signed by General that I'm officially released."
"Nah, I was just jokin', lad. But how did you manage to do it?"
"Well, the simplest way to explain it would be that I've had a very good friend and he helped me out under one condition - that I will return as soon as we go into war. Big-scale war that is because we're constantly at war with someone," explained Kotris. Sabien watched him suspiciously. His main occupation, whenever he was forced to be with other people, was watching them and evaluating every word and move they make. And his trained senses told him, Kotris wasn't telling them the whole truth. Young ex-soldier was tense, even if he wore his constant smile.
"Ah, is that so? Well then, I hope there won't be any war soon because we really need you here. Right, Sab?"
"Eh? Yeah, I guess... I'll go for a walk. This might be one of the last relatively warm nights this year," replied Sabien, getting up. No one was surprised since it was Sabien's habit to go for a walk before sleeping whenever it wasn't very cold outside.
"May I come with you?" asked Kotris in neutral tone. Sabien looked at him in shock but it was nothing compared to the astonishment in his family's faces. Besides shock, though, Sabien also felt a weak scream of joy in his head, that he couldn't suppress. They were finally going to be alone - after whole day of working together, casting sideway glances at each other.
"Yes," answered Sabien simply so as not to give his voice a chance to betray his delight. They quickly left, leaving the rest of the family slightly confused. Two men walked in silence towards the dark forest.
"So how did you like the town?" asked Sabien breaking the silence. "Since it seems the town liked you pretty much." Kotris smiled widely at Sabien's conversational tone and - Was that really a joke? From Sabien?
"I liked it. But it is just a town for me - like thousands of other towns I've seen. And your father's friends were all very amicable, but... It just doesn't have any special meaning to me like it obviously does for you." Kotris looked at the shorter boy walking next to him.
"Yeah, it is just a town after all. It's not that I like it. I don't really care about the buildings or people in it. I just like going there."
"Hmm, I like it right here. I like the mill, its strong stone walls and the scent of flour inside it. And your house is so cosy - it feels like home. Our bedroom... eh, well, I just like, unlike you, coming back here," finished Kotris a bit nervously. Sabien felt warmth envelope his cold insides. Even those two buildings he hated so much - the mill and the house seemed just a little bit less unpleasant after Kotris' words.
"How come you were both drunk last night?" asked Sabien finally, knowing it was better to just let what Kotris said be.
"Ah, Frank Goldstench and Jeffrey - was it? - or Lucas? Eeeh -"
"Do you mean Jim Wendgore?"
"Yes, yes, that one. They invited us for a drink."
"As they always do."
"Well, your father said you never drink with them so that at least one of you will be sober on the way back. But they protested that I'm not any child and that a real man can ride home even if he's unconscious," laughed Kotris.
"Ah... It seems they'll always think I'm a child no matter how old I am," sighed Sabien bitterly.
"Maybe they wouldn't if you..." he fell silent, knowing this could get Sabien angry.
"If I what?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry."
"Kotris!" exclaimed Sabien strictly. Kotris swore internally.
"Well... maybe if you contributed a little bit. If you started talking to them, for example, and behave like... like normal people do... I mean - you can't expect them to take you as an adult if you don't act like one." They got to the edge of the forest, but neither of them noticed and they continued on the path through the trees. There was a heavy silence between them. Kotris finally broke it by sighing.
"Sabien, look-"
"No, no, it's alright." The older man cast him a surprised look. "I know it all. I just can't... I don't want to be like them. I refuse to be a part of this godforsaken community. I never chose to live here. I hate every part of it, everyone here. I hate this life. And when I talked, no one listened to me so I stopped. I do everything that is needed, but that's it. They wanted me to live here, work here and stop complaining - and I did. But they won't get any more of me than is necessary," confessed Sabien angrily. He actually never explained it like this to anyone, but it felt right. He wanted to talk about it with Kotris - he felt safe with him.
The taller man had difficulties with walking now because of his damaged eyesight, but it was still manageable thanks to the moonlight that found its way through the leaves above their heads. He felt like he finally understood more of why Sabien behaved like he did.
"Have you ever thought about forgiving them? Because sometimes in life, even if something you hate happens, to let it be and adapt is the best thing to do. Struggling is never a good choice - you're destroying yourself like this. It's like when a child is forced to eat something and fights like hell, but when they finally gives it a try,t hey might find out it's not that bad. Or when you're taming a horse and it's wild and unyielding so you have to punish it and it hurts, but when it finally gives up, the life it gets doesn't have to be so bad. If it is, then it's alright to fight for your own freedom and everything, but when you don't really have other choice and you've never even tried to accept it..." Sabien thought about it for quite a long time. It seemed impossible to forgive them after three years of suppressed anger and hatred. But he understood what Kotris said and there was something promising about the picture he painted with his words. Something liberating...
"I don't know if I could, even if I wanted," said Sabien after several minutes of silence.
"Of course you can. Maybe you should start with smaller things. Give up your resistance to everything."
"Like what - what should I do?"
"What about talking to some people in town, who haven't done anything you'd have to forgive them for. Why don't you have any friends there?"
"I'm not interested in them..." rejected Sabien that idea.
"What about... I don't know... What are you fighting against that wouldn't have to be so bad?" asked Kotris and stopped walking. Sabien looked at him questioningly. "The foliage is getting thicker, I won't be able to see a thing very soon," explained Kotris. Sabien nodded and looked up at the sky through the space between dark leaves. Only one thing came into his mind as an answer to Kotris' question, but he rejected it - explaining it with the fact that he liked Kotris as a friend and that the man gave him this idea by that kiss several days before.
"Sabien?" Younger man looked at Kotris. He noticed they were close, but he couldn't say whether it was like this before or whether Kotris moved. His eyes were on the same level as Kotris' chin, so he had to look up a bit when he wanted to meet his gaze. Kotris was even more beautiful in the darkness than in the daylight. His eyes normally dark brown were now pitch-black and infinitely deep. Sabien's heart raced inside his ribcage. Kotris gulped uneasily as he was looking down into those grey eyes with a shade of green around pupils. Sabien was so close and he opened himself to him. That alone was overwhelming, but he stood in a direct moonlight and Kotris thanked the trees above them that they made the space for it. Sabien's skin was pale - nearly white - contrasting with his freckles and rusty hair. It was too much.
"I - I might have an idea... as an example of what you fight against that doesn't have to be so bad..." he said very quietly, still struggling not to do it. Sabien's last chance would be to immediately turn around and walk away, but since he didn't, Kotris didn't want to risk it any longer. He took younger man's chin gently into his hand to hold it still and bent lightly over him, pressing their lips together in a gentle, but determined kiss. Sabien winced and tried to get away but Kotris' other hand snaked around his waist and imprisoned him in a tight embrace. "You have to at least try," whispered the taller man and captured Sabien's lips once again in a sweet passionate kiss. And, amazingly, Sabien did, with Kotris' words about trying it whirling in his mind, he gave in. Then there was nothing but the heat, pleasure in his body and warmth in his soul. His mind was blown, his hands found their way to Kotris' back and pulled him closer. As he felt a hot tongue against his lips, he opened them without hesitation, desperately wanting this and wanting more. Their tongues intertwined, exploring each other's mouths in a passionate dance. The older man, who was once soldier and thought he was irreparably damaged held the younger one in loving and passionate embrace, while the broken, cold one, who sometimes felt as if he were already dead felt every cell of his body vibrating and alive and clung to that feeling psychically as well as physically - gripping Kotris' shirt at his back with both hands. Kotris was exploding with happiness - Sabien didn't fight, he kissed him back. And how! It made him want to devour him whole - he simply wanted more of him, but he knew it wasn't the best idea. He gently pulled away and released Sabien, panting and with a happy smile plastered on his face. He made a step back to give the younger man space. Sabien frowned at the renewed distance between them and slowly opened his eyes to see Kotris' smiling face. Taller man touched his brow where his eyebrows nearly met and said: "Don't do that anymore. Don't frown at me like that." The other one obeyed and Kotris lowered his hand. Sabien felt as if he was waking from a beautiful dream. All the facts came back to him - mainly the one saying that they were both men. That made him frown again.
"What is it?" asked Kotris, his smile fading. "You can't say you didn't like it. Not after....this." Kotris gestured at the boy in front of him, meaning his actions. Sabien knew he was right. He knew only too well - he loved it. But it was wrong.
"I did... I did like it." Kotris' face brightened up. "And that's the problem," added Sabien.
"No!" protested the taller man. "There's no problem."
"This is sick. And wrong," replied Sabien weakly, felling the cold emptiness creeping back inside him.
"Did it feel sick and wrong?" asked Kotris desperately making a step closer to Sabien, so that the boy had to lift his head again.
"N-no... but maybe it isn't supposed to. Maybe all the sins feel this good..." came his feeble reply.
"Sabien," groaned Kotris unhappily. "Come here." He hugged the boy in front of him, who melted into his arms, burying his face into taller man's chest. "This is not a sin. It didn't only feel good. It felt right. And you know it. You have no reason to feel guilty about it," whispered Kotris lightly into his ear. Sabien cuddled closer to him as if the warmth and comfort of his embrace could make him believe his words.

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When they got home it was pretty late and everyone else was asleep. Sabien continued holding Kotris' hand as he did all the way here, guiding him through the darkness. When the door of their bedroom closed behind them, the boy released his hand and went to his bed, leaving Kotris stand alone.
"Hey, why don't we ever light a candle so that I can actually see something?" asked the man searching the space around him for his bed. When his hand finally bumped into it, he lay down, his body happy to be able to rest after a long day. Sabien smiled at his question.
"I like it when you're so helpless," he replied with a happy smirk. He allowed himself to forget about all the doubts and worries - for this one night he let himself be careless and... happy. Just this once and in the morning he'll have to deal with reality.
"Is that so?" Kotris smiled. A small distance between their beds suddenly seemed infinite. "Hey, Sabien?"
"Hm?"
"Aren't you cold?"
"Ummm, not really," answered Sabien neutrally. "Why?"
"Ah, well... it's nothing," sighed Kotris slightly disappointed, but he already got more then he'd ever hoped for that night, so he decided not to be so greedy. Sabien let it go because he was really tired and lay down.
"Good night, Kotris."
"Good night," came the answer. Sabien turned to face the wall and closed his eyes but something felt wrong. The coldness settled inside him again as he lay there in his bed like he did every night for the past three years - as if nothing had changed. But something had. Just a while ago, he felt alive. And warm. He suddenly realised what Kotris asked him. With a shy smile that no one could see, he got up and walked to Kotris' bed.
"Are you awake?" he whispered softly.
"Hmmm," moaned Kotris half-asleep. He lifted his heavy eyelids, which was absolutely useless since he couldn't see anything in the darkness. "Did you reconsider it?" asked the man, already quite awake just by the fact that Sabien came to him.
"What?"
"Whether you're cold," answered Kotris and he moved to the wall to make space for Sabien.
"Ah," smiled the boy and slipped under the blanket next to him, "no. I'm not physically cold." Sabien closed his eyes contently when Kotris' strong arm pulled him closer. He nuzzled his head into man's neck.
"No?"
"No, only internally," replied Sabien quietly.
"Ah... how do you warm someone who's internally cold?" asked Kotris, placing a soft kiss into boy's rusty hair.
"You're doing just great," breathed Sabien, slowly falling asleep in safety of Kotris' arms. The older man followed him soon after that.

He was running through the empty hallway. His steps on the marble floor echoed in the huge space. He was desperately running for the door, but it was so far away! And it didn't seem to get any closer no matter how fast he ran. He could hear someone behind him, someone nearly catching him. A loud scream came from his chest as his pursuer tackled him to the floor. But he didn't hit hard, cold marble - they were in a forest. There was grass under him and he saw green trees all around them. But he had to pay attention to the man, who now sat on his stomach. He was heavy, had a grey hair and cold merciless eyes. He knew this man and that realisation sent shivers of horror down his spine. Man grabbed his arms and pinned them over his head with one of his muscular arms. Kotris knew what was going to happen next.
"Noooo!" he yelled, struggling with all his strength against the attacker. But he'd always been weaker. Man grabbed his crutch with the free hand and squeezed it so much it hurt.
"General! Please, please stop!" whimpered Kotris loudly. He knew general liked it and didn't want to encourage him, but he couldn't help it. He saw a vicious smirk on the older man's face. That repulsive hand quickly undid his pants and took a hold of his length. No matter how hard he fought it, his body reacted and he got hard after several painful moments. All he could do now was to at least suppress any sounds that General loved to hear. But the man sitting on him didn't seem to notice. His attention was fully on Kotris' growing member. Then he suddenly stopped moving his hand and looked up between the trees. An obnoxious grin appeared on his face as he beckoned someone to step closer. Kotris followed his gaze and he gasped in agony of humiliation and hurt as he saw short pale-skinned boy with rusty hair emerge from the shadows of the trees surrounding them. His eyes were widened at the sight of the two of them and - of all the emotions Kotris could imagine he'd have - he looked sad. General resumed to his previous job and stroked him aggressively. Sabien's eyes travelled to Kotris' face, as if he was only interested in him. Their eyes were locked and Kotris couldn't look away. He moaned at the pain and pleasure he got from General's actions and he could see Sabien wince at that sound. Kotris had never felt worse in his whole life. He wanted to make Sabien go away and forget about it - he'd do anything for him to never see this. Instead, he watched tears well up in boy's beautiful eyes. And he reacted likewise. He desperately whished for Sabien to be angry at least, or disdainful. But no, Sabien was crying... and so was he, his body approaching the climax as if it didn't even belong to him.
"General, stop, please, that's enough..." he whined helplessly.

Someone slapped him hard on his cheek. "Kotris!!!"
"Uh?" He slowly opened his eyes and saw Sabien sitting on the bed and bending over him.
"Ah, thanks God. You nearly woke everyone up," whispered Sabien with relief.
"Is it still night?" asked Kotris confused.
"Yes. What did you dream about?"
"Ummm... nothing. I don't remember," replied Kotris. He didn't like the idea of lying to Sabien, but he could never tell him.
"Oh, you do. You don't have to lie to me, just say it when you don't want to tell me," said Sabien, feeling slightly offended.
"I'm sorry," said Kotris immediately and lifted his hand to stroke Sabien's cheek. "I just really don't want to talk about it."
"Alright... but you talk in your sleep. At least this time you did. Or shall I call it screaming? Yeah, it was more like screaming..." mused Sabien.
"What? What did I say?" asked Kotris anxiously.
"You kept repeating something like: General, please stop, General... Is that the same General who signed your release letter?" inquired Sabien curiously.
"Yes... but, Sabien-"
"I know. You don't want to talk about it," silenced him young boy and lay down next to him again. "Let's just hope you won't have any more of these. You fidgeted like crazy," said Sabien in a sleepy voice and gave him a small kiss on the cheek before lying his head down.
"You're so sweet," whispered Kotris and stroked boy's hair. Sabien was already sound asleep though. Kotris closed his eyes and wished with all his might that he won't be reminded of his past in such a cruel way again. His wish was granted - for that one night.

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Kotris woke up first next morning. As his mind slowly rised to a level of consciousness, he opened his eyes to find out his view was covered by soft rusty hair. He had his arm around Sabien as they were both lying on the side. Boy in front of him squirmed and then lay still as before. Kotris breathed in his scent and nearly moaned in pleasure. He couldn't imagine anything more beautiful than waking up like this. Sabien fidgeted again and after a long pause, Kotris could hear him groan.
"Good morning." Sabien twitched at the hot breath against the back of his head. He quickly evaluated the situation. It was unbelievable. Not the fact that he was lying in the bed with Kotris' strong arm hugging him, but the way he felt about it. The things he let happen yesterday... The calming warm feeling that filled him when he was in older man's embrace - that was impossible. And wrong, it didn't fit to his image of world. He was never to be happy, always cold and distant. But right now and the evening before, he was very happy and warm... and, oh, so close to Kotris. To a man! Sabien freed himself from Kotris' arm, got up and went to the window. He opened it and let the cold air and bright sunlight in, to clear his head.
"Sabien? What is it?" asked the ex-soldier from the bed. Sabien remained silent. This was like a bad dream. He always thought that he could take anything bad that would happen to him. Any suffering, hurt, pain, betrayal, torture, ignorance - anything. And it was true. He could live through anything bad and it occurred to him that the fate knew it as well because it didn't send anything like that to harm him. Fate had sent Kotris. Good, kind, handsome, selfless, honest man, who cared about Sabien like no one had before. And most importantly - who had a power to make him happy. That was the cruellest thing that could happen to him and only then Sabien realised, how much he underestimated the fate. Some of his thoughts must have found their way to his face because Kotris stood up and walked to him.
"Sabien, talk to me. What's wrong?" The taller man reached out his hand to touch him, but Sabien made a few steps backwards.
"We can't do things like... like we did yesterday," answered Sabien firmly. It took all his willpower not to console Kotris when he saw how much his words - or was it his cold tone? -  hurt the other one.
"What are you talking about? Why not?" Sabien snorted.
"Because it's wrong! We are both men! You should marry some lovely girl and I'll find myself someone who can bear my ignorance. That's the way it's supposed to be. What happened yesterday was a mistake, a misunderstanding and it shall never happen again," said Sabien, surprised at how harsh his words sounded. Kotris felt as if he was stabbed with an icy dagger.
"It - it wasn't a misunderstanding, Sabien," he managed to say because it was obvious they both knew it.
"Then it was a mistake. You shouldn't have kissed me. You promised you wouldn't," replied Sabien, struggling to keep his voice emotionless.
"You kissed me back," countered Kotris in despondent tone. Why are you doing this?
"I - I didn't know what else to do. I've never been kissed before," Sabien defended himself, but halted at the realisation his first kiss was with a man.
"Sabien, at least be honest with me. It wasn't just the kiss. The way you behaved, how you talked and..." Kotris' voice broke. He couldn't believe Sabien would deny it.
"Fine." Younger man turned from the window to face him. "If you are honest with me, I'll be honest with you." He waited for Kotris to nod and then continued: "How come you're so calm about this? It's unnatural and some say it's evil. Why don't you even try fighting it? Or - or have you done this before?"
"I've tried fighting, Sabien... But I really can't find anything wrong in the way I feel about you. And I don't care what anyone says about it, they don't know how it is - they just don't understand and they're probably scared because it's strange."
"You talk like you thought about it for a long time. And you didn't answer the last question," said Sabien solemnly. Kotris bowed his head at the loss of words.
"So you have done this before! And you've tried to pull me into this... Well, I don't know what you got yourself to believe, but it's wrong and I won't let myself be like - be like that," exclaimed Sabien and strode towards the door.
"No, wait!" Kotris grabbed his arm and Sabien turned around. The older man could read hurt and betrayal in the other one's face. He didn't know what to say, though. He couldn't tell this innocent boy about General, that would only support his opinion of how sick this is.
Sabien wanted, needed him to explain it somehow. If Kotris would only say it was his first time too and that they're together in this crazy situation... But they weren't. Kotris had done it before and he didn't even know with how many men. That revelation hurt Sabien, but it wasn't the worst thing. What was now pushing tears into his eyes was the sense of betrayal. He opened to this man, he did things... said things, he never thought he could. And now it seemed all fake because Kotris probably didn't feel like him. He didn't feel like Sabien thought he did because he wasn't the man he believed him to be. And now, no matter how much Sabien wished him to speak, Kotris was silent. The rusty-haired boy liberated his hand from the other one's grip and went out of the room.

They didn't speak the whole day. Whenever Kotris tried to accost him, Sabien would turn around or showed him in any other way that he didn't want to talk to him. Depression hung around both of them like a thick veils, strangling their defenceless minds.

"Kotris, you're unusually silent today? What's the matter?" asked Greg as they were dining.

"Um, I guess I'm just tired," replied Kotris with a weak smile. Old man started coughing, which prevented him from inquiring any further. Sabien frowned at his father in concern. It has been a long time since he had his last coughing fit.

"You shouldn't go out in such a cold weather, father. Winter came soon this year," said Sabien quietly.

"You're probably right, but we still have those two visits to town we have to make. Let's go tomorrow - the two of us and Kotris and I will go at the end of the week."

"No, it's already too cold."

"Sab, I'm the one who decides it. And I'll wear the woollen jacket we bought last autumn."

"The cold air will get into your lungs regardless of what you wear," countered Sabien.

"Stop talking back to me!" exclaimed Greg, but the effort triggered another coughing and much longer than the last time.

"Sab, don't anger you're father like this," admonished his mother.

Sabien looked at her with frustration at the fact that she didn't understand. "I refuse to go with him in this state. He should lie in a warm bed, not go wandering somewhere for the whole day. It could really aggravate his illness," whispered Sabien to his mother fiercely, but making sure Greg didn't hear him. Her only reaction was a slight frown. No, she'd never go against her husband even if it would be for his own good.

"Ah-eh, it's decided, then. Be prepared tomorrow, Sab. I'm gonna go get some sleep," growled his father and got up. Juliet and Edna followed him to their bedroom soon afterwards.
Kotris got up at the same moment as Sabien and they went into their bed in complete silence.

"Sabien?" whispered Kotris when they were both lying in a darkness. No answer. "Sabien, I can't tell you about my past. But I assure you it has nothing to do with you and me."

"That's a lie. It has everything to do with it. Everyone is affected by their past. And I'd like to know the man I'm dealing with," answered Sabien slowly.

"I can't, Sabien, not yet."

"Then we are nothing more than two strangers sleeping in the same room," said the younger man coldly and closed his eyes to hold the tears inside.

"That's not true. You know me. Everything I said and did was real and genuine."

"I wish I could believe that... Then why can't you tell me about it? What happened to you? What did you do? Do you think I wouldn't forgive you?" asked Sabien, hot tears streaming down his cheeks. Kotris sighed in relief at the sound of the other one's cracking voice. Finally, he showed his emotions again. He showed he cared.

You wouldn't understand.... why I didn't run away sooner... You'd be disgusted... - thought Kotris. "No, Sabien, I can't explain it. I love you... and I wish it would be enough." Sabien turned his head to look into the darkness in the direction of Kotris's face. He couldn't see a thing. New tears welled up in his eyes. In a way, it was enough that Kotris loved him... It was enough to make him feel alive and worthy. But it wasn't enough to love him back. Because love is also understanding the other one. Knowing his deepest thoughts, his motives, his faults - and accepting it all. Sabien couldn't do that without Kotris letting him. And that hurt. The younger man dried his tears even though he could already feel another streaming down his face. None of them said another word that night.

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"Sabien, father wants to talk to you. He's still in the bed," said Juliet when Sabien entered the kitchen. Kotris watched him disappear in the Greg and Edna's bedroom.

"How did you sleep?" asked Juliet sitting down beside him.

"Ah, well, not very well, to be honest," replied Kotris with a sad smile.

"Really? Why?" inquired Juliet with concern. "Is Sab giving you a hard time?" Kotris didn't reply.

"Oh, just try to ignore him. He's like that to everyone."

"Do you know why?" asked Kotris with a spark of interest in his eyes. He wondered how much does Sabien's own sister know about him.

"No one knows why. Well, we know he didn't want to move and that he doesn't like it here.... But you come to terms with something like that after three years, right? He just... he's never been the brother I used to know since we moved here..."

"Maybe he just can't get used to this life..."

"Oh, Kotris," sighed Juliet and took his hand, "you're too kind. Please don't let him get to you like this. If he says anything harsh or spiteful, just ignore it. Blame it on his character. The last thing we'd want is Sabien getting you down."

Sabien listened to her words in a shock. He watched her holding Kotris' hand and something furious awakened inside him. He slammed the door of the bedroom that he managed to open so silently the two of them didn't notice. Young man and a girl beside him twitched in a matching surprise and looked at him. Kotris yanked his hand from Juliet's and got up from the bench. Sabien scowled and strode right past him, towards the entrance door.

"Come with me," the younger man said as he was exiting. Kotris complied and followed the other one to the small stables right beside the house.

"Father's very sick. The two of us have to go to town together. And we've already wasted lot of time so move it," said Sabien in his usual cold tone with a hint of anger. Kotris joined him in preparing the two horses.

"Why are you angry?"

"I'm not," came the curt reply. Kotris waited for a better answer and soon enough it came: "Do you like my sister?" Sabien hated himself for asking. He sounded like a jealous kid, but he couldn't help it because that was exactly how he felt. To hide the embarrassment, he took his horse's reins and led him out.

"Yes, she's nice," answered Kotris honestly. "Are we going to take the carriage too?"

"No, not today. Our horses will carry it all," replied Sabien and mounted. As the older man get into his saddle too, they started trotting down the road.
"Why did you ask?"

"She seems to like you a lot too," said Sabien loudly so that Kotris could hear him despite the cold wind blowing around their ears.

"But I don't like her in that way."

"What way?"

"The way I like you," answered Kotris simply, knowing that Sabien already knew it. The younger man snorted.

"I thought when you like someone, you trust him as well," said the red-haired boy bitterly.

"I do trust you, Sabien. It's not about trust, though."

"What is it about then?"

"Aaaah, do we have to talk about it?" asked Kotris thoroughly frustrated.

"No, we don't have to talk at all." The older man sighed.

"Fine. Look, you already seem unsure about... the whole thing and I don't want you to hear how bad it sometimes gets before you see how beautiful it can be."

Sabien was quiet for a while. "Nothing will get anywhere if you won't let me... in. You can obviously justify it for yourself but all I see is that you're afraid of showing me something about yourself. I've told you things I've never told anyone before. Why can't you do the same?"

"I know, Sabien, and I can't possibly tell you how glad I am that you did. But this isn't only about me. It might..." Kotris sighed heavily.

"It might what?"

"It might scare you away." Sabien shook his head in disbelief and indignation.

"Why do you keep saying that? It's not like I ran away the first time you kissed me, did I? Why don't you trust me a little?" Sabien thought he showed Kotris how he really felt... at least that one night.

"Because you seem to want to run away every time I'm not literally holding you. It's as if you felt something and then - your head refreshes and you're suddenly back to your previous self."

Sabien frowned. Was he really like that? He had to admit it might seem so. Kotris couldn't see how he felt every time he saw him. How his heart reacted when they were close, how his eyes travelled again and again to the dark-eyed man whenever Sabien was sure he wouldn't notice. And in a way, it was good that Kotris didn't know. But still, he wished to know him better - to know all his secrets - and to feel that he trusts him.

"Let's go faster, father wants us to do a lot of errands," said Sabien after a long silence filled with the sounds of whining wind and horseshoes on the road. Kotris hated this situation but he couldn't as much as imagine telling Sabien about General. Te fact that he wouldn't take it very well wasn't the only reason not to tell him. The truth was that Kotris himself never really came to terms with it. He couldn't even stand thinking about it - how could he possibly put it into words then?

Their first stop, when they arrived into town, was Max's shop. He sold all kinds of groceries, but mostly vegetables and fruits. They needed a few things that Edna didn't grow in their garden.

"Hey, Sab! It's nice to see you again. It's been a long time," greeted them Max with his usual warm smile. He was one of a few people in the town that Sabien didn't particularly hate. He did call him Sab, though, as everyone else.

"Yeah," murmured Sabien and started examining onions.

"What about you Kotris? How're you holding up?"

"Eh, great, really. Thanks for asking. Listen, Max, can I have a word with you?" asked Kotris. Max looked surprised and his eyes met with Sabien's, who lifted his head. When the young man didn't seem to have any objections, Max said: "Well, sure, we'd better let Sab pick what he wants, he's very discriminating. Let's go to the backroom." They left Sabien frowning and wondering what the hell is Kotris up to. However, he had no choice but to finish his shopping. When they got back, the red-haired boy couldn't read anything from their faces - well, maybe except for the slightly disappointed expression that Kotris wore.

After buying several other supplies, they were done shopping.

"What's next? It's already getting dark," stated Kotris as he was closing his saddlebag filled with supplies. The younger man sighed.

"The work part is over. Now, we have to go visit every single person that came into my father's mind this morning," replied Sabien in the most annoyed tone.

"Really? How many?"

"Around seven, I think. He'd even write their names down for me if I hadn't escaped soon enough."

"You can't really blame him, you know. He probably suspected you would miraculously forget most of them if he didn't explicitly order you to visit them." Their eyes met and to Kotris' surprise, younger man smirked a little.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Let's get it over with."

They visited the Fancer family, fairly poor people with two little boys and a girl who was at least unsightly if not exactly ugly. Then there were Lucy and Tom - siblings who owned a little farm. Judy and Garry Janlevers were very nice newlyweds, as Kotris claimed, even though Sabien somehow missed what was so charming about them.
"How many left?" asked Kotris as they were leaving Janlevers' house.

"Four..." replied Sabien exhaustedly. "Maybe we could skip some of them."

"Oh, come on, Sabien. What is so bad about it?"

"It's extremely tiring and unpleasant."

"Why? They are all nice people, in their own way."

"Yeah, in a way I just don't comprehend, obviously. But fine, let's divide. You will go to Celia's tavern and you'll say hi to Jim and Frank. Tell them father's ill and so on. You already know them, right? They'll definitely be there. I'm not sure whether they leave - ever," said Sabien, looking at the taller man beside him.

"Why don't you go with me?"

"Well, let's just say I don't like them and they don't like me. It's mutual and I'm perfectly fine as long as I don't see them. And I don't feel like paying them a visit. Besides, this will be quicker. I'll go to old Sam's house, he's alright - he can't speak very well."

"Ah, you're so cruel!" exclaimed Kotris with incredulous laugh and poked the other one with his elbow. Sabien chuckled evilly and turned to go in an opposite direction.

"I know."

"You'll grow out of it," said Kotris with a smirk.

"I am grownup," replied Sabien smiling back at him.

Kotris' expression got suddenly serious. "You're beautiful when you smile," said the taller man honestly. Sabien blushed and turned away as a wave of warmth hit his whole body.

"Well, fine, I'll go. But, Sabien? One condition," continued Kotris so that Sabien wouldn't have time to feel uncomfortable.

"Hm?"

"As soon as you're finished, come to me, because I'm not sure I'll be able to get away from them without a proper excuse." Sabien rolled his eyes but nodded, because he knew how insistent that duo could get.

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After five extremely long and supposedly humorous stories from Frank, two of which Kotris had the pleasure to hear the last time he was there with Greg, and another three from Jim, who was already drunk when the young man got there, Kotris told himself it was enough and stood up.

"Well, I think I should go find Sabien. It's long after sunset and we need to go home," said the ex-soldier as he stood up.

"Oh, come on. You can't leave without having at least one drink," objected Frank. Kotris wondered what's taking Sabien so long. He started worrying about him quite a long time ago. He had to find him.

"No, it really isn't a very good idea. It's not very safe to ride home drunk."

"One drink won't get you drunk."

"Eh, well, I know, but..."

"I bet that little sulky boy of Greg's is the problem!" exclaimed Jim all of a sudden.

"Yeah, yeah, he's orderin' you around ain't he?" mumbled Frank in agreement.

"No," replied Kotris with a deep frown.

"Aaaah, here he comes. Now you don't have to leave anywhere. Hey, Sab!" greeted Frank the rusty-haired boy. Sabien's eyes met with Kotris' and he walked over to them. He wondered why does Kotris look so uneasy.

"Hi, Frank, Jim," he bowed his head.

"List'n, boy. We were just sayin' that this good lad here probably holds back just because of you, right? He didn't even have one! One poor drink. And Jim and I are sayin'- right Jimmy? - that you would surely let him drink as much as he wants, ha? Your father always does that and you don't say a word, so why couldn't Kotty, here?" explained Frank sometimes forgetting to move his tongue properly, meanwhile Jim was nodding like crazy. Sabien cast Kotris an inquiring look.

"Well, I can't order him anything. He can do as he wills," said Sabien slowly. Those words had an unexpected effect on Kotris. He gasped and then stood up staring indignantly at Sabien.

"No, we have to go now, take care boys," growled the ex-soldier angrily and without listening to their protests, he strode right out of the tavern, followed by surprised Sabien.

"What's up?" asked the shorter boy when they got to their horses and started untying them. He'd never seen Kotris angry before.

"I was waiting for you for four hours, refusing their stupid drinks nearly every five seconds. Wondering where you are, worrying about you and then you come and say right in front of them that you don't mind me drinking - you, the very reason I had to withstand it?" Kotris wasn't angry anymore, he looked more disappointed than anything. Sabien didn't understand, though.

"I've never told you not to drink," reasoned the younger man apologetically.

"You said you hated drunk people," replied Kotris as he was getting into the saddle.

"Yeah, but... I hate drunk people, but I doubt I'd hate drunk you... And I thought you forgot that night," said Sabien quietly. There was nothing but the strong wind blowing around them for a while. It was so loud they couldn't even hear their horses' steps. Kotris calmed down by Sabien's words.

"Well,... At least I understood why you dislike them so much. But they're different with Greg."

"Ah, they like acting up when they meet someone new. But they can't keep it up for too long..." replied Sabien uninterestedly.

"What? I didn't hear you!" shouted Kotris. The wind got even worse.

"It was nothing! This looks like a serious storm!" yelled Sabien back.

"Yeah, let's go as fast as we can!" answered Kotris and they prodded their horses into gallop. Soon, they had troubles with staying on the road. Sabien led the way because Kotris had severe problems with seeing anything further than his horse's head. The sky was black without any sing of stars or the moon. A light rain started to fall, but none of it mattered to the two of them anymore. They were concentrated on holding onto their saddles because it was no easy task in such a speed. A sudden flash of a blinding light illuminated the world around them and as Kotris heard the terrible sound of thunder very close to them, he saw the horse in front of him going mad from the shock and stand on its hind legs. It was relatively new and certainly wasn't used to such a loud thunder - even Kotris' heart nearly stopped. He watched in horror as the silhouette of the boy sitting on it fell down backwards, landing on his back with a loud crack that left Kotris wondering what was the source of it. First two seconds, he couldn't even breathe. He was frozen in fear. Then it was as if all his senses came back to him.

"SABIEN!" he yelled and nearly fell from the horse, trying to get to him as fast as possible. "Sabien! Are you alright?! Sabien!" He dropped to his knees beside the younger man's motionless body. "Sabien? Sabien, answer me!" His voice was getting weaker and he shivered from the sudden loss of hope. But then he noticed a slight movement of Sabien's hand. It rose a bit, as if to reach the sky and Kotris immediately captured it into his own. Another lightning allowed him to see Sabien's face for a second. The two grey-green eyes were looking at him in a severe pain.

"Kotris..." escaped from his lips. The ex-soldier bent lower to catch every possible word that Sabien wanted to say. "Mmm - my... h - he..." And then there was silence. The cold hand in his large one became flabby and felt dead.

"Sabien!" repeated Kotris over and over, shaking him, but to no avail. He tried to determine which part of Sabien's body was hurt. No ribs or limbs seemed to be broken, but when he got to his head, he felt something sticky in his hair. Slowly, he pulled his hand in front of his eyes and gasped at the sight of a dark thick liquid. "Oh, no. No, no, no, no..." he whispered to himself. He knew very well it could be a matter of mere minutes whether the boy in his arms will live or not. He lifted him up and tried to get him into his own saddle. Sabien seemed to regain consciousness at the sudden change of position and he tried to cooperate as much as he could. When he was properly seated, Kotris looked up at him from the ground and asked: "Do you think you can steady yourself while I get up behind you?" Sabien nodded, but as the strong arms, previously supporting him, left his body, his head started to spin and he hopelessly tried to determine where the ground and the sky is. Just as he began falling down to the side, a pair of familiar arms circled around his waist, making him safe once again. Sabien could feel a sharp pain in his head averytime the horse’s hooves hit the ground.
 
It was a long ride back to town. Kotris decided to return rather than continue to the mill because there was no doctor there and he estimated they were still in the first half of the way when the accident happened. Sabien was floating between half-conscious and hazy, dreamy state. At the best, he could feel warmth that Kotris' body behind him emitted and occasionally, he heard his light whispers in his ears, saying something like: "Hold, on, Sabien... " or "You'll be alright, we're nearly there..." Every time he heard that voice, he felt a bit more alive. If he were only strong enough, he'd tell him not to stop talking, but he didn't have the energy to do so. But even in his strange state of mind, even with his injury, he realised something. Riding on the horseback with the icy rain hitting his face, he didn't mind - he didn't care about anything but the fact that Kotris was there. That Kotris held him, took care of him because he did matter to him. And even if he might not want to tell him something about his past - Sabien didn't mind anymore. He knew, and the realisation resonated throughout his whole body, carving itself deep so that he would remember even after he wakes up, he knew he loved that man.

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Sabien's eyes fluttered as he slowly woke up. He was in a terrible pain. The back of his head was throbbing like hell and he regretted not staying in the sweet unconsciousness for a little while longer. The unfamiliar room he was in was small and cosy. He started looking around and soon noticed a brown-haired man sleeping in the chair, resting his head on Sabien's bed right beside him. Kotris had been sitting there all night until he finally gave in to the exhaustion only several hours ago. A gentle smile appeared on Sabien's lips. He remembered the last night clearly, despite his injury. He remembered Kotris didn't drink just because he assumed Sabien wouldn't like it, he remembered him saying he was beautiful when he smiled and decided to smile at him more often. He remembered him screaming his name with such a fear in his voice, that Sabien shivered at the memory, as if something terrible happened to him right now. Then he remembered him whispering his name in a pained tone and later just to calm him down... Sabien never liked his name, maybe because everybody called him Sab, but he couldn't get enough of it when it came from Kotris' lips.

The rusty-haired boy stroked the other one with his long pale fingers. Kotris twitched at the touch and immediately sat straight on his chair.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," apologised Sabien calmly with a smile.

"I'm glad you did. How are you? Does it hurt a lot? Is your head spinning?" Kotris pierced him with such an intensive gaze that Sabien felt transparent.

"I'm alright, Kotris. You don't need to worry anymore," replied Sabien truthfully, because the pain got a bit weaker. He lifted hand and stroked Kotris' cheek, still smiling at him. The dark-eyed man took his hand and kissed him on the palm.

"Doctor said you could be out for several days... And when you fell I thought -" his voice broke and he looked away. Sabien noticed how his eyes glistened with tears.

"Kotris, look at me," whispered the younger one. He obeyed hesitantly. "I am fine. And thanks to you. You saved my life." Kotris shook his head.

"I am the one who told you to go faster."

"I didn't fall because of the speed. You can only blame the weather."

"No, the horses were already nervous because we were going too fast without really seeing the road properly." Sabien knew there was some truth in that statement, but it held no importance to him whatsoever. He sighed.

"Kotris, it's not your fault. I'd probably go so fast even if I were alone. Stop thinking about it, will you?" The older man looked at him with a tired and unhappy expression.

"Ah, don't look at me like that. Come here, kiss me already," said Sabien, pulling him closer by the front of his shirt. Kotris looked utterly surprised but moved closer.

"Would that be alright?" he asked slightly perplexed.

"Yes," answered Sabien simply, but it was all Kotris needed to hear. He closed the remaining distance between them and connected their lips. The craving they'd felt for each other was finally silenced in a long sweet kiss. Sabien felt like he was melting and burning at the same time. He felt Kotris all around him, his hand on the chest, his intoxicating scent in the nose and his hot tongue in the mouth. Being so close to him was the best feeling on earth - he wished it'd never end. That was impossible, though, since they both needed to breathe once in a while. Kotris gently pulled away despite Sabien's hands on his back trying to get him closer again.

"Hey, you need to rest if you want to recover quickly, so we might as well take it easy, don't you think?" reasoned the older one with a happy smile.

"No," replied Sabien honestly and pulled him back, this time successfully. Kotris kissed him hungrily, in a complete dissonance with his own words. Supporting himself with one arm on the bed while placing the other one on the side of Sabien's pale neck, he got lost in the kiss - in the feeling of Sabien wanting him as much as he wanted the rusty-haired boy. His heart was trying to beat itself out of his ribcage, as if it wanted to be even closer to Sabien, in fact, every cell in his body seemed to scream: "More!" He pulled away again, before it was too late. He looked at the boy in front of him. Sabien's chest was heaving very quickly as he was panting, his eyes were half-closed with pleasure.

"You're so beautiful, Sabien, irresistible," whispered the ex-soldier overwhelmed with that sight. Sabien opened his eyes fully to look into the dark ones above him. He thought he must be the happiest man in the world.

"Then why are you resisting?" whispered Sabien back and captured his lips once again. After several seconds, Kotris interrupted the kiss and Sabien let out a discontented groan because it seemed too soon.

"Because If I don't, I won't be able to stop myself," replied the taller man panting heavily and stood up. Sabien frowned.

"Hey, don't do that, please. We'll have a plenty of time for this, but I think we should ask the doctor to have a look at you," said Kotris in a reasonable tone. Sabien didn't stop frowning, but he nodded because his head started to hurt again.

"I love you," said Kotris and bent down to give him one more kiss before leaving the room.

I love you too...


Kotris watched the doctor as he examined Sabien and asked him all kinds of questions about his condition. He was happy beyond anything he ever imagined. Sabien seemed to be quite alright and he acted as if he really liked him back. He was smiling at him, he kissed him and held him close… Merely thinking about it made Kotris all weak from the immense joy. But part of him was confused. He didn’t understand the sudden change in younger man’s attitude and if he were to believe that it will last this time, he had to ask Sabien to explain it to him. And that was what he feared. He didn’t want to ruin it – he’d never forgive himself if he did – but still... Desire to comprehend every Sabien’s thought and feeling burned inside him as strong as ever. His pondering was interrupted by doctor’s quick movement as he stood up from the bed.

"Come with me," requested the man and exited the room. Kotris followed him, closing the door once he was outside. He gave the doctor a questioning look. "It’s a very good sign that he woke up so soon after the accident. It seems he was extremely lucky," began the doctor as they walked along the corridor.

"When can I take him back home?"

"Not so soon I’m afraid. We don’t want to try his luck, do we? He needs his time to recover, maybe three days, maybe a whole week," replied the old man.

Kotris sighed unhappily. "I’ll have to go back alone then. His parents don’t even know what happened. Will you take care of him?"

"Of course," said the doctor as if it was ridiculous to even ask that.

"Alright. I’ll go right now. I just need to tell him…" With those words, Kotris quickly disappeared in the corridor, rushing to Sabien’s room.

"What did the doctor say?" asked Sabien curiously as soon as he closed the door behind him.

"You might have to stay here for a few days," replied Kotris and walked to his bed to sit down. Sabien made some space for him and frowned.

"I don’t want to."

"It doesn’t matter, love, you still have to stay," said Kotris in a sweet voice and kissed him on the cheek.

"Aaaah," sighed Sabien in frustration and pushed him away.

"Well, while you’re sulking here, I have to go back and tell your loving parents what’s happened. I don’t know when or whether I will come back," said Kotris smiling at him.

"Uh, no!" exclaimed Sabien and grasped his arm in attempt to prevent him from leaving. He didn’t want to be separated from him. Not even for a day. Kotris’ expression got gentler and he bent down to kiss him. As their lips met and their arms wrapped around each other, they both felt this kiss was different. It wasn’t as needy and demanding as the previous ones. It had a whole new, deeper meaning to it. The love between them was never so evident before and it made them both completely forget the world around them. That is, until they had to end it to take some air into their lungs. Kotris rested his brow and nose on Sabien’s, reluctant to get too far away from him.

"I love you so much," he whispered to the other one’s lips. Sabien kissed him and then answered: "I love you too." A wave of joy enveloped Kotris’ mind at those words. And he stroked his rusty hair as he kissed him one more time before standing up.

"Do you really have to go?" asked Sabien with nothing but pure sadness in his voice.

"Unfortunately, yes. At the worst, you’ll see me in one week."

"And at the best?"

"Ah, look at you. Suddenly interested in optimistic possibilities as well?" smiled at him Kotris to make the situation less gloomy.

"That’s what you do to me," smiled Sabien back, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. Kotris fought to resist the urge to lie down next to Sabien, hug him and never ever let go. After several seconds, his rational part won and decided it would be for the best if he left right then and there.

"I’ll be back," he said and went out of the room. Sabien looked at the door for a long time after the ex-soldier’s departure. He felt colder… he missed him already.


Kotris was sitting on the wooden bench next to the river. Sound of water falling down from the spades of the water mill’s wheel roared in his head. It was pleasant because it dulled his despondency. When he came here, three days ago, riding on one horse and holding the other one’s reins, nothing went as he imagined it would. Greg and Edna weren’t angry with him, they kept repeating he saved his son. The problem was they had only two horses. Whenever they all needed to go to the town, on Sundays, for example, because Edna made them all go to church, they simply rode on the horses in pairs – Edna with Greg and Juliet with Sabien. But since their best horse died last year, Greg decided they would take turns so that everyone will go to church once in two weeks. He didn’t allow anyone to exert the horses they had now because it was too much of a risk. When they’d heard Sabien had to stay in town, they decided Edna and Greg will go, and since it was Tuesday, they’d stay in the town ‘till Sunday and Sabien will hopefully recover until then. Greg said he’d make an exception and their newer horse will carry Edna and Sabien together this one time. Any doubts as to whether it is a good idea to leave Kotris and Juliet alone were washed away by Greg’s proclamation that Kotris is a member of family, now that he saved his son, and that he had their full trust.

Kotris sighed and picked up a small stone from the ground. He felt strangely anxious and uneasy. The stone flew to half the width of the river and fell into the water with a big splash. It was Friday. The fourth day he hadn’t seen him. And next two were to follow. The unusually tall man stood up and started walking by the river. It was very cold outside, but he didn’t mind. He felt so restless – he’d run to the town right in that moment if it wasn’t for his rationality that ordered him not to. Sabien was all that was on his mind. There wasn’t much work left in the mill, which was even worse because he spent all his days wondering what is he doing, whether he’s recovering or whether something went wrong. What if he comes back and pretends that nothing happened or decides he doesn’t want me anymore? He knew it was possible. But underneath all the wondering and doubts – he just missed him in the simplest way. He wanted to hear his voice again, see his eyes, the beautiful colour of his hair, his freckles, nose, lips – everything. And touch him again, kiss him and smell his scent. Kotris shook his head, trying to stop this futile self-torture. The sun was setting down behind the fields. There were no mountains to be seen anywhere around here. It got colder and darker very quickly. The ex-soldier closed his eyes. At least this day ends… In the morning, I’ll be 12 hours closer to seeing him. A painful thought struck him suddenly: Does he miss me at all? He felt it might not be so. Sabien was good at pushing anything unpleasant out of his mind. That got him even more frustrated and he realised what a wreck that rusty-haired boy had made of him - just like General - but he was willing to be like this, to endure anything if it will help him bring Sabien closer.

"Kotriiiis! Are you there? Dinner’s ready!!!" he heard Juliet’s voice.

"I’m coming!" shouted Kotris back. He ran to the house because he didn’t have anything else to do with the energy and he liked Juliet – she was a nice distraction.

"What were you doing?" asked the young girl with a smile when he entered.

"Walking by the river," answered Kotris and sat down, waiting for her to fill his plate.

"Hmmm… You are… you seem a little bit distant since you’ve returned from the town," said Juliet and set the plate in front of him. They started to eat.

"Am I? Ah, I forgot how observant you are," said Kotris smiling at her and she blushed at his compliment.

"Is it because of what happened to Sabien?" inquired Juliet gently.

"Partly, I guess," replied Kotris uncomfortably.

"But you said he’s going to be alright, isn’t he?"

"Oh, yes, he probably is."

"Then what is it?" asked Juliet, not noticing how reluctant Kotris was to answer her questions. He sighed and didn’t answer.

"Ah, I see. You don’t want to talk about it… But there’s something bothering you, right?"

"You could say so…"

"Well, sometimes it’s relieving to tell someone about it. Something’s bothering me for quite a while too… Maybe I could tell you and then you decide if you want to share?" asked Juliet hopefully. Kotris lifted his gaze to look into her eyes, so similar to Sabien’s. But they were all grey, without any trace of green in them.

"Alright," agreed the dark-eyed man.

"Well, I… there’s this… No, I should ask you something first…" stuttered Juliet nervously. Kotris cast her a curious glance. He didn’t feel like talking that evening. "Did you… or do you have anyone you love? I mean – a girl or a woman," said Juliet with a light blush covering her cheeks. Kotris was caught off guard by that question.

Apart from Sabien, "no," he replied. Juliet looked elated.
"Uhm, and do you like someone?" Kotris looked at her and only then pieced it all together – the blush, the way she smiled, her quiet, humble voice, her eyelashes flitting up and down too often. He started choking on the food he was just swallowing and there were several awkward moments ‘till he calmed down.

"Eh, Juliet, if you’re talking about you and me -"

"Oh, no, no, no, don’t think that," exclaimed the girl a little bit too loudly and got up to tidy up the table. A dark blush was giving her away, but she seemed to insist on Kotris not knowing. He always tried to make people around him as comfortable as possible, so he didn’t try to push her into confession.

"Just to be clear, I do like you, you’re a very nice and pretty girl, but we don’t really know each other long enough," said Kotris, by what he actually tried to say, he didn’t like her like that. He thought it was enough that he put "but" in the sentence. He couldn’t really say he didn’t like girls or that he loved her brother. However, Juliet seemed a bit too much content the rest of the evening and he didn’t understand why, but again, his mind was occupied by completely different matters.



Sabien woke up quite early. It was Sunday. Finally! They were going to leave right after the sermon. He felt considerably better than last few days, but the traces of anger were still raging inside him. When his parents showed up without Kotris, he nearly cried out aloud from disappointment. He was very upset and wondered how come they have left Juliet alone with Kotris. He knew the man he loved would never do anything to his sister, but it was very uncommon and he was surprised his parents didn’t fear what all the people in town would think. Father dismissed his reproaches by stating that Kotris is now their family and they didn’t discuss it any further. Sabien spent most of his time wondering what Kotris is thinking about and whether they spent a lot of time together with Juliet, because he knew his sister and he could tell she liked him a great deal. But then he remembered the way Kotris was looking at him and all the things he’d told him, which put him at ease again, or rather – put him into a state of extreme loneliness and longing. He lived only for the moment he’ll see Kotris again. Nothing else mattered and every hour passing by felt ten times longer than usually.

He fidgeted as he sat on the hard bench in the church. Pastor Welby already started talking, but Sabien felt impatience creeping throughout his whole body. This was such an unreasonable waste of time. He sighed and his mother beside him cast him a scolding look. He decided he might as well listen, at least he won’t die of restlessness.

"…and so we prey our Lord will purify what has been dirtied by our unholy hands. May he show us the way and lovingly guide us under his protection. And let the unbelieving pagans see the light or perish in the flames of damnation. But for the Lord is full of love and eternal forgiveness, he never ceases to shine at the ones that went astray. We are too weak to forgive, too poor and powerless to help them. We, mere human souls, see nothing in them, but despicable abominations. And the truth is, they are often lost too deep inside the darkness of Devil’s corruption. No, the only way we can help them, is to let them leave this world, where there is too much temptation they cannot resist anymore. They’ve lost the power to do so. They give in, willingly, yes!" the pastor raised his voice and had the full attention of everyone in the church. He had the ability of captivating anyone with his preaching. "We will hand them the last chance to redeem themselves – sent them to the purgatory… or to hell…" concluded pastor dramatically. People released a breath they were inadvertently holding.
"Now, tell me, good people. Do I have to tell you whom am I speaking about?" There was a weak murmur. "Do I?" bellowed the pastor louder. A several voices shouting: "Yes!" could be heard. Sabien closed his eyes in pain. It wasn’t easy to be the only one with different opinion surrounded by few hundreds of people, and he could feel his own thoughts and believes being shattered by the strong persuasion of the pastor and the crowd all around him.

"I’m not talking about the thieves, dear fellow Christians. For thieves can sometimes be fathers with children dying at home. It’s not right, but if you regret it, the Lord can appreciate honest atonement. I am not talking about the murderers! Oh, yes. Murder is a severe sin. But the murderer can sometimes save another life by such an odious deed. And the Lord sees it all, he knows everything… Yes, yes… " he bowed his head as if he was lost in thoughts. Everybody waited without as much as moving or breathing – absolutely drowned in to his performance.

"Who I am talking about, are people among us… who seem normal. They are our neighbours, our relatives, our very best friends. But they are not like us! They have succumbed to the sick temptation the Devil himself has offered them! They do strange things – they act strange. Sometimes… But! Sometimes they seem completely normal. From time to time, you can see a man, moving like some lady…" People in the church let out a collective gasp. They’d heard this many times but it still fascinated them. They loved when the pastor talked about these "sick", as he called them, abnormal people. They couldn’t get enough of it. "But that’s not all, oh good people of Lord, no. What is their deadly sin, you ask? What is it that hangs so heavily from their souls and pulls them down bellow the ground? I’m asking you to cover ears of all the children!" exclaimed pastor Welby dramatically, his voice echoing loudly in within the church. There was a sudden commotion as parents reached for their resisting children. This was routine as well, it was all part of a fantastically performed show of their beloved pastor. The silence was restored and so he continued.

"They turn with their sick desires to the poor victims of their very own gender!" The revelation was followed by shocked gasps and murmurs. "Men committing fornication with men! And women lusting for women!" bellowed the pastor. It was funny, in a way, how he managed to get the same reaction from them every time he talked about this. They were always shocked and outraged anew, as if they’ve heard about it for the first time. But it wasn’t funny for Sabien. He felt as if he was stabbed by several daggers at once and left bleeding on the pavement, with people around ignoring him. He wanted to run away, but he had no energy. The power of pastor’s conviction and of the indignation of so many people left him without any protection. It pierced right through him and the only thing he wished for was to be alone or even better - to be dead. Tears welled up in his eyes and the blood was pulsating in his temples. His head was spinning and he passed out.

Sabien regained consciousness as people around him started to stand up and push each other towards the entrance.

"Oh, did you sleep, my dear?" asked him his mother. He nodded because he found out he wasn’t able to talk. "You must be still a bit weak, right? Well, it’s a pity. Pastor Welby was magnificent today, wasn’t he, Greg?" she turned to her husband as they were exiting the church.

"Yes, he always is," they were passing the pastor who stood by the door, "you were unbelievable, Pastor."

"Oh, that is very nice to hear, Greg. Thank you for coming, I know it isn’t always easy. How is your head, Sabien? I’ve heard about it – the doctor said you were lucky, but I would say," he smiled in the most warming way, "God watches over you, be sure to thank him in your prayers."

Sabien fought not to frown. He managed to open his mouth and say: "Please, call me Sab."

"Ah, everyone calls him that," smiled Greg widely at the pastor, who looked elated with the fact that Sabien wants him to be called in a more familiar way.

"Sure, see you next Sunday!" Welby turned to another family and they made their way to the horses. Sabien couldn’t stand that man call him as Kotris did… but the thought of him made his head strangely light and he staggered. His parents didn’t notice, fortunately. He felt weak and cold as the feelings from inside the church came back to him. He gave the last bits of his sanity and will-power to the encounter with pastor, but now he felt terribly strange and misplaced. Everything was somehow wrong and askew in his life. Sabien got to his saddle and waited for Edna to get up behind him. His hands trembled and he tried to loosen them up, but it didn’t help. He sighed and prodded the horse, following his father. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to go back to the mill – to Kotris…


They arrived several hours before sunset. Sabien thought about how will he behave and how does he actually feel on the way back and even though it lasted more than two hours, he was equally confused as he was at the beginning. He tried hard to regain his composure. He promised himself he will be strong and firm, that he won’t fall into pieces. His heart started to beat in a frantic tempo as he saw Kotris emerging from the house, followed by Juliet. He dismounted the horse and helped his mother get down on the ground as well.
 
"Welcome back!" greeted them Juliet and hugged his mother. It didn’t happen often that they were separated for so long.

Sabien avoided the eye contact with Kotris, even though he could very well sense his unrelenting gaze upon himself. His body reacted to the tall man’s mere presence, no matter how strongly Sabien wished to be emotionless. They all went inside, but Sabien excused himself soon after that, by saying he wants to go for a walk, emphasizing the word "alone" and hoping Kotris would get the message. Apparently, he did because noone followed him. He shivered as the cold wind reminded him of the coat he forgot inside. But he didn’t feel like going back for it. Ever since he saw Kotris, he was in an intense pain that even turned physical. He felt something aching in the area of his heart. All he wanted was to be with him again – without regrets, without any doubts – be happy again, alive and warm… but he couldn’t. Ache got worse when he remembered the atmosphere in the church and pastor’s words. He practically said people like him should be killed. And everyone agreed… It’s not possible to put in words how it made him feel. Worthless and sick are very poor understatements. He walked over to the river and moved in a general direction of the forest. It was colder by the water and he hugged himself. His insides were ripped apart and he didn’t have any idea how to sew them back together.

"I brought you your coat. It’s really cold out here," said a voice from behind him. He jolted and turned around in shock.

"Ah, you scared me," said Sabien and placed his hand on his heart to calm it down. He didn’t hear Kotris coming because of the loud water rushing by him.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to," replied Kotris and stepped closer, extending the hand with the coat.

"Thanks," said Sabien as he took it without looking at the other man. Kotris needed all the willpower he had to prevent himself from touching or saying anything to Sabien. He needed to know what’s up with him badly, but the younger boy didn’t seem to want to tell him.

"Do you… maybe… do you want to talk?" he asked gingerly. Sabien shivered but not from the cold because he’d already put on the coat. He wished Kotris would just take him into his arms. But, no. He promised himself he’d be strong and won’t let anyone know… Yet, Kotris’ presence pierced right through his defence. The ex-soldier always had this strange power over him. Sabien could feel tears in his eyes. His shields were useless against Kotris. His voice would betray him so he just shook his head. He hoped the setting sun didn’t give enough light for the taller man to see tears now streaming down his face.

"Sure?" asked Kotris sadly. Sabien nodded. It was strange that he didn’t speak, but Kotris didn’t know what else to do.

"Well… alright then. I’ll – if you need me…" he stopped because he realised he was just blabbering. Sabien watched as he turned around, bowing his head, and started to walk towards the house. The rusty-haired boy turned around as well and let out a sob that he couldn’t hold in any longer.

Kotris stopped dead in his tracks. Was it? He swirled around and made a few steps back towards the silhouette of boy facing the river. "Sabien?" he called.

Sabien froze. "Uhm?" was all he could get out without giving himself away. But it was useless because Kotris wasn’t stupid and the last three answers he got from him weren’t words - plus he heard that sob. Kotris made his way to him and asked: "Are you crying?"

Sabien shook his head. The taller man stepped in front of him and lifted his chin with one hand. His tears were clearly visible now. Kotris’ expression changed to a sad surprise and then a gentle affection. And that instant, Sabien knew he was lost. He needed him.

"What is it, Sabien? Why don’t you tell me?" whispered Kotris. New tears found their way out, but Sabien just shook his head. He couldn’t tell him. How much it hurt Kotris could be read from him expression. He lowered his hand. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" Sabien knew what he should say. This was a perfect opportunity to send him away. But it was too late. He sobbed aloud this time and buried his face into Kotris’ chest, shaking his head. Kotris was taken aback by that, because he was sure Sabien would just nod and he’d have to leave. However, it took him only several seconds to recover and then he wrapped his arms tightly around the shorter boy, bringing him as close as possible. Sabien cried and wasn’t ashamed about it. He knew it was safe to show Kotris how he felt – he always knew it, but there was a part of him that always wanted to be distant and to build barriers so that he can be protected from the outside world, which was absurd since he’d never felt as safe as he did with Kotris. The dark-eyed man held him tight and occasionally stroked his hair soothingly, or kissed him on the top of his head, while he cried out all the confusion and pain. When his sobs ceased at last, he pulled away and looked up into the deep eyes he loved so much.

"Are you sure you want to hear it?" he asked in a voice weakened by crying.

"Absolutely," replied Kotris.

"We were at the sermon…" started Sabien and he could feel Kotris stiffen. The taller man had gone through his deal of Christian intolerance and he knew how bad it can get. "And he preached about," Sabien gulped, "about people like us. He said the best thing for us to do is to die and then he said we are doomed and sick sinners and that God won’t forgive us until we stop and -" his words became unintelligible as he started weeping again. He felt stupid when Kotris pulled him close and he nuzzled into his neck. "I’m sorry," he whispered.

"Shh, you don’t need to apologise. It doesn’t matter what he or anyone else says. They are just scared and don’t like people who are different and whom they can’t understand – that’s all," said Kotris in a comforting tone. Sabien stopped crying because he hadn’t any tears left and the other one’s words calmed him down a bit. "Tell me, Sabien. Do you believe in God?"

Sabien thought about it for a while. "Yes," he sighed.

"Fine. There are many ways of understanding what’s in Bible. If your pastor or The Holly Church sees us as abominations, it’s alright. I, for instance, believe that God wants us to love each other, not fight or hate anyone or call some of us sick and perverted. I love you and I think God approves of it. Wouldn’t I feel something if it was that bad? I don’t see how I could be so happy with you if it was such an unforgivable sin." Sabien closed his eyes. He liked what Kotris said.

"But everyone in the church agreed with him… I feel like we’re alone in the world." Kotris kissed his soft hair and smiled.

"No, we’re not. There are many people like us. Some hide because there’s no other option and some don’t even admit it to themselves." Sabien pulled away again and looked at him.

"Thank you," he said simply. Kotris stroked his cheek.

"Why didn’t you want to tell me?"

Sabien sighed. "Because sometimes… There’s a part of me that tells me it’s best to close up and don’t let anyone in. To deal with all the problems by myself so that I am independent and no one will hurt me. And today, it took over…"

"Well, I’m glad it didn’t win in the end. Do you feel better now?"

"Yes, a lot better. You have a talent at defeating it," smiled Sabien, but then he got serious again. "I just felt so… alone at that sermon…" Kotris took his chin into his hand and kissed him gently.

"We’ll see what we can do about that. Maybe I can persuade Greg to take me to town next time you go to the church. Do you go in winter as well?"

"No. But we’ll go one last time this year because it’s not snowing yet. I can stay home though, since I’ve been there today."

"Good," smiled Kotris. "And, Sabien? About that defensive reflex you have, what can I do to shut it off for good? Because I really don’t like it when you’re so distant," said Kotris still smiling, but Sabien could feel he was serious. He thought about it. "Aren’t you cold? Shouldn’t we go back inside?" interrupted Kotris his thoughts. Sabien looked around and found out the sun had already set.

"Yeah, let’s go," he replied and they started to walk side by side. "I think I… Well as you said, it’s my defence. I think I know what could be done, but… I don’t know…" said Sabien hesitantly.

"What?" asked the taller man eagerly. They entered the house and went straight into their room, telling Greg and Juliet, who were sitting by the table that they were tired. Sabien sat down on his bed and Kotris did the same on the other bed so that they sat opposite of each other. Sabien lighted a candle and the other one gave him a grateful smile. "So?"

"Well, I’d… Uh, no, I can’t say it like this!" exclaimed Sabien suddenly.

"Like what?" Kotris didn’t understand Sabien’s uneasiness. The younger man frowned a bit. I can’t openly offer myself to him… not like this…

"Come here," said Sabien instead of an answer. Kotris wondered what is going on in his head but obeyed and sat next to Sabien. The younger man turned to him and kissed him gently and slowly as if he was trying to say something that cannot be put into words. Kotris moaned from the sudden rush of emotions that it sent through him. "I’d have to give myself to you completely – I mean psychically. So that my defences won’t apply to you because you’d be a part of me," said Sabien softly and placed his hand on the back of Kotris’ head, pulling him down for another kiss. The ex-soldier complied and caressed his side, resting his hand on the younger man’s hip. "But, it’s not that simple…" whispered Sabien slightly panting.

"Why not?" asked Kotris against the skin of his neck and started kissing it down to the collarbone. Sabien moaned and tried to concentrate.

"Because – nnnngh, ah – because I – am scared to do it," he managed to get the words out finally. Kotris stopped and looked at him.

"Why?"

"If I do it… I’ll become extremely vulnerable… and if you do anything, well, if anything happens, I’m not sure I’ll be able to recover. And it’s kind of a responsibility. Do you understand?" replied Sabien honestly. Kotris took his face into both of his hands.

"I won’t do anything to hurt you, Sabien, I love you. And yes, I understand it completely," he said, looking right into the younger one’s grey-green eyes.

"And will you take me?"

"There’s nothing in this world I’d want more," answered Kotris. Sabien smiled happily and that was too much for him to take - he kissed him more passionately then before and Sabien ended up laying on the bed with Kotris on him. The ex-soldier supported his weight with elbows as he kissed his way down his jaw and neck. Sabien closed his eyes and moaned in pleasure. He felt free for the first time in several years, though he couldn’t really enjoy his new freedom – his mind was occupied with the hot lips on his bare skin. Kotris placed his knees on both sides of Sabien hips so that he could use his hands for other purposes. He grasped Sabien’s shirt and pulled it over his head. The boy under him cooperated but he looked a little bit surprised. Kotris threw the piece of clothing away and looked down at his blushed face. His eyes travelled down the pale skin of the chest under him and he gulped as he felt lust burning up inside him. Sabien looked slightly scared. He knew he had to be slow with him. The tall man bent down and started placing kisses all over his chest. Sabien’s moans sounded divine to his ears and he’d do anything to hear more of them. He made it to his right nipple and took it into his mouth. Sabien thought he’d explode at that unknown feeling. His pants started to feel uncomfortably tight as Kotris sucked and licked his nipple and then continued to the other one. The ex-soldier could feel something pressuring against his stomach and he decided to examine it with his hand.

"Ah! Kotris!" moaned Sabien loudly as he felt the other one’s hand lightly squeeze his hard length.

"Shhh!" chuckled Kotris. "You’ll wake them up." Sabien had to bite down on his own hand when the man above him took his member out and started pumping on it. However, his moans still found their way out of his mouth and Kotris loved the sound of it. It turned him on even more than he already was. Finally, he couldn’t resist and changed his position to kneel in between Sabien’s legs and took him into his mouth.

"Aaaah!" Sabien was absolutely sure he’ll pass out of pleasure as he felt Kotris’ hot wet mouth all around him. He was perfect. It felt like heaven, but Sabien was very close to climax already and after several licks, when Kotris took him whole in, he reached it. Sabien bit down on his hand so that he wouldn’t let any sound out because he knew it’d be very loud this time. He looked down at Kotris as he tried to catch his breath, and watched him lick his lips after swallowing most of his cum.

"Kotris…" he breathed, not sure what did he want to say. The man smiled at him and stroked one of his tights.

"Rest, I’ll just take care of myself," he said, stood up and went to his bed. Sabien watched him, slightly surprised, as he sat down opposite him and slid his hand under his pants, looking back at him.

"Shouldn’t I - ?"

"No, this is your first time, it’s alright, I can do it. Besides, I don’t need much more than looking at you," replied Kotris firmly. Sabien felt sort of relieved because it would really be strange, but as he watched him panting and moving his hand, he felt an unexpected desire. It didn’t feel right, he wanted to do it. He quickly got up and walked over to Kotris’ bed.

"Ah, it’s – really alright, Sabien," panted Kotris but he stopped moving his hand.

"No, I want to do it," said Sabien with a strong determination and pushed Kotris’ hand away. Kotris watched him as he lowered his pants and slowly started licking on his rock hard length. He couldn’t take his eyes off him. It felt unbelievably good to watch Sabien do it for him. Though, when he took him into the mouth, Kotris wasn’t able to watch anymore. He gasped, throwing his head back and closing his eyes in an immense pleasure. Sabien quickly found out what gave him the utmost bliss and he climaxed very soon. The younger boy choked a little but managed to swallow most of it. When Kotris returned from his shortly heightened state of mind and looked at him, he gasped and helped to wipe it out of Sabien’s face.

"Oh, I’m so sorry, Sabien. I forgot to tell you, I’m sorry," he apologised frantically.

"But why? You did the same, didn’t you?"

"Yes, but you don’t need to do it," replied Kotris still apologetically.

"Hm, actually, I love how you taste," said Sabien with a shy smile. Kotris blushed and felt a sudden urge to do all kinds of things to Sabien, but he managed to hold back and "just" kiss him to the point they would have died if they didn’t stop to breathe in some air.

"Was it alright then?" asked Kotris when they were lying side by side on his bed, the younger one resting his head on Kotris’ chest.

"It was… beautiful. Amazing," replied Sabien in a voice full of emotions. Kotris was playing with his hair. "I love you," whispered the boy lying on him.

"I love you too," replied Kotris and they slowly faded into a sleep.


That night, Kotris was haunted by nightmares again, the single theme of them all being the General. He woke up covered in a cold sweat. In the last dream, the old violent man didn’t get to him because Kotris ran to the edge of the cliff and when he had no choice, he off it. He woke up at the feeling of free fall through the cold damp air. It was very realistic. Kotris carefully moved Sabien’s hand that was resting on him and stood up to walk to the window. He couldn’t sleep anymore. This was the third time he woke up that night. Pulling the curtain to the side, he saw first rays of sun emerging from the distance. It was breaking down. Being in reality again calmed him down and he turned around. Sabien slept peacefully, curled with his back to the wall. Kotris was hypnotised by his steady breathing. He wanted to go back and hold him until the rusty-haired boy wakes up, but Kotris didn’t want to risk disturbing his peaceful dreams that were obviously nothing like the nightmares that occupied his own mind. He decided to take a short walk since it wasn’t too long before everyone would wake up. As he walked out of the house, he wondered why these nightmares come to him whenever his really happy with Sabien. Before he found him, he used to dream about General most of the nights, but since he came to the mill, he had nightmares only at times when they slept together. He thought it might be because of the guilt he felt. Guilty - because he stole Sabien’s innocence so selfishly, without as much as being completely honest in return. It was freezing outside, in that early winter morning. He could see his hot breath in white puffs as he walked towards the mill.

Sabien shivered from cold and woke up. Why was he suddenly so cold? He opened his eyes and found out Kotris was gone. He slept shirtless while the body of his lover was warming him, but when he left, his own body temperature wasn’t enough to keep him comfortable, even though he was covered by thick duvet. He brushed his rusty hair and sat up, looking around with more awareness. Where did he go? Sabien frowned – he didn’t like this. Then he heard sound of opening and closing the door, some steps getting closer and then Kotris appeared in the doorway with his coat on, letting a gust of cold air in. Sabien frowned and groaned and pulled the duvet up to his chin.

"Oh, sorry," smiled Kotris and quickly closed the door. "How did you sleep? You looked like you dreamt something nice..." The tall man sat next to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sabien pulled away.

"You’re cold," accused him the younger man. Kotris chuckled, at his scowled expression because it was obvious he wasn’t really angry, even though he maybe wanted to be.

"Sorry, I think I’ll have to warm up somehow. Any suggestions?" he asked as he got out of his coat and threw it on the other bed. Sabien tried to give him what he deserved for letting him freeze alone in the bed, but he couldn’t keep his grumpiness up for any longer. The grey-eyed boy lifted the duvet invitingly and Kotris slit under it.

"But get those clothes off, they’re cold," complained Sabien. The taller man didn’t listen to him though because he was busy with pressing him down with the weight of his body and kissing him passionately. Sabien was helpless and even though he thought about fighting, mere thinking was where the action ended. The indignant groan he intended to let out, changed into a moan of pleasure on its way and he didn’t mind Kotris’ cold clothes anymore because he got suddenly very warm – too warm. When the ex-soldier lifted a bit on his elbows, panting heavily, he had a wild smile on his face. Sabien smiled back. "What are you so happy about?"

"You!" answered Kotris simply, kissing him again and Sabien felt like he was about to melt under him. He was happy and alive.

"Sab, Kotris!!!" shouted Greg’s voice from the next room. For precisely one second they both froze and then Kotris jumped out of the bed and threw Sabien his shirt from the floor. Sabien caught it and quickly put it on, while Kotris went out of the room, closing the door so that no one could see inside. Sabien’s heart was beating like crazy. Did they hear something? He knew it was possible, he remembered being pretty loud despite his efforts last night. He felt his heartbeat going crazy as he got up and walked out from the room. Juliet and Edna were nowhere to be seen and Greg was sitting by the table opposite to Kotris. His father beckoned him to sit next to the man with whom he shared the same anxiety and panic right now. When he obeyed, Greg’s expression turned unusually serious. Oh no, please, no. This can’t be happening. Why was I so stupid, why couldn’t I be more careful?? - thought Sabien hopelessly.

"Alright. Let’s get this over with. So, last night…" Greg sighed, not noticing how all four eyes looking at him widened with pure horror at the mention of last night. "I – it’s not that I… Look, I don’t know what happened but I hope none of you got hurt, hm? I know it wasn’t anything serious and I don’t want to mess with things that are between you, but as a caring father and a good friend and employer, I have to tell you this: You are both adults and whatever the problem is you have to try to sort it out. Kotris," he turned to the taller man, "believe me, I know my son isn’t the easiest one to get along with, but if you let him be, he won’t do anything, right, Sab?" There was a short pause when he looked at Sabien, who had the most confused look on his face. But Greg ignored it – after all, he often didn’t understand what Sabien was saying, let alone his facial expressions. "And you Sab, you know that we need Kotris here so you might as well try your best to get along with him." Greg finished, but neither Sabien nor Kotris knew what to say. The younger man still didn’t fully comprehend what was happening.

"But why are you telling us all this?" he couldn’t help asking.

"Well, we’ve heard you two fighting yesterday… I have no idea what did happen and I don’t want to know. I’m just asking you both to be reasonable and if you’re not going to be friends, then at least don’t make it harder for each other since you have to live in one house, alright?" Greg gave them very serious look. Sabien’s and Kotris’ eyes met for a split second and then they turned back to the man on the other side of the table. They didn’t know whether they should be stressed that everybody heard them or happy that they interpreted their muffled voices and noises they made as a fight. After a short while, they’ve simultaneously decided they were pretty lucky and contritely assured Greg they would try harder. When they left the house to enrich their wood supply, a wide smile appeared on Kotris face.

"What in the God’s name are you smiling for?" asked Sabien indignantly. "Can you imagine what would happen if they weren’t so dumb and realised what we were actually doing?" asked Sabien as soon as he noticed his smile.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," replied Kotris and stopped smiling for a second. "But we were lucky this time. And we won’t make the same mistake again."

"No, we certainly won’t," agreed Sabien grumpily.

"I guess we’ll have to find a way to stop you from moaning so loudly next time," smirked Kotris, revealing his previous thoughts.

Sabien looked at him in astonishment. "Kotris!" he exclaimed accusingly, blushing a little, and nudged him with his elbow while the taller man chuckled, completely satisfied with himself. "There will be no next time if you continue saying things like that."

Kotris cast him an examining look. "Oh, you wouldn’t do that to me," he said but didn’t look convinced.

"Oh, I assure you I would,"replied Sabien with an evil smirk. "I waited eighteen years for you, I might as well wait another… hmm… let’s say-"

"No!" interrupted him Kotris and placed his hand over younger man’s mouth. "I won’t say such things again, I promise. I just liked the memory of it… And you look so adorable when you blush," he said, making one step closer and looking down into the grey-green eyes of his love.

Sabien blushed in response and pushed away Kotris’ hand, smiling timidly. The amazingly dark eyes looking down at him were warm and he read the loving expression on his face right before Kotris bent down and kissed him slowly. It was nearly unbearably sweet, Sabien’s knees felt suddenly weak and he was afraid he’d fall down, but the other one’s hands snaked around him, supporting and holding him close. Their lips parted and they stood there, face only few inches apart and looked at each other in silence for a while.

"I think we should get the wood," said Sabien finally.

"Ah yes… that’s right," replied Kotris absentmindedly and released Sabien’s body from his embrace. As they walked side by side, Kotris’ face suddenly lit up. "You know…"

"Yes?" encouraged him Sabien suspiciously when he saw the familiar smirk on his face.

"How cold is it inside the mill during the winter?" he asked and his eyes pierced Sabien with some kind of subsurface lust.

Sabien laughed at his serious expression and shook his head. "Is that all you think about? We have work to do, come on," he said smiling wildly at Kotris’ disgruntled groan, but he could feel excitement burning up inside him. It felt amazing to be desired by someone. Especially by someone he loved and wanted back.


Several days passed and it was getting colder and colder outside. Everyday Sabien woke up, he felt the winter’s closer. But inside him, the seasons were in reverse. There was a spring in his heart everything was warming up after an excruciatingly long winter.
That evening was one of the happiest in many years for Sabien. They all sat in the kitchen around the fireplace and talked about meaningless things. He was so at ease that he even managed to speak with Juliet about the best colour of apples. She always loved apples red as fresh blood while he liked the green ones that were a bit sour. Juliet seemed to be delighted with the change in Sabien’s behaviour and when he was lying in the bed, completely tired, he smiled for himself when he recalled the way they talked. Before they moved, he and Juliet used to be quite close. It seemed that everything he disliked about her, everything annoying simply retreated somewhere far into the background. He stared into the impenetrable darkness and felt happy. And it’s all thanks to Kotris…

Next morning, Greg and Edna went to the church, leaving the three of them alone.

"Sab, I think I’ll go for a walk by the river. Do you want to join me?" asked Juliet soon after they’d finished eating their lunch. Sabien cast a quick glance at Kotris, who seemed indifferent about it and agreed.

"There’s something I want to talk to you about," said Juliet when they’d put some distance between them and the house.

"Yes?"

"Well… I don’t know how it happened, but I thank God that my brother came back," she beamed at him and he smiled back hesitantly. "And since I feel I can talk to you… and you seem to get along with Kotris quite well recently..." She seemed very excited about something.

"Come on, Juliet! What is it?" smiled Sabien lightly.

"I think he might be the one!" she exclaimed with a wide happy smile. Juliet always dreamed about the prince from a fairytale and Sabien had to admit that if such a man existed, he couldn’t be much better than Kotris. But her revelation took him by surprise and he frowned slightly.

"W-why?" was all he could get out.

"Why what, brother?" laughed Juliet. "I’m in love with him! Don’t you like him too? Apart from how handsome and strong he is… Kotris is just and kind. He’s always good to me. What more can a girl wish for?" Sabien looked at his younger sister. Something very painful was forming inside him. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to speak, but his voice was fortunately still working.

"But what… what makes you think… I mean, what if he doesn’t-"

"Oh, don’t worry," smiled Juliet when she guessed what was bothering her brother. "He told me he liked me," said his sister and her expression softened. "It was so sweet…" Sabien felt jealousy so strong, flooding his body when he saw that soft gleam in her eyes, that he never knew it was even possible to be so jealous. It physically hurt.

"Oh," he gulped. "And w-what about our parents, what if they-"

"I’ve told them already and they said they would be happy to accept him as a true member of our family," interrupted him Juliet again. "And I wanted to tell you too so that he won’t see anything stopping us. He isn’t very expressive about it, but I can feel it in the way he smiles at me and helps even when it’s not needed…" Sabien felt like hitting her so he turned away to look at the river. Yes, Kotris was generally kind and helpful but it didn’t mean anything special, did it? He knew Juliet was exaggerating everything, but…

"Did he really tell you he liked you back?"

"Yes, he did. It was very romantic." Juliet kept smiling and Sabien found it very silly. The old hatred was back again, overflowing his mind and heart. Juliet lost the right to be his sister again… How quickly can things fall apart… He was reluctant to believe it at first, but Juliet would never straight forwardly lie to him like that. He spun around without a word and started running to the house. The hurt, the betrayal… Could Kotris just… play with him? No! Everything in him told him this couldn’t be the case, but he realised that somewhere deep inside, he was always expecting something like this to happen. Things couldn’t be that good. He was too happy, it was too beautiful. And that’s why he eventually gave up and believed. Kotris was too good to be true.

"Sabien! What happened!!??" shouted Juliet after him but he didn’t mind. As he ran, tears started streaming down his face and freezing on his cheeks. But he had to make sure. Maybe if it happened few days ago, he would decide to be strong and simply tear Kotris out of his heart, without showing him how much it hurt. But not now, he gave in to him taking the risk that Kotris will break him. There was no escaping it, no shield. In front of Kotris he was completely vulnerable and as good as naked. But Kotris took him… And he accepted the responsibility and the risk. Could it all be just a game for him?

He got to the door absolutely out of the breath. It opened in front of him and Kotris examined him in panic.

"What is it? Did something happen to Juliet?" asked Kotris, assuming Sabien’s sister is hurt and the boy ran all the way here to get help. Sabien’s legs nearly failed to hold him up from the pain that question and worried look on Kotris’ face caused him. So it is true… - he thought.

"Sabien?" asked Kotris and reached for him with his right hand. That was all Sabien could take.

"You!" he said angrily and desperately at once, sounding as if he had accused him of the most terrible crime by that one word. He fumed, pushing away the extended hand. Kotris blinked in astonishment.

"Sab-"

"How could you?" asked Sabien, trying to muster all his anger but he ended up sounding only hurt and betrayed – which was how he really felt. He passed Kotris and went inside the house.

"How could I what? What are you talking about?" asked the taller man closing the door and turned around. Sabien was sitting on the chair with his face in the hands. He couldn’t speak so he just shook his head. Kotris rushed to him and kneeled beside the chair.

"Sabien?" he asked helplessly. Trying with all his might to guess what could have happened. No answer. He took him by the wrists and forcefully pulled them away from his face. He was crying. "Sabien!" cried Kotris out in a mixture of alarm and surprise. "Talk to me, what happened?" Sabien opened his eyes and looked into the dark ones. They seemed the same as the ones that told him Kotris loved him… They were the same that showed him how much the man cared about him… Could they really be fake? This pain that mirrored his own…

"Juliet told me," he whispered.

"What? What did she tell you?" Sabien snorted. "What does this all mean, Sabien?" asked Kotris utterly confused.

"She’s in love with you and you like her back. Even our parents know about it," said Sabien weakly, looking into those eyes and trying to read in their depths. When he said it aloud… it sounded impossible. It was very, very hard to believe it in Kotris’ presence, because he could feel what was between them and how strong it was. Kotris was silent for a while and they just sat there, looking into each other’s eyes, the dark-eyed man still holding Sabien’s wrists but without any real force. His expression was becoming strangely… incredulous.

"Do you really believe it?" he asked in a very serious tone. Sabien wanted to say the obvious answer; that she told him so, but…

"N-no," he whimpered and shook his head. "No, I don’t…" Kotris stood up and took Sabien with him, pulling him close. Sabien felt like a child who was scared of the monster under his bed and realised nothing was there when his mother brought a candle. He let Kotris’ comfort him and closed his eyes.

"Did Juliet tell you this?" asked Kotris, stroking his hair and kissing the top of his head. Sabien nodded into his chest. "She didn’t lie, you know. I did tell her I liked her, when I was rejecting her. It was just so that it wouldn’t be so harsh but she must have misunderstood. I’ll talk to her, alright?" Sabien nodded again, circling his hands around Kotris’ strong body. He overreacted and behaved stupidly but Kotris didn’t mock or scold him.

"I’m sorry," he whispered. Kotris sighed.

"I just don’t understand how you could believe it even just for a second," replied Kotris calmly.

"Because I am was scared something like this would happen… I still am. I am so terribly afraid that you’ll leave me or I’ll lose you somehow…" answered Sabien truthfully. Kotris pulled him gently away to look into his eyes.

"But that won’t happen," he said with an absolute certainty.

"I know, but I can’t help it," replied Sabien looking up at him. Kotris shook his head and bent down to kiss him. He could feel the younger man’s fear and he understood it partially. He was afraid too. He was scared that Sabien would stop wanting him. Right now, he felt how attached he was to him and how Sabien depended on him, but he knew it could change and he’d hate to see him getting more and more distant. Yet, it seemed inevitable. Sabien was only eighteen – he had his whole life in front of him and even if he did love Kotris today, it didn’t mean anything for the future. But it would be silly of them to let their fears ruin what they had now and so he swore he’ll try his best to protect it. They could hear steps on the stairs and they had to part. Juliet entered and looked at them inquiringly. Sabien smiled at her innocently, hoping she wouldn’t demand any explanation. He stood up and went to his room, giving Kotris a look that said he wanted him to deal with the misunderstanding as soon as possible. The tall man sighed and nodded.

"Juliet, we need to talk about something," Sabien heard him say, when he was closing the door.

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Days passed in a peaceful tempo. Snow regularly buried them every morning and Sabien fought his way out with a spade, thick gloves and a scarf. Kotris asked him why he did it because Greg told him that people in the village simply stay inside on such occasions. Sabien answered that he doesn't like the idea of being trapped somewhere. Kotris just stroked his hair and told him he thinks like a soldier.

Juliet was being unusually cold towards Kotris and there was not very well hidden sign of it in Edna's behaviour as well. But Greg didn't take the fact that Kotris turned Juliet down very seriously. He believed that the ex-soldier would come around sooner or later.

Sabien was back to his general happiness but he didn't try to revive the old bound they had with Juliet. Sabien would go out every day for a long walk and come back about noon. He let Kotris accompany him from time to time, but Kotris felt strangely unwelcome during such walks. It was Sabien's ritual and it had some meaning he didn't quite understand. After two weeks, he didn't try to go with him anymore.

Actually, Sabien never protested because he didn't mind Kotris coming. He just didn't talk to him, because that was his time to get lost in his thoughts and inner world. It was nearly as if his mind was programmed – he couldn't give it up, that was just the way it worked.

One late evening, or rather early in the night, they were sitting in their room, watching the night sky through the window. Kotris sat on the ground with his back against the bed and his arms around Sabien, who was leaning against his chest.

"You know, mother asked me something today," said Sabien calmly, stroking the back of Kotris' hand that was flat on his stomach.

"Hm? What?" asked Kotris and rested his chin on Sabien's right shoulder.

"She asked me whether I am happy. And she looked so… serious, sad even."

"What did you say?"

"I said I was. And I smiled. That should make her smile back, right?"

"I suppose… didn't she?" asked Kotris serenly.

"No… she frowned a little. Do you think she knows?" said Sabien and turned around to look at him. Kotris released him from his tight embrace and looked at him discontentedly.

For the past weeks, this was the constant question on their minds. Do they know? Along with: What will they do if they find out? Didn't they hear this? Didn't they see that? What if they can sense it? Should we do this and that – isn't it too risky?

Sabien sighed. "I know you don't like talking about it… but if they find out…" Sabien waited, but no verbal response came from the man he loved. He turned back to the window and pressed his back into Kotris' chest again. He took the taller man's strong arms and wrapped them around his thin waist to get him back into the peaceful mood again. Kotris didn't move for a few seconds but then he tightened his grip around the younger man's body. He bent his head down and kissed the side of his neck. Sabien smiled.

"If they find out, my dear anxious boy, and if they're very angry, I'll simply take you away with me," he whispered into his ear in a playful voice.

"But where could we go in this weather? We would freeze to death or die from hunger before we can even get to the town," replied Sabien, even though Kotris' words warmed him.

"Don't worry. Do you think soldiers don't fight in winter? There's a plenty of ways to survive even in these conditions. But, Sabien… Didn't I tell you something about worrying?"

"Yes, you did," said Sabien guiltily as if he was being scolded.

"And what was it?"

"That I am not to worry and you'll take care of me," replied the younger man in a tired voice.

"Exactly," praised him Kotris.

"But it's easier said than done," replied Sabien grumpily, but it was only momentarily. He actually never felt so good and safe. Kotris felt it wasn't anything serious and he kissed his rusty hair. Sabien turned his head to the side, waited for Kotris to bent lower and finally kiss his lips. Younger man's body heated up immediately and he turned in Kotris' embrace to get a better access to his body. Very soon, they became just a twisted bundle of quickly moving limbs on the ground.

At first, Sabien was a bit nervous everytime he realised that Kotris was going to do that to him. But he quickly grew accustomed to it at then, it developed into something like addiction. When for one reason or the other, they missed one night, usually because they were too tired or it was too late, Sabien felt unnerved and restless the next day. He also learned what Kotris liked and couldn't, no matter how hard he tried, decide, what felt better – whether being kissed, licked and stroked by Kotris or seeing how much pleasure he could give him. On several occasions, Kotris mentioned that there was something more that could be done, but he always claimed that it was too soon for it. Sabien however, didn't think it was too soon for anything and begged him to try it. Kotris resisted, but Sabien felt he wanted it – and quite strongly – so he knew it was just a matter of time. Right now, he was completely satisfied with what was Kotris doing to him. Sabien quickly searched for something with his right hand and found the small piece of clothing. He quickly stuffed it into his own mouth, just in time, because Kotris' hot tongue touched him and he might as well had groaned all house from the sleep without that precaution. Kotris! was all that was in his head – the only place where he could scream as loud as he wanted to.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Sabien was pleased to find their door not blocked by snow the next morning. Sun beamed at him from the clear sky and he smiled, because he liked mornings in general, but this one was particularly beautiful. He liked waking up in his bed and seeing Kotris sleeping mere meters from him. They’ve decided – after tedious contemplation and strong protests from Kotris‘ side – that they would not sleep in one bed, since they can’t control when the other members of family decide to enter their room, especially while they’re asleep. Until that moment, when Sabien saw the familiar broad shoulders, strong long arms and wild brown hair, he was never sure whether it all wasn’t just a dream. Yes, it’d been more than one month since Kotris appeared at their door, but the way he felt, how the ex-soldier changed his life, it all seemed so unreal. Sabien stepped out of the door and closed them behind him, looking around at the snow melting under the sun’s intense gaze. He shivered from the gust of freezing wind. He watched as the trees of nearby forest bent down under the wind’s force. It occurred to him, that the day was lying, luring him outside with the clear sky and ostensible warmth, while it was actually even colder than the previous days.

“Hey!“ he heard from behind him. Sabien turned to see Kotris closing the door behind him. The tall man stepped right beside him and threw Sabien’s coat over the younger man’s shoulders. „Do you want to catch a serious cold, Sabien?“ he asked reproachingly.

“Noo,“ smiled Sabien gratefully, “I just figured... if I don’t forget it everytime, maybe there won’t be any other reason for you to go after me.“

Kotris looked at the smirking rusty-haired boy and then glanced back at the house. „Keep it up and I’ll have no choice but to kiss you,“ replied he with a wide smile spread across his face. This was their daily routine. They teased each other to death and had a great pleasure from being able to fulfill all their desires at night. Well, at least most of them.


“Kotris...” sighed Sabien suddenly.

“Yes?” looked at him alarmed ex-soldier.

“Will you ever tell me why did you leave the army?”

Kotris met two grey-green eyes gazing up on him. He reached for Sabien's cold hand and took it. “No... Sabien. I won't ever tell anyone... But.. if I were to tell someone, you would be the first on my list, I promise,” said Kotris with a sad but decided smile.

Sabien nodded with a similarly calm, resigned expression. He had to withdraw his hand from the older ma n's, however, because he spotted a not so distant figure wading through the snow toward their house. Kotris turned around to see the reason of Sabien's sudden movement.

“Who is it?”

Sabien only shook his head in reply and began to walk towards the approaching man. Kotris followed him.

“Hey, Sab, right!?” shouted the man when they were close enough to hear him.

“Yes! Who are you?!” yelled Sabien back continuing forward.

“I'm from the town. I'm just passing by, on my way to Sarah's cottage,” replied the man. Kotris could now see he was approximately of Greg's age. He had a deep wrinkles around his eyes and corners of his mouth, as if they were from constant smiling. And the man did indeed beam at him. “Ah, and you must be K - Ko - Kolis, Korh, Kontri?”

“Kotris,” corrected him the ex-soldier with a warm smile and shook a hand offered to him.

“Well, Kotris, Sabien, I'm Agnus. You might not know me but your father certainly does,” said the old man, wide smile never leaving his wrinkled face.

“Then I'll gladly take you to him. But I wonder... why did you choose such a bad weather to visit old Sarah?” asked Sabien curiosly as they started walking towards the house. Sarah was an old woman living deep in the forest. Sabien knew only one man who had ever visitted her and it was her grandson Jack, who lived some hundreds of miles away.

“Aaah, I just felt like it. You know, it's like this with old men as myself, when we feel like doing something, a banal thing like weather cannot stop us,” chuckled Agnus while Sabien and Kotris cast him slightly astounded suspicious looks.

He turned out to be just another of Greg's so-called friends from the Celia's tavern. Greg was very happy to see him and they exchanged news and stories ceaselessly over the dinner table.

“Oh, oh, oh! I forgot to tell you the most thrilling thing that happened yesterday!” shouted Agnus a little too loud and nearly fell off of the chair with excitement. Greg laughed and asked him to spit it out. “Well, my friends, you are bound not to believe me since you must see me as an old fool, but yesterday! Oh, what happened yesterday! I'll tell you, I'll tell you, but - shhhh!” Agnus narrowed his eyes until they became just a two slits, staring at each of them in turns to make sure he got all the attention. Then he began in theatrically mysterious voice: “A group of seven horses galloped into our town, with tall dark riders. They went straight to poor Celia's tavern. They didn't turn to look at anyone, just went to the old lady, who was scared to death already, and the one in the lead - supposedly the cockiest one -” snickered Agnus, but then regained his mysterious tone, “looks at her and asks: “We are here for Mattias Saldner. Are his whereabouts known to you, madam?” All the folks in tavern were silent as dead and she stuttered: “N-no, I-I'm afraid n-not, sir.” Then, finally the seven of them turned to all of us and addressed the question to us, as if we were deaf and didn't hear it before. We all shook our heads as one. Then the tallest one, with the most sinister look, takes of his coat and we can see his long hair black as ebony. Now, we could all see his uniform. He was a sergeant! Our army, can you believe it, how long has it been since we've seen our soldiers? I saw the last one fifteen years ago, when the war with Atnastiants ended, right? Folks like them don't go to godforsaken places like this, no, no they don't...” Agnus paused with a dreamy look on his face and took his glass of beer.

Sabien listened to him curiosuly and when he stopped to sip from his beer, he also reached for his glass and while drinking inadvertently looked at Kotris. He nearly choked when he saw the agonised distress on his lover's face. Everyone turned their heads to him when he began caughing. Kotris looked as if he woke up from a trance and one look into Sabien's inquiring eyes told him that his inner proceeses were noticed. He gave him a fake smile and tried to look as normal as he could, but it was all in vain, Sabien saw right through him and Kotris knew it. This was like a bad dream... No, it was much worse than a bad dream, it was the cruelest nightmare he could ever imagine - and it was real. Agnus returned to his story but Kotris could no longer focus on his words. He was in a state of absolute panic and disbelief. He wished Agnus had never come as if it would have changed the fact that the General's dogs are in the town, only two miles away from him... His heart settled into a stable tempo - twice as fast as normal. He was lost... he must have done something wrong, he didn't remove all of his traces and it will cost him everything. Before he came here, he didn't have anything to lose he was always on the move, never staying for too long - he felt it was safe to settle down after five years of this life. And now, when he was finally happy, his past came back to inexorably haunt him, to take him away from what he valued the most in the whole world - Sabien. He forced himself to concentrate on Agnus' words as they might contain some useful information, also preventing the tears to make it all the way to his eyes.

“... and we stared at them like morons, trying to figure out how he could think there are any soldiers around here. But then, then old Jim stood up and said there's Kotris in your house and he was a soldier so he might help them. And that finally satisfied him and they went upstairs to rest after their journey, and we all think they're going to pay you a visit very soon. Anytime now, in fact, I don't know what they're doing but I started around four in the morning - got here like what? An hour ago? - they must be on their way. Hey, Kotris, maybe you know 'em, right? One of them was tall with a long black hair, the other one looked young like... like Sab here, only he didn't really have firey hair like this lad, ha?” Agnus reached to ruffle Sabien's hair but he dodged his hand and looked at Kotris. Agnus just snickered and followed Sabien's gaze: “So, does that tell you somethin'?”

“No,” replied Kotris solemnly and looked out of the window, his mind working at inhuman speed, driven by increasing urgency that had been building up in him while Agnus talked. He had to decide, right there and then, whether to tell Sabien or not. It wasn't a difficult question, he couldn't take Sabien with him with the risk of being captured - what would the eighteen years old boy do alone in this world? And they might even incarcerate him for helping a deserter. If he told Sabien, he would definitely want to go with him. So he couldn't... The fact that it all had to happen so fast caused him the most excruciating pain. If only he had the time to explain to Sabien... or at least to say goodbye properly... But it was nothing he had time to think about. He suddenly stood up and everybody looked at him. Nice and calm. You mustn't arise the slightest suspicion.

“I think I'll go for a walk now,” he said.

“Alright, lad, maybe they'll already be here when you get back,” smiled at him Agnus. Kotris paid him back with a weak ghost of a smile and thought that Agnus looked like a devil who knows what's happening to him. As Kotris put on his coat, he heard another chair screeching on the floor and Sabien walked over to him.

“I want to go alone this time, if you don't mind,” said Kotris, fighting to control his voice at the thought that this might be the last time he ever speaks to Sabien.

“I do mind, Kotris. I'll go with you and you'll tell me what's happening, alright?” proclaimed Sabien, not really awaiting an answer and put on his coat.

“Sabien, no, it - it's alright, just stay here, please,” said Kotris and realised that running away won't only destroy him but he will do exactly what Sabien was scared of all along and what he promised never to do to him.

His younger lover ignored him though, and opened the door to go outside. Kotris had no choice but to follow him and close the door behind them. “Sabien, please, can you go back inside? I'm begging you.”

Rusty-haired boy turned to face him. “No, Kotris. Tell me, what's all this about? Why are you behaving like this? Do you know those soldiers?”

Kotris sighed and went after Sabien who started to stroll towards the forest. His words made him think of the man described by Agnus. Tall, long ebony hair... dark eyes, pale skin, strong arms and ruthless voice - added his memory. He knew him alright. He knew who they were, why they were here and who sent them... He wished he didn't know. “Sabien, stop, where do you think you are going?”

“Answer my question, Kotris, do you know them? Why don't you want to tell me? Who am I to you when you can't even tell me about something so serious? I can see it all over your face, in your eyes,” Sabien took a step closer to him, “you can tell me anything, Kotris.” His last words were just a whisper. Kotris felt bound by the loving gaze of those eyes. For the longest moment, he thought it would be better to stay with Sabien even if it was only for minutes, until they come for him, or even better, to take his lover with him and run until they catch them. After all, it may buy them several months, maybe few years and one day spent with him was worth more than ten years of life without him. He wouldn't hesitate to do it... if it was only his life, but he couldn't do it to Sabien. What if they catch him and Sabien would pay for his mistakes? What if anything happens to him? Life on the run is very dangerous. He looked around on the snow all around them, the unfriendly cold sky... No... Sabien waited patiently for his answer.

“Sabien, I can't tell you... anything. Look, I need you to listen to me now, alright?” he said, staring intently into the eyes he adored, trying to put all the seriousness of the situation into his words. Sabien reluctantly nodded, but then his attention seemed to shift to something behind Kotris' back. He swirled around, knowing upfront what he'll see. Seven times four hooves unstoppably approaching through the thick white layer on the ground, spraying the snow in every direction. There was still a little time before they would notice them. He took Sabien's hand and began a mad sprint to the shadows of the forest. Sabien didn't hesitate for a second, maybe because he could feel that Kotris was practically on the run ever since he saw his face when Agnus told them about the soldiers. When they were deep enough in the forest, Kotris turned Sabien towards him and pulled him into shattering embrace. Younger man didn't protest... he could feel it, something in Kotris' movements, face, voice... he was going to leave him.

“Kotris, take me with you, I don't care why you're running away, I'll go with you,” pleaded Sabien, tears making their way into his eyes when Kotris pulled away and shook his head. Sabien saw he had made the decision and there was nothing he could do. “No! Why? Why can't you take me, I won't slow you down, I promise.” Kotris shook his head again and cast a quick glance in the direction of the house, invisible somewhere behind the trees. He knew they had left visible traces in the snow and if they found Sabien there, they would assume he helped him escape. Kotris had seconds to come up with something, they will go after them the moment they find out he's not inside. He reached for Sabien's belt and started unbuckling it, without answering Sabien's pleas.

“What are you doing?” asked Sabien and tried to stop him, but he had no chance against Kotris. The ex-soldier took last few seconds to say good bye. He looked into Sabien's confused, scared eyes, holding his belt in one hand and took him into his arms one last time, pulling him close to kiss him, nearly blind with inner pain. Sabien kissed back, understanding at least a small fragment of what this kiss meant.

“I love you, Sabien. And I always will. I can’t even say how sorry I am,” said Kotris slowly, meaning every word and then he took Sabien's wrists, tied them together so fast that the boy didn't have time to realise what was happening. He fastened him to the nearest suitable branch sticking from a tall tree with a dark brown bark. Making sure with one last glance that he wouldn't be able to escape before the soldiers come, he turned around and started running as fast as he could. Even through his loud breathing and the wind in his ears, he could hear Sabien screaming his name in a broken, desperate voice. One solitary tear rolled down his cheek and froze when it fell down on his coat. This was the worst way to leave. But he couldn’t think about it, now he had to survive.


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The cold air piercing his lungs with every drawn breath, the melted snow inside his boots and underneath his clothes, the strong wind ruthlessly attacking his face - all of this left him wandering further with only one thing in mind: Go on. Go on. Don't stop. Go on. That was his mantra, his prayer and his only means of survival. And so he did. For two days. He had stopped last night to rest but the sound of horseshoes somewhere not far away forced him to continue despite the darkness. He couldn't see anything not even the stars or a moon. That night he thought they will catch him for sure.

The only thing that helped him after he left Sabien struggling with his hands tied, was that it started snowing and the soldiers were unable to track him down because his traces were soon covered by a merciful white layer. But the previous night was hopeless and he still didn't understand how could he had escaped. He believed he spent more time falling or bumping into something than actually making progress. Whether it was just his luck or soldiers' ineptitude, he was still free. And as long as this was true, he couldn't let himself give up.

Finally, in the morning of the third day, he saw roofs and chimneys in the distance, that filled him with hope again. He was starving like he never had in his whole life. The thirst wasn't so bad because he ate snow while he trudged through the forest. The worst problem with any town was, that it was the first place where they'd be searching for him and even if he finds some good soul that would hide and feed him, he would put them in a great danger. This, however, was no time for bad conscience.

Kotris had fortunately more than enough experience with life on the run and he knew exactly where to search for a hideout. The moment he reached the first houses, he took some time to look around and went straight to the poorest looking parts and looked for small, inconspicuous buildings. He soon spotted a wooden house squeezed between two others. It had simple door and extremely dirty windows.

Kotris knocked on the door. No response - as he expected. He tried again, this time louder. He heard something move inside but rather away from the door than to open it for him. This was a familiar pattern and a good sign too. He pounded on the door with a fist, which finally scared the inhabitant enough to slowly open the door. All Kotris could see was a huge grey eye encased in skin so wrinkled that for a second, he wondered what was that strange material.

"I'm very sorry to disturb you, but I'm in a great need of shelter. I thought maybe you would be so-"

"And what do I get? No, no, I hardly have enough for myself!" interrupted him the old woman (as far as Kotris could tell) with slow trembling voice, sounding unsure.

"I will help you with anything. I'm sure there's something that strong arms like mine could help with," replied Kotris with a smile. He knew he had already won.

"I - I don't know," said the woman with uncertainty all over her face and in her voice.

"Please, I won't be any trouble," said Kotris, ignoring the sick feeling of bad conscience.

"Eeerh, alright. Come in," said the old woman finally, opening the door a little more. Kotris slipped in and immediately closed the door behind him.

"Thank you," he murmured but all his attention was turned towards the window. He stood next to it and watched the street through the thick layer of dust and dirt.

"You look terrible, young man. What are you running from?" asked the old woman with inquiring gaze pointed at him. Kotris quickly looked at her, thinking he might have underestimated the elderly lady.

"Nothing, forgive me. I'm very grateful to you for letting me stay," he said and left the window to look around the room. Old furniture, more or less useful, was cramped there together with strange objects, likes of which he had never seen. "It's... very nice in here."

"Thank you. What is your name? And aren't you hungry?"

"I'm Kotris. And yes, I am starving, thank you."

"Aah, stop thanking me or I'll throw you out," exclaimed the old woman, moving slowly to the other room, which seemed to be a kitchen. Tall man followed her, bending his head as he was crossing the threshold. "Now, sit down and tell me what are you running from or I'll throw you out," insisted the woman while taking out two plates.

"I..." Damn it... He didn't see this coming. It would be too dangerous to leave and search for another place to stay at that point. The soldiers were probably in the town already. "... from a group of very bad men," he tried.

"Very bed men? Son, I'm not a child. I have no need for fairytales. And here, eat this or I'll throw you out," said the woman calmly, putting a plate full of soup in front of him. Kotris winced. Was this just a figure of speech? He took a spoon and started eating - the soup was delicious, which might had been caused by the fact that he hadn't eaten for three days.

"Thank you," he managed to get out between two mouthfuls.

"Don't thank me or I'll throw you out," repeated the woman perfectly content. Kotris raised one eyebrow and continued eating with a slight shake of his head. Where did he get himself? Everything was better than General, though.


***


Sabien was sitting at the edge of his bed, looking out of the window. It'd been three days since Kotris ran away. The longest days (and nights) in his life. Someone knocked on his door.

"Can I come in?" asked Juliet's voice.

"No," replied Sabien. He could hear her sigh unhappily. Parents wanted her to go back to sleeping inside their room, but she refused to after the first night. Sabien was insufferably obnoxious to everyone. None of them could stand being with him, his mere presence emitted the rage and unbearable sorrow he felt. His mood changed from a desire to break things and strangle Kotris if he ever saw him again to endless crying and helplessness. The latter was overpowering the anger as the time passed, all that was left was heartache in the simplest, most painful form.

He didn't fully understand what happened. Kotris obviously didn't leave the army, he ran away. Sabien didn't know why, but he soon realised he didn't care. The only question bothered him every night and day - why didn't Kotris take Sabien with him? Was it because he would slow him down? That seemed plausible. Or maybe, he... No, Sabien forbid himself to think like that. But somewhere deep inside, he wondered whether he loved Kotris more than Kotris loved him. Or maybe Kotris didn't even love him in the first place. Sabien hit the bed he was sitting on with his fists. He would scream if he were alone. His eyes landed on Kotris' bed - the memories connected to it were suffocating. Sabien's eyes burnt again. This was not fair! How was he supposed to go on living?


***


The ex-soldier was lying on the bed in the smallest room of the whole house. There was barely enough space for that bed so it was the only furniture he had. First night, he was asleep the very moment he lied down and he slept for another day and night, waking up in the morning very thirsty and hungry but rested. This night, however, he wasn't tired at all. He spent the whole day peeling potatoes and opening nuts. And both those tasks gave him too much time. He didn't like it when he had time. His thoughts wandered in unwanted directions.

"Kotris!!! Come here or I'll throw you out!" he heard the old woman shout. He found out, with a relief, it was some kind of a habit to tell him she'd throw him out unless he does or stops doing something. He rushed to the living room.

"Come here, sit down and be my company or I'll throw you out," said the woman peacefully, knitting something purple and unrecognisable. Kotris obediently sat on the only free chair left.

The thoughts came rushing back, all of them centred around one person - Sabien. He never would have thought how much it is possible to miss someone. It was as if he physically craved for him, he could literally feel a sharp pain in the area of his heart. He wondered how Sabien coped, whether he was angry with him, whether he understood at least some of it, if he will be able to continue with his life or if it is possible that he will forgive him one day. But these questions were marginal. The centre of his mind was filled with a desperate need to be with his beautiful rusty-haired lover again.

"You look as if you'd left someone dear wherever you came running from," mused the old woman.

"Eh, do I?" asked Kotris with a sad smile. He already got used to the old woman's perceptiveness.

"Yes, indeed. Was she pretty? And nice? Oh, did she love you? And you her?" Another thing he had to get used to - she had many, many questions. Kotris' smile couldn't hide the sadness but it was a bit amused this time.

"Yes, beautiful and kind and loving inside. And we loved each other very much," replied Kotris with a choked voice.

"Well, well... life throws many obstacles in the path of love... some so big, they cannot be overcome," proclaimed the old woman seriously. Kotris closed his eyes and nodded. But he couldn't kill the last trace of hope inside him - hope that one day, he will come back for Sabien.

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Kotris was washing their plates in dirty water and humming some song he didn't recognise himself. When he finished, he looked around for the old lady. She wasn't in the living room and when he opened the door to her bedroom, he found it empty as well. That wasn't anything to be worried about as the old woman tended to disappear and reappear throughout the day withou Kotris ever noticing when she had left or come back. But this time, a very strange feeling took hold of him. His instincts were telling him something was wrong about the world around him. He checked whether the door was locked - it was. Then he looked out of the window. There was no one in the street. He turned back to the room and only then it struck him. He rushed back to look at the street. It was absolutely empty and he couldn't hear any sounds, voices, noise - nothing. Kotris' heart immediately started to race and he rushed to the backdoor hidden in the kitchen. The alternatvie escape route was one of the first things he checked when he came here three weeks ago. He opened the door abruptly to face three soldiers with guns pointed right at his heart. He spun around but there was Fanthen waiting for him. A vicious smirk crossed the man's face. Kotris remembered Fanthen - who wouldn't, with his long black hair and grey eyes - he was General's favourite subordinate. Kotris often wondered whether he did to Fanthen what he did to him, but he doubted it. Or if General did, then Fanthen obviously liked it because there was no trace of disgust in the men's face when General talked to him. In fact, Fanthen seemed to rather adore him, which made General the only person in the world whom Fanthen regarded positively.

"Ah, Renton, I always knew you were stupid... but staying in the same town - in the very same house! - for five days? Did they manage to grind your brains out in that mill?" mocked him Fanthen as the remaining soldiers tied his hands behind his back. Kotris wasn't listening to him though. His mind went blank. This was the end. He knew it was stupid of him to stay for so long. If anyone he trusted asked him, he would say it was because he got used to staying instead of running and that he got so careless because this seemed to be an ideal hideout. He believed the soldiers left the town long ago to search for him elsewhere. He guessed that they probably did but it was very suspicious that they had not heard of him anywhere in the cities and villages around. Usually, even the most careful and experienced fugitives leave some traces. Since he did not, Fanthen decided to go back to the point were they had last heard of him.

When one of the soldiers kicked him from behind he tried to kick back and fight them all at once as he was dragged through the house and outside into the street. Their neighbours were watching from the windows and open doors as Fanthen mounted and the soldiers got Kotris on his horse's back, facing the ground. They obviously did not want to lose more time because they immediately set off towards the Garafthall where the nearest military office resided. Kotris was in complete turmoil. He was alternately cold with panic and unbareable anxiety and then limb with hopelessness. The truth was, there was another subconscious reason why he stayed in the town for five days. If he left the town, he would forever leave Sabien. He had a safety rule of never returning to the same distric. However, this only added to the stupidity of his mistake because by staying, he practically made it impossible for him to ever see Sabien again since they caught him. He was sure General will not allow him to escape again. Kotris realised that in the light of this new situation he didn't even have the strength to be angry with himself. He didn't have any strength left at all because the mere thought of General was devastating, it drained all life out of him. He only wished General would offer him a trial and give him the chance to be beheaded instead of forced to go back to the life he ran away from all those years ago. In many ways, Sabien brought this doomed fate upon him. If he hadn't met him, fell in love with him so madly, he would never be so imprudent. Kotris closed his eyes and rested his cheek against the horse's black fur. He could feel the strong muscles moving underneath. He would like to die right then and there. With the last thoughts of Sabien because he didn't want to think about him when they give him to the General. It would be disgusting to have merely a thought of him anywhere around that unhuman man.

It took three days to get to the Garafthall. It was too soon to come to terms with one's worst nightmare coming true. Kotris felt entirely betrayed by the world. It seemed incredibly unfair to give him hope – give him the divine happiness of loving and being loved, give him Sabien – and then snatch it away in a blink of an eye. And now, he was being dragged, screamed at to move faster, ushered through endless corridors to the dungeons and then past the other prisoners until he was thrown in one of the dirty cells and locked up. He felt a sharp pain at the back of his head where it collieded with the wall. There was a dim light coming from the torches in the narrow corridor. He could see a dark figure in the cell opposite him and wondered whether the prisoner was alive because he didn't seem to be breathing any more than the cold walls enclosing them.

No one came near his cell for two days execept for the guard who brought him a loaf of bread and water each morning. He didn't answer any of Kotris'questions but that didn't surprise him. He used to be a prison guard early in his military career and had been forbidden to talk to prisoners. And so he was left to ponder and guess what would happen to him. His imagination seemed to work against him everytime he closed his eyes to sleep – he couldn't keep the nightamres with General away – so he tried to keep awake at nights even when his whole body begged him for some rest.

He believed the moment General touches him, he will die. If not physically, than at least he hoped his soul would leave him so that it wouldn't have to suffer what will be done to his body. He spent the last three days of his "life" daydreaming of Sabien as hard as he could, to the point where he believed, for the shortest of moments, that he was back at the mill. He tried to imagine every single detail, he pictured kissing the delicately carved freckled nose, felt the light rusty hair slipping through his fingers, soft lips pressing passionately against his. Sabien's smile, his eyes, his voice – it was all too much to never see, never touch again. By the time the two guards came to take him, all his tears had been spent on the only one who deserved it – Sabien.

He did pretty well, he didn't scream (only in his head), didn't tremble (only a little) and didn't start pleading. That is, until they stopped in front of the double door which, he knew with absolute certainty, lead to General's office. Kotris started to tremble and there was nothing he could to do to stop it. It's not as if the General hadn't seen him in far more humiliating states. The door opened.

Kotris didn't have to see him, he heard his loud breathing, General seemed to be snoring even when awake.

"Ah, finally! Our lost soldier! How long has it been, colonel? Four, five years? I started wondering whether it could be that you were so clever, but no, I thought, my boys just don't seem to be motivated enough. So I gave Fanthen permission to kill any subordinate who didn't appear to make progress in the search. And did they start searching! Ha! And here you are... Good work, Fanthen. You may leave us alone now," finished General, stepping closer to Kotris who unabashedly fell to the ground the moment he was released from the strong grip of his guards.

He heard them leave with Fanthen and shut the door. He felt like throwing up. A hand with thick fingers lifted his chin in a motion painfully familiar. He looked into the grey eyes, so different from Sabien's, which had a promise of torture written in them. A mocking smirk appeared on the wrinkled face.

"Oh, dear Renton. Did you really think you are free? Didn't I tell you you're mine forever? Oh, I can see it in your eyes – your hopes all crushed. You did believe you escaped," said General with an obnoxious scoffing tone. "No one has ever tried to run away, you know. But I always knew you were special." General leaned closer. "I always liked you the best," he whispered and winked. Kotris accidentally inhaled some of the air that came from General's mouth. He felt sick and General's lips on his mouth didn't help the situation. He was always rough, his "kisses" were grazing and painful.
When he broke the contact to tear Kotris' ragged clothes apart, their eyes met. The brown eyes entirely holpless and agonised, the grey ones voracious, cruel and lustful. But the General froze with Kotri's shirt clutched in his hands. He released the fabric and took young man's face crudely into one hand to stop him from averting his eyes.

"That can't be... Did you... Did you find a lover?!" General raised his voice indignantly. Kotris winced and tried to back away but General's hand held him so hard it hurt. "You did! So you went on living as if nothing happened, is that right? Forgetting you have an owner! You – are – mine!" shouted General. Kotris cringed in front of him. He didn't know General would react so possessively. He had no opportunity to find out, after all. General had always kept him locked away only for him to use.

"So how was she, ha? Could she make you come as many times? Oh, she must've been so gentle, so fragile. But you love to be dominated. To be beaten," General emphasized his words by a hard slap and then tore the shirt off Kotris. He dragged the young man up on his feet and pushed him to the big wooden desk at the other end of the room. "Oh no, she could never satisfy you!" The older man forced Kotris to bend over with his chest pressed against the desk wood. He pushed ex-soldier's legs apart and pulled down the remaining clothing. Kotris closed his eyes and tried to numb his consciousness, tried to pull so deep inside that he wouldn't even be connected to his body anymore. He didn't want the physical shell that was being violated so viciously. The brown-haired man opened his mouth in a silent scream when his body was penetrated without anything to lessen the painful friction – the blood would do so soon enough.

***

Sabien was on one of his walks. He'd been going to the forest often ever since that awful day two weeks ago. He always ended up standing in front of the tree that Kotris tied him to. He would reach out to stroke the coarse bark and close his eyes to get back to that fleeting moment when Kotris held him for the last time, told him he loved him and then turned his back on him, never to return again. This time was no different. Sabien looked at the familiar curves of dark wood, partly covered by a fresh layer of snow. He leaned against the trunk and heaved a heavy sigh. The hurt and anger from betrayal were still raging on inside him but the dazing grief occasionally drowned them. He was so tired, so confused... His emotional state was probably the main reason he didn't notice a small group of miliatry horses galloping towards him until they were so close he could hear what they were talking about. He quickly hid behind a thick tree neraby and listened.

"...and bury him."
"He looked like hell. Blood all over him, unconscious, I thought he was dead for a while there."
"He might as well be. I'd behead every deserter. Renton can be glad General likes him." The soldiers snickered apallingly. Sabien felt nauseous. He didn't know who they were talking about but Kotris was a deserter too, after all.
"Let him do whatever he wants to that bloody coward." The rest of the group murmured in general agreement. Sabien gulped, his muscles ready fot an action. They were passing the tree behind which he was hidden.
"But I heard he was General's right hand even before he ran away," said a younger voice.
"What General does with deserters, colonels or anyone else is none of your business. Any of your. Stop talking nonsense and concentrate on the task at hand."
"Yes, Fanthen. We all know General is the right man on the right place. No one has won so many battles."
"But why do we have to bring that girl? What did she do?" asked the young voice again.
"You can ask General once we get back," replied Fanthen nastily to the general snickering. Sabien didn't hear more of their conversation as they were too far away now. He didn't know what to do. Where they talking about Juliet? It could have been any girl from town - he tried to persuade himself. Nevertheless, he couldn't run faster then their horses. Sabien decided to try it anyway and started sprinting through the forest, far from the path so that the soldiers wouldn't notice.

***

Kotris lay on the ground in his room. He didn't have the energy to climb up on the bed when they carried him there last night. It'd been more than two weeks now. General paid him back for every single day he was missing, he had never been so aggressive, his hands so crude and his lips so bruising. Kotris was slowly going mad. He twitched and turned around to look at the window so high in the wall that he could never look from it. This room, at least, was space reserved to him. No one ever crossed the treshold except for the two guards when they were to lead him to General. But it was a consolation too small to compensate him for destroying everything good that ever existed in him. The sun seemed to be too bright. He wished he could go back to the dreamless oblivion that sleep brought him.

"You are dead," whispered broken young man, lying on the floor, to the empty room. "You are... no more. You are not..." He gulped and closed his eyes. Breathing hurt. Thinking hurt. Living hurt too much. The door opened with a loud screech. "No," the ex-soldier breathed out before the guards lifted him on his feet.

"General has a surprise for you today," taunted one of the guards. Kotris didn't react – he didn't even want to imagine what General would call a surprise. But once he got to the office and seen the bright red hair of a girl sitting opposite General, behind his desk, his legs gave out and the two guards supporting him had to pull him up. The girl sitting with her back to him turned around at the sound of a sudden movement. Juliet's eyes widened.

"Kotris?!" she cried out. He realised for the first time that he must look horrid.

"Kotris, you're saying?" General lifted an eyebrow and looked mockingly at his favourite "pet".

Kotris licked his lips, not entirely sure he would be able to speak. "It wasn't her!" he managed to croak out. "Let her go. I swear it's not her," he pleaded desperately.

"Is that so? And why are you be so agonised by her presence here if it really wasn't her?"

"Because she's innocent!" he whimpered. "Please, leave her alone."

General's mouth curved into his charactestically abhoerent smirk. "I don't think so, Kotris," he cooed pointedly.

Kotris was about to collapse. "Then chek – her..." he mumbled.

General looked at Juliet's dumbfounded face and then back at Kotris' poor form. "Check her?" he asked even thought everybody (maybe except for Juliet) knew he understood perfectly.

"Yes... Check – check if she's still virgin."

Juliet stood up to protest but soldier standing next to her grabbed her arm and forced her to sit down.

There was a tense silence for several seconds before General waved at the soldier. "Take her to the doctor. If she's still a virgin, let her go. If not... take her back here," said General with a wide grin.

Kotris prayed that she had kept her virtue because it could very well save her life.

***


When Juliet came back about a week after the soldiers arrested her, she claimed they interrogated her and then let her go. No one needed to know about her humiliation and she came to hate Kotris for the betrayal of their trust, for the fact that he was the reason she had to go through all of that and even for how they behaved to her. She didn't want to hear, let alone talk, about that decadent deserter who had brought such unhappiness to her and her family.

Sabien inquired endlessly about her arrest and what she had seen, whether they had mentioned Kotris, but she decided not to burden him with the truth. He was her little brother after all, and he seemed excessively upset whenever Kotris was mentioned. No, she needed to protect him.

***

After two months of struggling to go back to his previous life, to become cold and indiffenret again, Sabien gave in. Kotris made him a different person. He started talking to Juliet and his parents. His father discussed the work and trade with him in return, finally acknowledging him as his son and heir.

One month later, the snow finally melted and he made some friends in the town. He was glad he tried, it made him much more happier than he was before Kotris came but he couldn't help feeling incomplete. The man who tought him how to love was probably dead or serving a life sentence, as those were the two possible punishments for desertion.

Sabien sat by the window and read a book Juliet borrowed from one of their friends. He had found out quickly enough that anger is the first to disappear after a loved person leaves. Second is the hurt. But the longing and love didn't seem to diminish overtime. They say time heals everything and he came to believe it's true. Only, love wasn't a disease to be healed. It was more like a perpetual feeling of missing something that he knew was essential for his happiness.

Lately, there has been a plan forming, growing inside him. It reached completion that day and he went to talk to his father, announcing he should find two able workers because he will be leaving home to join the army. Both his parents were shocked and did everything they could to change his mind. Obviously, their efforts were destined to fail – they wouldn't even dream of the force that was driving their son to the military.

***

"Attention! Major Helthrow is coming!" shouted lieutenant and the entrance hall started buzzing with organised chaose for exactly five seconds to greet Sabien in a perfect order, soldiers in one file, lieutenant saluting.

"Stand at ease!" shouted Sabien as his eyes sweeped all of their faces. He'd grown to like many of them, some used to be his friends and now were just subordinates. His was what was referred to as a lightning career. In the first five months after his military training, he had outranked all of the recruits that had entered the army with him. He was the best at catching fugitives and deserters that the army had. And a letter announcing another promotion came yesterday.

"Not major anymore," he smiled at the lieutenant. "I have been promoted to lieutenant colonel as of today. A promotionletter came together with a transfer order to Fornswick. This is the last time you see me, thank you for all your work. Major Bricks will be arriving shortly to take over. Rest!" Some of them came to congratulate him and bid their farewell.

Sabien packed his things and got on a late evening train to Fornswick. He never expected to like the military life, but it was at the very edge of bearable sometimes. The veryday routine wasn't particularly enjoyable but what bothered him the most was the promise he made himself three years ago when he entered the army. He promised himself he would not cease in his search for the man that gave him his life back. He had to know whther he died or lived, where he was, either burried or still alive. The army kept detailed records on every deserter but he could never find Kotris. He came upon several Kotrises but they were always either too young or old, had different colour of hair, eyes, different hight. There was always something.

He had his doubts, of course, there were times when he told himself he was wasting his time on a short-lived infatuation and with another male at that. But then he remembered some detail or dreamt of th deep warm eyes staring into his and he knew – he knew he would never give up.

Fornswick was so pompous he thought it couldn't be a military building. But than he remembered it was supposed to be the headquarters. He was to work under General Carrion. The man was a legend and Sabien wasn't disappointed when he met him. The strong build, firm handshake, piercing observant eyes – an exemplary general. Sabien looked forward to working under him.

//***

They found him again. Too soon. As soon as they realised what he was trying to do, they took every piece of clothing he had so that he could not hang or strangle himself. But Kotris didn't give up so easily, he decided he would simply stop breathing.
"If I decide to die, there is nothing they can do to stop me!" he was persuading himself aloud. It became a habit to talk to himself. "Not even the darkest corner of hell can be worse than He," he mumbled as he lay down on the floor. Three years of physical, sexual torture made him hlaf-mad. His only goal was to end it all. On some days, he was too weak to try, sometimes he didn't have the courage, the rest of the days, his attempts failed thanks to the guards. But not today – he thought, lying on his back and staring at the dark ceiling of his room in the west wing of Fornswick palace. He knew he still had about an hour until the guards show up to -... he couldn't even think about it. His own thoughts withdrew from that nightmarish part of his reality as if it would burn them.

"It ends today," he whispered and the words tasted sweet on his tongue. "Three." He closed his eyes. "Two." He smiled. "One." He inhaled for the very last time in his life. Nothing happened for the first fifty seconds. Then his brain begun to protest, his muscles twitching, his body fighting for their rightful portion of air that the owner decided to deny it. He tried to play the horrible images of General to keep himself from giving up and it worked. His head felt so light, his muscles hurt. It won't be long – a thought flickered in his head. And then he saw two grey-green eyes with a strands of rusty hair around them. A gentle smile. Freckles on a ligthly tanned smooth skin. Thin fingers troking his face...

Kotris gasped for air. His lungs inhaled so much air they seemed to be about to burst. As he sat there, defeated, denied the most essential right to end his own life, by a mere memory of a man he will never see again. Hollow and broken, a singular tears streaming down his cheek, he wished he couldn't remember. He wished Sabien was just a dream. Because he could never leave a world that had Sabien in it, no matter how much pain it brought him.

***

Sabien didn't know what to think of all the rumours. He heard whispers from time to time, about General's special taste, about his public secret. But no one was willing to answer his inquiries. He was too new, apparently. One of the majors told him he would find out soon enough.

His day came several weeks after his arrival to Fornswick. General had taken a great liking to him and told him he was to supervise the transport of one special prisoner to a different room because he had made too many suicide attempts. Sabien was shocked by the indifferent tone with which General informed him about these details. He concluded the prisoner must have done something awful to be treated so heartlessly and didn't give it a second thought.

"The prisnore has to be blindfolded, his hands and feet tied" he informed the guards in front of the door to Renton's, as he found out was his name, room. The guards unlocked the door and entered to fulfill the orders. Sabien looked inside, driven by curiosity. The man inside seemd to be quite tall, his body naked and bruised. He looked half-dead. Sabien frowned diaspprovingly. The guards lifted Renton's body and Sabien could see his face for the first time. The rusty-haired man's heart skipped a beat and his breath hitched. Oh, God! His legs felt suddnely too weak to support his weight. NO, for Christ's sake! He looked at that face again to find anything to disprove his first impression. But there was no denying it - it was Kotris. Miriads of thoughts swirled in his head, assembling, tearing apart, mixing and attacking each other. His heart was clutched in something cold and hard as ice.

"Lieutenant colonel?" Sabien's head snapped up. "Is there something wrong?"

He gulped down the mad scream that was climbing up his throat. "No, no. Go on," he stepped from the door and let them pass. Kotris was sleeping or unconscious or just too tired to open his eyes. Sabien followed the two guards as if he was dreaming. The only thing keeping him walking was that he couldn't stand to loose the sight of Kotris. He would never ever leave him now that he had finally found him. But what have they done to him! Sabien blinked back the tears pushing into his eyes. How could someone to that to his Kotris? He felt like going straight to the General's office and strangling him. But he couldn't leave the brown-haired man now. Kotris was there and he was still breathing, even if in this terrible state. Sabien would give anything for a chance to be alone with him. Three years was far too much. What if they damaged him so much he wouldn't even remember him?

The opportunity came at night. He still had they key to the room where they moved Kotris. General gave it to him to prepare it and never took it back. Well, he was supposed to give it to one of the guards but he had forgotten about it and Sabien had enough time to go to the town and have it copied. Now he crept through the corridors, heart beating so hard he felt the blood rushing in every part of his body. When he finally stopped in front of the right door, he unlocked it as silently as he could, slipped in and locked the door again. Kotris was curled on the plain wooden bed. His chest was definitely too small for his heart. It was at the verge of bursting.

"Kotris?" he whispered lightly. Nothing. He came closer and kneeled by the man's head. Even with the bruises covering his jaw and left cheek, even though he was nearly twice as thin as Sabien remembered him, Kotris was still beautiful. Sabien didn't even try to stop the tears from silently rolling down his face. He raised his hand and stroked the unbruised cheek as softly as he could just to see if the man in front of him wasn't merely a dream. It wouldn't be the first time he dreamt of the renuion. Kotris stirred and calmed again. Just as Sabien thought he would continue sleeping, his eyelids fluttered and opened to reveal pained, exhausted brown eyes that used to emanate so much warmth.

"Kotris," Sabien choked out and covered his mouth with the other hand. Kotris was wide awake now, his eyes fully opened and staring at Sabien's face. The imagges he had projected were never this real. And Sabien wasn't aged. But this man in front of him was approximately as old as Sabien would be now... Withouth the trace of the childish grumpiness. The face was so attractive and so dear to him. Kotris blinked.

"Are you real?" he inquired with an infinite sadness in his voice. Sabien sucked in air and nodded, smiling through his tears and lay his hand lightly on the cheek of his beloved. The air stuck somewhere on the way from Kotris' nose to his lungs. He closed his eyes and pursed his lips in an attempt not to cry. He couldn't afford to believe this. But the hand on his cheek – the soft skin. The grey-green eyes looking at him so lovingly... "Kiss me," he breathed and his wish was immediately granted. The second he felt those soft lips on his after the three long years of yearning and desperation, of the suffering and the death-wish, he thought he would die now - of happiness. His hand shot upwards to pull Sabien closer while he propped himself up on the other arm. The kiss was the sweetest thing in the whole world. Even though it soon started to taste a bit salty from both Kotris' and Sabien's tears.

"You found me," whispered Kotris incredulously when they broke apart to breathe. Their foreheads and noses were still pressed together so as not to put any unnecessary distance between them.

"I joined the army. I never stopped searching," smiled Sabien against his lips just before Kotris kissed him very slowly. It was nearly unbearably intense. They both felt like they were going to explode.

"I never even dreamed..." breathed Kotris and Sabien gladly took all the air from his mouth in.

"I was beginning to lose hope," he stroked his cheek again, his jaw, his neck. Kotris winced when Sabien's fingers touched one of the bruises and the reality hit him. He pulled away and looked into the eyes that still seemed more like a dream in this horrible place.

"But I am – I... you have to leave, Sabien," he choked out.

"What?" asked Sabien, confused. He tried to pull him into kiss again but Kotris shook his head.
.
"I'm d-damaged. I'm not the same anymore... and never will be," he explained brokenly.

"I love you all the same, Kotris. I want you whether you're broken, diseased, blind or dying. I don't care. I cannot live without you. You saved me, remember? Now it's my turn to save you. And I'll never let anyone separate us again," said Sabien and finally succeeded in pulling Kotris towards him, hugging him tightly.

"I love you so much. You're the only reason I didn't kill myself," whimpered Kotris and felt weak and so exposed but it was alright. Everything was alright and Sabien pulled him even closer and whispered - whispered endless, heavenly sweet things about future, about them.

***

It took Sabien six day to plan the escape and they had to wait another five until it could be done. But the freedom never tasted better.

"Do you realise we'll be on the run for the rest of our lives?" asked Kotris worriedly on their way through a thick forest.

"Do you realise I'll get to spend the rest of my life with you if I manage to avoid being caught? What makes you think any living soul would be able to catch us if I have such a motivation?"

They smiled at each other and continued on their way.


Epilogue

Sabien glanced from the window. Kotris was sitting on a bench and looking at the fields. The rusty-haired man smiled at the warm feeling of happiness spreading inside his chest. He never stopped being grateful. He put down a plate he had been washing and went to sit next to his love.

Kotris looked up and smiled at him sadly. Sabien took his hand and leaned his head against Kotris' strong shoulder. He didn't succeed at erasing that sadness in the brown eyes completely. There were moments when Kotris thought about the past and Sabien could do nothing but hold his hand like that. But Kotris said if he could be healed completely, Sabien will heal him. And there was stil less and less sad smiles and distanced looks. There was more "You make me happy, Sabien." and "I can't imagine better life, love." So they sat together until the nightmares from the past passed and Kotris lifted Sabien's chin to kiss him hungrily. They ran into the house, laughing and left the bench and the pear tree to stand guard to their little world of happiness they had fought for so hard.