The Healing Powers of Loud Music and Frank

Convulsions

"Haven't had a dream in a long time

See, the life I've had can make a good man bad

So for once in my life let me get what I want

Lord knows it would be the first time,"

--The Smiths, Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

---

Next Friday was the day, Gerard decided. He drinks and muses what it'll feel like to be dead; he wonders if he'll feel pain and if he will, would it be all-encompassing? If it was ephemeral, it would be the last thing his brain would register. The thought scared him, and he contemplates backing out from his premeditated death and seeking help. He's reminded within the hour of why he's never turned to anyone.

They would never understand what he felt. The burden he felt, heavy and resonant, never-ending. A feeling of disgust, of hatred to everyone and everything, to himself. He hated himself. He hated everyone for not recognising his pain. He hated his parents, who turned a blind eye to Gerard's suffering and swore it was a phase. He hated Mikey, who spend every single moment with Frank rather than him, his own flesh and blood.

It would change, however. By the end of the week, everyone would know of his inner demons and they would feel guilty for not recognising the warning signs sooner. They would curl their fists and cry out to God, and hate themselves for not being able to save Gerard. They would blame themselves, and it was all their faults. He was crying out for help at the bottom of the bottle, and everyone knew it but no one did a damn thing about. It would be too late, and he'd show them all. He would break away permanently from his tribe, his life, as he knew it.

---

He writes a short note on Thursday night, in his scribbled and clumsy handwriting. The note reads, "The nuisance of life is easily resolved. I will destroy it before it destroys me. Donna, burn my things. ALL of them. Don't keep anything, I know it'll make you sad. Do yourself that favor. Mike, keep the van. I hope that makes up for things."

---

On Friday morning, Gerard wakes up early. Earlier than he has ever done in his whole life, it's five thirty in the morning and he thinks about every single step that took him to where he was. He stares up at the ceiling overhead, and thinks about everything he's ever done. He begins to cry at some point.

---

By the time Mikey leaves to school, Gerard's parents had long since left for work. He feels his heart drop inside his rib cage as the front door slams shut. Now, he had to go through with it. There was no other option. At nine in the morning sharp, Gerard stands, takes on last look in the mirror and fetches the gun.

Within minutes of thinking and crying and yelling, he sits on his bed and loads the gun with one bullet, puts it under his chin and fires it in desperation. The gun falls from his hand and onto the floor with thud. His body becomes slack, as he falls back on his bed, blood on his face and some splatters on the wall behind him. He begins to convulse, life leaving him.