Hi there. I wish to tell you my story, how my life was changed. I am a christian (since childhood) and wanted to share how my life went from rock bottom to what I am today. So I start with describing my situation the past three and half years. (Feel free to message me for a chat; if you have questions or want someone to speak with.) This is highly personal, so I chose to not use some of the names of people mentioned, especially to honor the passed part of my family. This happened to me IN REAL LIFE.
I was twelve years old when someone pulled away the ground beneath my feet. My grandfather passed away, I had gotten him so close the last years and we spent more time together than we used to. I was the one to answer the phone and hearing heartbreaking crying, so badly I could hardly hear my gran's voice. I didn't understand what it was about until one of the ambulance personal took the phone. That was when my world chrashed.
I spent more than half of a year, crying, grieving. It was hard moving on. My empty- and loneliness began. The hole in my chest wasn't healing. The acute pain was stilling, but the hole was still there and the pain was a constant companion, a burden on my shoulders under these years. On the anniversary everything the teachers mentioned seemed to have a connection to my graddad's passing. I started crying in class and had to leave the room, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe.
A few months after that, my mom told me that the man I saw as an "extra-granddad" (who actually was my grandmothers half sister's husband) had passed away in cancer. I wasn't aware of him having cancer and it came as a shock to me. The acute pain in the hole came back, the hole grew to the double size. The emptiness and unwilling to feel started to grow. What was the meaning of feeling when all you felt was pain and grief?
(To underline the facts that I've never really had a best friend whom I could share my secrets and thoughts with. I am an old soul and have always acted far more mature than people in my age, and I still do.Some of my experiences made me put up a facade to save myself from getting more hurt. I still got this facade, but i'm tearing it down, in baby steps. Now I know which people I can trust and with what.)
My grandad's two sisters also passed in a short amount of time. I felt fed up. Why did everyone I loved die from me? The pain in my chest was constantly bothering me, I swallowed everything up the inside and started to numb the worst pain by plugging in my earbuds 24/7. I tried to find songs easing my pain and anger. I spent the nights crying my pillow wet, earbuds still plugged in. I cried home alone, at the bus, as soon as school finished. No one ever cared or asked how I was feeling.
I lived like an emotionless zombie. Not wanting to feel, pretending not to care, because it was easier that way. (Add up the stress of grades and homework.) Lots of things I don't want to mention made my struggle harder, and I lost my faith. The future looked dark, not as in career choice, as in unfaked happiness and my will to keep on. I did my best not to show my sorrow, and since no one, parents, teachers, friends, family, seemed to notice, I guess I did a good job pretending I was okay. But I wasn't, I was breaking.
To add on my misery, we had to change classes twice. The first class I was rated as "dork" and no one, except my friends of four, talked friendly to me unless it was a school project and a teacher was present. A girl and a boy made it their task to make my life as uncomfortable as possibly. I swallowed that up to, until a point I couldn't stand it anymore. So I went to see the headmaster and told him about this. It was the girl who bothered me the most, so she got calls home and stopped the worst eventually. (We're not in the same class anymore, but they still make fun of me when they get the chance.)
After the class changing, two new persons decided to be my personal tormentors. However they stopped after about a half of a year. Then I got sick, otitis. Spent more than three weeks at home, the best of my friends texted me, but mainly my computer, the tv and the music on my phone was my company.
