You might not read it but in the end I want to get everything out, I don't want to hide anything I don't want to make you upset.
When we first spoke to each-other on discord when you was with Belhoul, I honestly didn't know anything about you, I thought that you was going to be another person who was going to be invited my Belhoul into our friends discord server to sing songs and everything and laugh, but when you started playing songs I knew and could sing along to and you found it funny, I honestly found it a bit sweet, I didn't know anything about you at this point and we stopped speaking, you'd randomly join our calls whenever belhoul did until suddenly you two stopped being together, Belhoul told me and I just went straight over to you wanting to know your side and how you felt, when you was telling me everything I felt like you trusted me even though we didn't spend a lot of time together and we only spoke in a few occasions, I honestly was scared to meet you at first when you suggested meeting at the park with all your friends there, I was scared as I knew if I arrived and there were other people there, I'd be all closed up in my shell and wouldn't be able to speak or if I did even speak I'd look like an idiot, but when we met properly not the time we met at the station but didn't know who each other was, but when we were going to the zoo, you said to meet at the station at around 9-10 I was there early as usual, and waited around till 1pm for you to arrive, I honestly felt like you stood me up until I saw you come up to me, I knew that me waiting there for that long was worth it as otherwise I wouldn't of been able to see your smile on that first day and when you got cold to be able to hold you, On that day I felt like I met someone who I could have fun with online but also spend my time with in person and tell how I feel to, but I didn't, I only told you things you wanted to hear so it wouldn't upset you such as when you knew something was off about how I felt and you asked if I was okay, I'd always smile and say I am fine when inside I feel like shit but having you there changes that, I should've told you the truth from the start and it literally kills me inside not knowing I didn't do that from the start, Before meeting you I'd spend my time if I am not drinking a bit it was rather playing games and if I am playing games it'd take my mind off things for a moment that's why drink became a big part of my life as I could forget all the shit that was going on no matter what it was, but meeting you changed that, I stopped drinking and so far haven't touched a drink since we began flirting with each other as I didn't need a reason to forget anything as I had you, I had a reason to enjoy my life instead of hating it and wanting to end everything on a daily basis, As I knew waking up reading your message would change all of that it'd make me smile, it'd make me feel special it'd make me feel like I could wake up and actually have the energy to push through the day, I loved spending my time with you even if it wasn't for long all those moments I treasured, even when I went on holiday to Florida, we spoke once a day? not for long due to time differences and everything, But the holiday wasn't the best part going to amusement parks having food all of that nothing could compare to getting back to the hotel grabbing my iPad quickly and messaging you as that was the moment I felt all warm inside and felt like I was at my true home.
I honestly feel like I am complete and you say "Everyone says that" Well everyone might but they aren't people who have one source of joy in their life and that source of joy was recently introduced to them, they're not people who knew no matter what happened that you would always be there, I literally felt like ending it all on so many occasions I felt like no matter what happened in my life no one would care that I have no place and it would've been better off without me being around and I had that mindset for ages and to be honest with you, I still sometimes think that and then I remember that I have a place, I have a reason and I'd do anything to fight to keep that reason and you was that reason layla and I am sorry this might be paragraphs and everything but I can write days on ends about you as the way you've changed my life around and make me feel like I actually have a purpose in life and have a place I belong is what made me feel special, All I care about layla is your health and happiness like anyone would take their jacket off for their girlfriend and put it around them if they're cold but if they refuse they won't continue, I kept doing so until it was around you and you was warm, as I didn't care about getting hugs and kisses from you at that point I cared about having you not catch a cold and getting sick as if you got sick and I could've of prevented it I would be hurting inside like how I am hurting inside right now knowing I hurt you and it's literally ending me.
You said recently that I bet the "I love you" weren't even real, I'm sorry but layla when I say I love you, I mean it, I could scream it nonstop saying I love you as my feelings for you haven't changed since the moment I got to know you want to know why I love you? As you make me feel special inside, you're there for me you make me feel warm inside you literally give me butterflies in my tummy when I think of you as you're literally the definition of perfection overall layla and everyone will agree with that, I thought you was out of my league and you'd never go out with me moment I saw you in real life layla, I thought oh she'd just think of me as a friend, I'm not religious or anything layla and you know that but I am glad one prayer of mine was actually answered and that was to be with you as that one prayer has made me have the best 1 year 2 months of my entire fucking life, and I hope it could be longer as I honestly don't want to hurt you or do anything to hurt you, I want to make the past the past and start new with you layla, you might not see a future of us together but why would you want to see in the future? when we could make it possible as I'd risk life and limbs for you, I'd risk everything to have you this one time and have you as mine and show you how I truly feel how I truly am, with me opening up to you about everything, having you as my girlfriend and someone you can actually trust and not have second thoughts about. I love you layla, I loved you from the moment I got to know you from the moment you came into my arms at the train station after getting cold, I love everything about you from when you smile at my weird faces or laughs when you get shy and snuggle into my arm, when you get tired while walking and rest your head on my shoulder, when you sneakly grab my hand with both of yours and pull it closer to you, I even love it when you bully me sometimes and you scream out JK right after as it's moments like those I always treasure and one moment I will always treasure in my life is the moment I met you as that was the most life changing moment in my entire life as at that moment I knew I met the one person in the entire world I want to spend my every single second with and invest all my time into.
