My Rapist My Husband

16th june 2018

I was raped.

When i write those words they feel wrong. They feel confused and unbelievable, but when i take the facts of that night in and think about some pasted nights/years i think those words are true, whether I'll ever fully accept them to myself? I at least need to say them so that i can heal and process possibly forgive?

Marital rape, often unheard of because it is often not spoken about weather shame, denial, confusion, a misunderstanding, enjoying it because you love that other person, it is rape and needs to be known more then women think.

So i am here to tell you that my husband has raped me, sexually assulted me and i still lay in bed with him everynight and go on like nothing has happened he treats me not any less kind or unkind it is like it was something done and forgotten to him already and its been three days.(but i cannot forget)

It started out that one of our kids was away at a sleepover and the other was asleep with us at home. We were having a fantastic night drinking laughing, playing a sex game on the ipad to which turned into sex. Now for this part i blame myself a lot and maybe many women do but we started to have sex consensual great sex he would tell me how sexy i was how much he loved me. Then it got to him saying tell me your a little slut now i always hate saying this but i know he likes it so i say it. Ive told him no before and that i dont like it but he begs and i gave in to where sometimes i did find myself enjoying it. I would do a lot of things in bed that pleased him and found i didnt get much back in return, so why did i do this preasure? Love? Wanting to make him happy and pleased with me? It is a weak way to think but yet it was what i do.
That night he had full control i a lot played the submissive role and him the dominant role, we enjoyed it but it went too far. He started to cover my mouth, then choke me so i pulled away and he grabbed tighter. I couldnt say anything or move so i let it just happen. Then he asked me to give him oral so i did he kept deep throating himself inside my mouth which i kept refusing, then as he was annoyed he yelled to lean over the couch as he sodemised me when i yelled in pain he pushed me down further, when i yelled "stop, no",  he turned me around to force himself in my mouth again but this time i wasnt letting him. I was crying in pain and constantly repeating "stop no what are you doing?" He yelled "fuck" and walked away whilst i cried on the lounge. He came back to tell me he was so sorry and dont know what he was thinking or how he lost control like that.. then went further onto say id never given him that much control before and he got carried away once again saying how sorry he was and forcing me to cuddle him and forgive him.
I was in shock. I was confused and i left to go outside for fresh air, i didnt know what to do or think but listen to him and he's numerous apolgies.

I went to bed just wanting to forget and sleep it off but once in bed he made me cuddle him which i did not want to do but i did it not wantin to upset him as i layed there i couldn't believe what had happened this was my husband the person i was meant to feel safe and most of all loved by but i keep telling myself how can someone love you and have no respect for you? How can they do something like that? As time went by i pretended to be asleep hoping he would fall asleep so that i could get away from him, but when he thought i was asleep thats when it got worse.

He started taking my clothes off slowly as if not to wake me, i pretened to stir and he stopped but soon would continue so i repeated this action for awhile. He then undressed himself and placed my hand on himself making me feel him, then once that was over he started to finger me, i layed there still un moving pretending to sleep pretending it wasnt happening. How could it be happening after what he just did?! Then he got on top of me penetrating me. Inside my head i thought ill lay here until hes done. My reasons were that i dont want to say no out loud and then be forced and feel worse but as he was raping me he then tryed to put it in my arse which i pretended to wake to and said no stop. What are you doing? His plending then began like shh go to sleep, im so horny please on repeat i heard this i pushed him off and said stop no im drunk im exhuasted please stop, he put it inside of me again where it wpuldnt hurt and kept going as i pleaded no and was too exhausted to fight him. As i began to not be able to handle it anymore i said again stop no and tryed to move away he said sorry and stopped, weather he was finished or not i dont know i went to sleep further upset.

But when morning came i was so confused and annoyed at everything i decided to have sex with him hoping that i could wash away and undo everything that was done by making love. Because i do love this man and still do but i also have so much hate for him! why did i again have sex with him? why do i still want to have sex with him and dont want to? Why do i now feel so terrified of him but still want to be wrappes in his arms? I feel so hurt and used and unloved and at the same time i can forgive him with every sorry and with every sorry i cant.

Will he do it again ? He says he wont . Do i believe it? Well i have to dont i where would i go what would i do ? I have two of his kids and my heart hurts already how much more could it bare?

This is why marital rape is not talked about. It is confusing shamefull embarrassing destroying of a family. Why do men treat women this way?