Lost With You

Chapter Eleven

The hectic days which have kept me up past the early mornings where the sun hid its light from us drove me into sleep deprivation. There were even mornings which greeted me with a headache and the weirdest sleeping positions. I didn't even end up on the bed that one time I was attempting to study the science topics tested.
    Yes, the reason why I had to sacrifice the peaceful hours of the night was because of the sudden tests that my teachers had surprised my classes with. It was very last minute as well. Apparently, the teachers had high hopes for all of us, but I was definitely going to prove them wrong. I had no confidence regarding most of my subjects. Sure, I had subjects which I was shockingly good at but I wouldn't be baffled at the giant F clinging to the corner of a test paper.
    Just today, which thankfully happened to be the last day of all my tests, I took History and English. Instead of the usual headache to completely ruin my day, I ended up receiving a migraine at the end of lessons—which was undoubtedly way worse than a mere aching which harassed my brain endlessly in the past consecutive days.
    I didn't even need to shoot a glance at my phone to know that the repetitive statement "You can go ahead first," from Jonathan would glare back at me. I would actually appreciate avoiding to look at the blaring screen for once. It would only threaten my eyes to shut or for my fingers to instantly click on the power button. It definitely wouldn't have eased my migraine either. It would only encourage the pain to grow stronger.
    My plan was to get home as soon as possible, get painkillers and sleep—and if I found out I had any stray pieces of homework crumbled beneath all the books in my bag due the following day, I could only give an overused reason. Sadly, there wasn't a dog at home who could consume my assignment for me, so that cliché my-dog-ate-my-homework excuse wouldn't work. If anything, I would only get embarrassment out of that for using such an immature lie to escape any form of trouble.
    For the past days after lessons, I would habitually pull the wires of my earbuds out of its cozy warmth in my pocket. With or without the annoying pressure stuck to one side of my head, I wouldn't resist the flow of rhythm in my head. But that wasn't the case today. The throbbing pain rose higher and higher into a never-ending height of discomfort. A pulsing sensation, not from the beats of songs, accompanied the waves of affliction, intensifying the slight dizziness.
    I made a mental note to myself to bring painkillers to school if I was going to have an exam the following day. Of course, I couldn't be too greedy with the pills and take them every single day. Like Dad who told the young middle school me, I should only ingest one if I literally felt like my head was going to split. An example would be now, and since it wasn't just going to magically appear in my bag, I was bringing myself to it.
    I didn't have the energy to run since I was completely fatigued. The remaining stamina which I thought my body was conserving left my system. If I had to describe it, it would seem that every invisible footprint I abandoned each time I lifted my foot snatched it away selfishly. I was just trying to hail a taxi out of the hundreds of vehicles passing by me. Some were occupied, some ignored and only one of them took notice.
    In the end, I managed to get home after about 15 minutes or so. It took me 10 minutes to successfully hail a ride and the remaining 5 minutes to get home.
    The taxi driver was nice enough to ask me if I was all right before I entered during the ride and even told me to take care of myself. He even let me off for not being able to pay up the total amount (since I was short on cash and only found out after reaching the destination). I could only thank him, knowing that the appreciation and recognition he deserved for his benevolence was much more than just a basic "thank you".
    I would have drifted off to a deep sleep if Dad hadn't frightened my accidental slumber by calling me to check up on me. The moment I had greeted him, he had had no interest in returning a simple hello but to ask me if I was feeling okay. I didn't want to waste his time on the phone, honestly. I could have just lied to him, saying that I had just finished taking a nap at home. However, knowing him, just one word from my mouth could instantly be evidence that I was fabricating the truth. So, I'd told him everything—from staying up late almost every day this week to study for tests to having a headache consistently without fail.
    Of course, I had gotten a scolding from Dad afterward, but he didn't sound as upset as I'd thought he would be over the phone. After letting out a sigh once he'd finished reprimanding me, he'd then revealed that the painkillers were finished just yesterday. As the good-natured man he was though he might not seem it, he'd promised to get some on the way home from a pharmacy. I'd muttered a curse beneath my breath after my thumb had hovered above the red button to dismiss the call entirely.
    Seemed like the only option was to take a nap and hope it would be gone when I face the light on the ceiling again. There were times where it was successful, and minority of my endeavors were failures. However, no matter the end result, I discovered that it would get a tad bit better anyway. So, I wasn't totally misspending my time in darkness. Another benefit was that it could clear many unhelpful and negative thoughts—as if a vacuum cleaner had sucked it up, lacking in hesitation to leave any behind. Or, a better way to put it would be that the darkness would have swallowed up everything temporarily and spat it back out at the randomest of times.
    I groaned as I dropped the key the moment I took it out. Just how tired was I that I wasn't able to function properly? What, has the imaginary gears in my brain clogged up? I sighed and cursed out loud, bending down to retrieve the fallen piece of metal. Now I understood why Jonathan could get so worked up easily whenever he was worn out. I wasn't one to get upset and yet . . . I didn't even know what the main cause of this was. Stress? Tests? Jonathan himself? I'd like to convince myself that the last option hadn't popped up.
    In this debilitated state, sleeping for the whole day without having to worry about games seemed easily achievable.
    After my entry, I nudged the door with a gentle kick to close it. I reached my hand over to the lock, my fingers trembling weakly. As I was about to twist the lock, my mind failed to process the quick moment of the door which swung back at me for an incoming attack. Undoubtedly, I was hit and I was down on my knees the next moment, hand over my nose and eyes clenched shut in pain.
    Great. First, a terrible migraine, and now, the door slammed into my face. What kind of luck was this? The misfortune today was so overwhelmingly horrible. I was already feeling miserable enough with the pain I had to endure. Heck, I even pitied myself for having to go through this.
    "Oh, crap, Jeremy, are you okay?" a voice that I was so used to, filled with extreme concern and remorse, came from above me.
    I kept silent and stood up gradually after a long pause. I didn't have to make eye contact to know that it was Jonathan. Who else would it be?
    "I-I'm fine," I grumbled beneath my hand, muffling my words. I didn't feel any liquid trickling down my nose to mix with my sweat, so I wasn't bleeding. The strong and sudden impact which surprised me to my knees made it feel like it was enough to let blood escape. Without needing to glance at a mirror, I was absolutely certain that my nose had turned bright red.
    "Oh dear . . . Are you all right?"
    A girl's gentle voice carried through my eardrums, sending strange chills down my spine. I didn't know this woman—I've never heard this person's voice before until now. I tilted my head slowly, alarmed by the loud pounding of my heart with every inch of movement. I was scared of who my eyes would reveal, and I had a hunch on who this person would be.
    First, dark brown hair which were styled in beautiful waves entered my field of vision. I already regretted even looking up to meet a pretty face with a matching smile. She had glasses which contributed to her attractiveness and she looked nowhere near nerdy. Her soft hand reached forward as a caring gesture toward my first appearance.
    My brain instructed clearly to take her hand but none of my hands budged or inched closer to her polished finger tips. I pushed myself up hesitantly before giving her a rather forced smile which one could easily tell.
    Seeing her hand retreat back, I opened my mouth. "Thanks, but I'm fine. It's cool." I had never felt such deficiency of compliance to say these words toward anyone before. Though my feet glued to the floor obediently, its goal was to retreat back to the safety zone of my room immediately.
    "This is Natalie, by the way. She's my partner for the project," Jonathan smiled.
    My mouth formed an "o" shape, as if to speak the word "oh" as a form of thoughtless reply. I didn't even manage to greet Natalie properly before a wave of pain rushed to the side of my head. I cursed unintentionally, forgetting that I had two witnesses in front of me. I held my head and grimaced, retrieving unwanted looks of worry at my way.
    "Sorry," I managed to squeeze out an apology before either of them had a chance at one word. "I'm going to my room to rest. All the best."
    "Oh," Jonathan paused. "Thanks, Jeremy. I'll check up on you when we're done, okay? Hope you feel better soon, bud!"
    "Thanks," I said, dipping my head down in a single nod. I lifted my hand to wave back at them, but again, it didn't come off as an amiable but rather impudent gesture, as if my hand was signalling them to go away. My feet finally moved in the satisfactory freedom they had at last.
    Their uninteresting speech behind me became soft and deadened. Their once clear words became distorted and my mind could only comprehend the messy doodling of words which my ears could have caught. Their continuous flow of conversation died down as I walked further up the stairs and directed myself to my room.
    I dumped my bag on the ground unconsciously only to mumble another vulgarity beneath my breath when I realized it too late. I kicked my sneakers off in annoyance, even letting one roll off under the bed. I dropped my upper body down, landing my head perfectly onto the comfortable softness of the pillow. I splayed my arms and legs apart like a starfish staring at the clear surface of the ocean which happened to be what I pictured my ceiling to be.
    I heaved a sigh and threw away the visibly increasing pessimism in my head. Forgetting about my phone snuggled up in the pocket of my pants, I slowly closed my eyes. Everywhere I looked was now sombre and imaginations could now come alive temporarily. However, I was feeling troubled and something constantly bothered me. I was no longer that tired, not after knowing that Jonathan had invited Natalie over without even saying anything to me.
    Having the awareness that they were here somewhere outside these four walls unsettled me even though I knew that they were just working on their prolonged project. Images of them just getting along and laughing together poked my brain. Was I really that lonely? Did I want to have fun that much?
    All I could do was dwell in my thoughts in the black surroundings which consumed my vision. I pondered and pondered for the period while I was still mentally conscious. It didn't take long before reaching the final conclusion to know that both questions were irrelevant. Again, I didn't want to admit to the real reason why I felt so troubled. I was trying to convince myself once more that, just maybe, there was something else other than the girl who was now commonly seen by Jonathan's side. Instead of other friends who I could've hung out with, perturbation became my partner in the dark abyss.
    I opened my eyes to the footsteps passing by outside the room along with the mixture of laughter I had imagined. Jonathan's room was beside mine, so it was a given that they would be doing their school work in somewhere more cozy.
    I slid my hand down to the left side of my pants to pull out my phone hidden in its visible hiding spot. I switched it on immediately to check for any recent notifications, squinting my eyes in regret. A couple of messages flashed across the screen. A few from Dad and a few from Jonathan.
    Without a second thought, I opened Dad's messages first to check on what he wrote. It was sent about ten minutes ago. All his texts consisted of words of solicitude and advice on what to do to reduce the pain temporarily. I quickly typed out my reply and sent it to him, not wanting the risk having my rudeness pointed out.
    Instinctively afterward, I tapped on Jonathan's message sent some time ago before, specifically when Dad contacted me out of the blue. His text confounded me due to the fact that he actually stated that he would be bringing a friend over. There I was, thinking about how inconsiderate he was, even though it was very unlike him not to announce an important event.
    I sighed, laying my phone down on the bedside table with care only to accidentally lose my grip on it before it reached the surface, producing a thud. The enervating heat from outside influenced my vitality to drop even further as the sticky moisture clung to my skin.
    Since I didn't switch the fan on yet, the ceiling fan remained motionless and noiseless. I didn't want to get my feet on the ground but if I refused to do so, nothing else would provide the cool air I desired.
    Just as I swung my legs off the mattress, the door followed after. Jonathan stood in the doorway, fingers still gripped onto the door knob. He shot a slight smile before walking over. "How are you feeling so far? Better?"
    "Um, no?" I scoffed, suppressing my sarcastic tone. "I mean, do I look any better?"
    "You look worse," he commented sheepishly, feeling guilty for asking. "You're sweating, why didn't you switch the fan on?"
    He went ahead and did the following action for me before I could even answer. Instead of telling him unimportant information, my shoulders rose up in a shrug as my lips imitated the smile displayed on his face.
    "Thanks," I paused. "What are you doing here though? Aren't you supposed to work on your project with Natalie?"
    "Oh, she left. She said that she had to settle some urgent matters."
    Thank god were the only words which appeared in my mind as I lowered my head to hide my soundless sigh in relief. I only realized how at ease I was when the whisper of thought slipped away soon after it emerged from its hidden spot. And now, the reason was out and clear.
    Natalie was the cause of my dismay. The advent of her dispirited me.
    Of course, I was still searching for a full answer. Feeling this way just because a certain girl made her entrance into Jonathan's life was outrageous. Alarm bells weren't ringing in my head when I met Jonathan's group, nor did stupefaction trample my ability to think or be logical with how I felt.
    I came to a solution.
    If my emotions continued to act up around her this way, maybe I could approach someone from Jonathan's friend circle about it. Faith seemed to be the most reliable since she was the only one who shared a few classes with me.
    "Couldn't sleep?" Jonathan asked, doing a vanishing act on my thoughts.
    "For some reason," I gave an awkward chuckle, trying not to add anything else to hint something.
    "Pfft, what do you want me to do? Sing you a lullaby?"
    "I'd like to see you try."
    "Nah. If anything, it'll make you explode."
    "I really wanted to hear you sing though."
    Just having our usual conversation made me feel happy, and it even lightened the mood. I wasn't feeling grumpy anymore (though my head still hurt) and I was able to fall asleep when Jonathan left me to rest.
    Today wasn't that bad at all.