Ten Commitments to Your Success by Steve Chandler - Commitment Number Seven - To Your Partner - "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." - Tom Robbins - If you have a partner right now, stop judging and evaluating that partner. Stop critiquing and keeping score. Stop holding up judges' cards and calling out numbers. Just appreciate and let live. "The deepest craving in human nature," said William James, "is appreciation." Without a commitment to appreciation of your partner, the relationship goes out of control, and control is what you want. Not control of your partner, but control of how you feel about her. As far as your relationship with your partner is concerned, you will want to make the differences you can make, and not the differences you would like to make but can't. It's the giving of appreciation you can control, not the getting. So forget about the getting. That will happen on its own. You don't need to push the river. Or, to rush in on the wave of another metaphor, if you pull up on the seat while the airplane is lifting off you don't help it lift off one bit. Always focus on what you can do something about. "But what if she keeps criticizing me?" Trent asked me one day as we were discussing how his wife was making his relationship almost impossible to enjoy. "It's a partnership, not a judging contest," I said. "Back off and she will back off." "She starts it." "It doesn't matter, just back off and hook into your higher spiritual purpose, to serve and celebrate everyone you love and care for, your partner, your family, your friends and your customers, internal and external." "What if it doesn't work?" "It works. I've tried it." "What if I relapse?" I almost told Trent to "be patient." But because of what I have learned and applied from Shrunyu Suzuki, I told Trent to "be constant." Suzuki said, in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, "The usual translation of the Japanese word nin is 'patience,' but perhaps 'constancy' is a better word. You must force yourself to be patient, but in constancy there is no particular effort involved-there is only the unchanging ability to accept things as they are." Trent is like so many of my coaching clients who use a segment of their session for family issues, especially when those issues are getting in the way of career focus and success. Often it's about a partner. A wife, or husband, or any kind of life partner. I am not a marriage counselor, so I simply use the same advice I give for professional relationships that are not working. It seems to get good results. It can be summed up in two words: "Stop disagreeing." My client named Boris came to me once with a problem he was having with his reputation at work. Boris was a CEO whose employees didn't trust him. They didn't trust his requests to be open and forthright with him. It showed up on the employee surveys. So I decided to get to the bottom of this. I followed Boris around for a few work days, sitting in meetings with him with his various teams and even in his one-on-one meetings. Pretty soon his problem with trust became clear. So I gave him an assignment. "I'm giving you an assignment, Boris," I said. "Well, okay, you're my coach, and I guess it's what I pay you for, so whip it on me," said Boris, "what is it?" "Stop disagreeing with people," I said. "What do you mean by that exactly?" "For two weeks, I don't want you to disagree with anyone, no matter what. Not just at work, but at home, too. Your wife and kids included. No disagreeing." Boris looked stunned. Then he looked puzzled. "I don't know how that would be possible," he said. "What am I supposed to do. Do I just remain silent? Put duct tape over my mouth for two weeks?" "No, not at all. Just don't disagree." "Do I lie and pretend I agree with things I don't agree with?" "No, no. no! Don't lie or pretend. Just don't disagree. Stop disagreeing. It's an exercise. Exercise leads to strength." "Well," said Boris, "I'm afraid I'm confused. I don't know how this would work unless I just remained silent." "If you want to continue to talk and interact with and support your employees and family members, then I'll give you an idea about how to do that, but you'll have to be willing to change how you listen to people." "Don't I listen to people? Is that what you're saying?" "Oh, you listen, but you listen from a very dysfunctional place. You listen to people from whether or not you agree with them. When someone speaks to you, the first thing you try to determine for yourself is whether or not you agree with what they are saying." "What's wrong with that?" "Look at your employee surveys." "Disagreement wasn't mentioned." "Disagreement leads to distrust. It makes you disagreeable." "What other option do I have?" "How about listening for something else? Instead of listening for whether you agree with them, listen instead for the value in what they are saying." "Listen for the value?" "Listen for the value." "What if it has no value?" "Who has no value? If you hire people who have no value, then we have a hiring issue, not a CEO trust issue." "Okay, okay, I see what you mean. Even if I don't agree precisely with what they are saying, what I talk about when I talk to them is the value in what they said?" "You've got it. There's value in every idea. Your job is to find it and comment on it," I said. "At home, too? Does the assignment carry over to home?" "Yes, especially at home. Don't disagree with your wife or kids either. In two weeks you can go back. It's only a two-week assignment. You can do it."
