Sometimes I wonder, why do we have a heart getting crushed and broken every time we open it? Why do we still open up after having our hearts packed down? Why do we allow ourselves to fall in love when we know nothing ever lasts? I guess no one actually knows why.
It was a snowy morning when I left Westwards. Though I didn't want to leave my home town nor Ryan, I concealed my vanity for the sake of my career.
Ryan. Ryan Berendsen. Hearing that name crumbles my heart into pieces until now. He was my best friend, and once was my everything. It was around the beginning of freshmen year when we became close. I can still recall the day when we bumped each other’s head, trying to reach for a pencil that had been knocked out on the floor and when I had my pathetic excuses on my mom to stay late just to talk to him. Silly conversation starters would eventually merge into talks regarding deep topics like love, life and philosophies. From that time on we had always been hanging around together as often as I’d hang around with my family. As the time went by, I had eventually fell for him - which saddened me the most, assuming that he only thought of me as his sister.
I suppose things change after all. We had been together for a lot of blissful years, but that particular year was a miserable one. I shall move away. Moving far away from him felt like a new world I was hardly trying to get myself into. My profound love for him was still there that I don’t want to leave him behind. Once he said that we should call each other at least twice a week, send letters and emails if we have time just to stay in touch with each other. I didn’t agree. I don’t want to get hurt again. I was too selfish. I tried to forget him, and my decision was too strong that time.
The day of my departure came and he was nowhere in sight. I wanted to call him, but I didn’t have the spirit to do it. I had just convinced myself that he was still mad at me. I left the country heartbroken.
In a short point of time I met Yves - a businessman with soft red lips and high cheekbones. His eyes are gray with blue flecks. I was stunned to see such a good-looking man like him that almost made me forgot what I had been feeling for Ryan. We also became friends. After a few months we got in a relationship. I thought he was the last man that I will fall for, but I was wrong. Way too wrong. He was having an affair with my employee, Myrtle. I was engulfed by a sudden remorse and resentment which made me swore to myself that that would really be the last time I will open up my heart for anyone else.
A year had passed. I was near on entirely mending my heart when an unexpected call came.
“Crosbie, Ryan is in the hospital. He is in coma.” his father, almost out of breath as he was finishing his sentence.
I gasped. “W-what happened?!”
“A car hit him while he was crossing the street. Witnesses said he wasn't paying attention.”
That time, I didn’t know what I should feel. All I know was that I have to see Ryan and make things up. I ended up my work contract and went straight to where he was. By the time I set foot in his room, my heart thumped quickly on my chest like a beast heaved in a cage. I noticed him lying there with bandages all over his body. I felt sorry for him. And at the same time, I blamed myself for being too egoistic.
“Crosbie.” the voice was too fragile. “He made this for you.”
Her mom gave me a faded notebook. Its cover was blank, and only the dusts covering it were evident. All those feelings and memories slowly came back into my mind. I opened it and started reading the first page. My tears started falling.
I miss you so bad. I’m sorry if I didn’t make an effort to see you for the last time. I was just too sad to know that you would be leaving. I can’t wait to see you soon. I’m also sorry that it took a long time before you read this. I didn’t know your address there and I had to look for your relatives to know where you are. And about the email thing? I tried to email you back but our computer is really messed up; I ought to get the fix some time so I could email you. I’m really sorry if you thought that I don’t care about you, I do. I really do. I love you since the first day we met. I was only too scared to confess because it might ruin our friendship and that I think that you only think of me as a brother. Please fill the pages of this book. If I would be gone, I hope I could still know what you are up to. I love you Crosbie. I love you with all my heart and I’m sacrificing everything just to be with you.