The Curious Case of the Two Dirk Gentlys

1: The Phone Call

The loch ness monster proved to be a disappointment. That was the lesson Todd took away from their latest case. It had started with a sighting of the legendary Scottish creature vacationing in the Mississippi and ended with the divorce of two high profile politicians. The case itself was their usual brand of insanity. The suspected sighting however turned out to be a rather lost and distressed giraffe who'd wandered into the muddy river. It had since been returned to its rightful owner and Todd's monster bucket list remained incomplete.

Life within the agency was going great. Two whole months had passed since Wendimoor and absolutely nobody had tried to murder them. They had their office, they had each other, and for the first time in a very long time they even had disposable income. Life was good. They'd listened to the universe and at last the universe was rewarding them.

"Dirk, do you want me to file this under complete animal cases or complete family cases?" Todd called above the noise of the ringing phone. People had such a rude habit of trying to contact him at the most inconvenient times. He could have nothing to do for hours and they'd be complete silence, yet the moment he tried to work the little red landline would ring in protest.

"Animal." Dirk called back from the next room. He was distracted; already on the hunt for a new case. Newspapers were stacked from floor to ceiling, some brought, some borrowed, none containing anything of interest.

"But the affair was the majority of the case." Todd protested.

"But the giffare was the trigger event. The trigger event is always the most significant, Todd." Dirk clarified with a momentary glance up from his latest newspaper. Todd knew he probably wasn't reading it, not properly. Dirk's new glasses meant that he could at least see the black and white pages but that didn't mean he was paying any attention. The average article had about a paragraph to catch his attention. After that he glaced over and day dreamed for the socially acceptable amount of time. "Can you get that please?"

"What? Oh the phone." Todd had almost drowned it out. He dived towards it and placed it against his ear before he could straighten himself out again. "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. Cases solved with arguable efficiency."

"Dirk? Finally, I've been trying to get hold of you for hours. Did you change your slogan?" The voice of a Scottish man crackled on the other end of the line. The first thing Todd noticed wasn't the accent, it was the static. He was used to hearing static just like it from long distant calls with Amanda. It was never normally so strong though. How far was this man calling from? Not all the way from Scotland surely.

"No. That's been our slogan for the last two months." Todd replied, ignoring the static, ignoring the familiarity that the man addressed him with.

"I like it. Short, precise. Not to mention considerably more accurate." The man complemented. "Anyway I know you've been looking for a new case."

"Todd, look at this." Dirk shouted excitedly. He must have found an article that interested him. Then came a loud and distressing squawk that cut straight through the thin walls. Perhaps it was a little more urgent than an article.

"I'm sorry could you hold on for a few seconds?" Todd asked the man, though he didn't wait for a reply. He cupped his hand over the receiver and turned his attention to Dirk. "What's going on?"

He saw it way before he saw Dirk: a large bald eagle perched on his best friends right arm. Its talans tore straight through his jacket and into his skin. Dirk didn't seem to react. In fact he was smiling. Either he was so excited he couldn't feel it or he simply didn't care.

"Our last client has left us a gift." Dirk grinned.

"A gift?" Todd spotted a pink tag hanging from the bird's leg. He sighed. A simple box of chocolate or some flowers would suffice. "Dirk we can't keep the eagle."

"Well we can't send it back." Dirk argued. "There's no receipt."

"We can call animal control once I've finished with this client." Todd told him before returning to his call.

"Fine. Fine." He muttered. He left the room calmly, taking the staring eagle out with him.

"Sorry about that." Todd apologised.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, this case. I've got this friend, Victoria. Nice lady, little odd. Recently she's noticed things in her house disappearing. First pens, cutlery, bits and bobs you can leave around. Now thouhh it's getting ridiculous. Yesterday her television went. Televisions aren't exactly easy to misplace." The Scottish man explained.

"It still sounds a little basic. Maybe it's just...a really slow burglary." Shrugged Todd. His attention was far too focused on Dirk's new pet to care much about the stranger.

"That's the thing. All of these things disappeared while she or someone close her was in the house. They'll turn around and 'puff' gone." The man continued with a surprising amount of calm. The case of the vanishing appliances (a working title) didn't seem to phase him at all.

"Okay now that's interesting." Todd nodded.

"I knew you'd like it." The man proudly announced.

"If we could just get a full name and address-" Todd's train of thought was interrupted by a vile screech and an all too familar yell. Clearly the eagle had become bored and, having realised that digging into Dirk's arm wasn't gaining any attention, had opted to make a more dramatic scene.

"Todd, help." Cried Dirk as he tried to swat the vicious creature away from his face.

"I'm sorry is this case an emergency?" Asked Todd.

"Well...not really no." The man replied.

"Call back in an hour." Todd told him before slamming the phone down. He sprinted out of the office, emergency broom in hand, and engaged in battle with the enraged bird. He knew they should to make the old saying a rule, 'never work with children or animals'.