Urinal Cakes All the Way Down

Captain Rescue was at wit’s end. Assuming his wits had an end, or that they even existed in the first place. Two weeks had passed since his decision to make fighting crime a full-time gig. He had searched diligently but fruitlessly for a spot to establish his heroic headquarters. He needed a break. He needed the Longview Urinal Cake Factory. They even offered free tours. And free tours meant free cake. Captain Rescue loved cake. But who didn’t? Pie Nazis, that’s who. As far as he was concerned, those people were evil incarnate.

Captain Rescue gazed up at the factory’s glowing neon sign, ready to dive in. In order to blend in with the public, he had donned the perfect disguise. His Captain Rescue t-shirt showed proudly. His Captain Rescue fanny pack sat strapped to his waist. And his Captain Rescue socks finalized the message. No way was this man Captain Rescue. And thus he could spread his heroic influence with no one the wiser. He could—for a brief, cake-infused moment—forget his crime fighting endeavors and enjoy the city he so bravely protected.

He pushed through the double doors and entered the foyer. There, a receptionist displayed her sparkling white teeth. Teeth white enough to eat off. As he approached the desk, he wondered why anyone would want to eat off teeth.

“Hello there,” the receptionist said. “I see you like Captain Rescue, too!”

“Oh yes,” he said, trying to sound as inconspicuous as possible. “I’m his number one fan.”

She giggled. “Are you here for the tour?”

Captain Rescue nodded.

“Excellent! Just sign the guestbook and we’ll get you started.”

He jotted down his most commonly used alias: Reginald Lollygagger.

The reception glanced down. “Interesting name. Where are you from, Reginald?”

He panicked. “Uh… the UK!”

“Wow. Where’s your accent?”

Captain Rescue’s panic intensified. “I… uh… hide it to blend in.”

“Oh, cool! Say something with an English accent.”

“Howdy partner!” he blurted out in the thickest southern drawl imaginable. It was the first accent to pop into his head, and the wrong one.

The receptionist’s face went momentarily blank, then she laughed. “You’re a funny guy, Reginald.”

Captain Rescue smiled. He had once again put his heroic prowess to good use.

She pointed at the closed doors across from them, which lead into the nearby hallway. “Are you ready for the tour?”

He glanced around. “Just me?”

The young receptionist nodded. “We don’t get many visitors. This is a urinal cake factory, after all.”

Just then, the front doors opened, and Captain Rescue whirled around, instinctively switching to hero mode. Evil did lurk around every corner. Instead of evil, however, a young man barged through the doors. He eyed the hero’s heroic t-shirt from under his greasy, matted hair and snickered.

“Captain Rescue?” he scoffed. “That caped guy that’s been running around these last few weeks?”

Captain Rescue nodded excitedly. “It sure is. I’m his biggest fan!”

“He’s a loser. He’ll get himself killed before the end of the year.”

“No way! Captain Rescue’s the real deal!”

His new arch-nemesis laughed. “Then you’re just as deluded as he is!”

The receptionist cleared her throat. “You’ll have to excuse Carl. He’s… uh… he’s… he’s creepy.”