GROUP

one

      "Its December 12th, 2017 and it feels like I'm failing, my lungs hurt and my skin itches like i can scratch for hours at a time, my arms are developing scabs from the last withdrawal and it left me anxious to do more but my body hurts and it feels like I'm going to relapse" i spoke into the small recorder on my phone as i laid in my almost empty room. I looked around the room trying to find something to pawn, anything to get me enough to feel okay for today. I looked through my jewelry my ex husband bought for me. My eyes scanned across the diamond earrings he bought me for opening my last business. Memories flooded through as i placed them in my pocket and walked towards the pawnshop i always pawned my stuff at. 

  "Back again Mark?" The worker who always pawned Marks stuff asked, logging into the computer. I placed the earrings on the counter, as his eyes widened at the sight. No doubt it was real gold, his reaction made me feel almost guilty for pawning the earrings that hold no value for me anymore. 

  "Would you like to pa-"

  "I'd like to sell it" i answered cutting him off, I'd never have the money to get it out anyways. I scratched my arm, the burning becoming more severe as he counted 400$ in total. I grabbed the money and left as soon as possible, and in seconds i was on the phone with my provider. I would of been okay right now, i would of been sober if the memories from the past didn't come back as it crawled in my dreams like a stranger. 

   The memories were the worst things i remember about what had happened, it pained me and it made me physically sick knowing who he was. I spent so many days trying to recolor who he was, without realizing that's who they are. I'd cry every-night and i'd blame myself for having you leave. It made me hate myself even more than i already did. There were moments where i'd see his face in the crowd by the subway, and those moments, are the moments i feared the most because even though I miss him so much seeing him there makes my bones shake and my heart race and that's when I'm brought back to reality. I don't want him here. 

'HONK' 

I snapped back to reality as the light was green and the cars behind me honked to hurry up. I finally made it to the destination i was going to, it was only two seconds before i saw the guy who helped with my addiction come out of the house. Adams cousin, Ironic isn't it? My ex husbands cousin provided me with the very thing that keeps me going. 

   "Hey Mark, whats up?" he stood by the car door looking into my old beat up car. 

    "oh you know, same old" i joked hoping this would go by quickly, i wanted to be home already, he looked me over and noticed how much more skinny i looked. It almost looked like regret, but the regret faded quickly. 

    "Here ya go" he said handing me the substance. I slid it in my pocket and sat there for a second. 

     "How is he?" i asked him, i regretted asking the question seconds after because it was going to hurt me hear about him. 

     "He's okay, he came over last weekend to pick something up but that was it"

Last weekend, i messaged him last week and was met with exactly what he's been giving me since the divorce has been finalized 

 silence

It drove me crazy, the silence was deafening it felt like hand cuffs were cuffing me to the very fact this man i saw at the end of the aisle, who declared to love me through the sickness and in health was now a memory that would stay a memory. I looked at restraining order i had on him, the very paper my family forced me to have on him for showing his true colors. 

  "I'm gonna leave now" i responded after a while, starting up the car the noises bringing back memories of nights that ended with me and him kissing into the night-time and the nights that ended with me sobbing driving to where ever i could. I remember not being able to drive to stay with family members when the fights would get so bad, because the moment we got married he moved me out of state, away from my family so i was isolated. 

~

    The high that came after the ejection, they called the 'drop' and the feeling you feel that sits at the bottom of your stomach and you feel it in the back of your skin it felt hot. My fingers hovered over the buttons of the phone i held firmly in my hand, Adams number on screen i had to do this without telling everyone what i was planning on doing; he had to know, he absolutely had to no questions asked. 

   "Hello?" 

I almost regretted even calling, i couldn't speak at all i had so much to say yet nothing came out. 

   "Ah- hey" i sounded a lot more higher than i thought i did and i coughed trying to play it off 

   "Mark, we can't talk" he said flat out, my heart breaking with each word of the sentence. 

   "Ah,, yeah, totally i know that" my voice broke my eyes already watering 

   "Hey.." he started 

  "I miss you.." i sobbed finally breaking as i held my face in my hands 

   "I miss you too, more then you know but we cant talk anymore" 

And with that he hung up, leaving me there alone with my broken heart.