Loner Dairy

background

        So I have a disease called maladaptive daydreaming. It's basically where you are in another reality world of your imagination. Sort of what you do with imagination when your a child. Expect it's a whole lot more detail. It's what your brain does to heal it's self from stress, and everything bad basically. It's like a protective force your brain pulls when it's scared, to keep you from killing yourself withstress, depression,etc. Isn't that sweet?

       Not for me. You get this disease by your past trauma, most of the time. I didn't have a life threatening disaster happen in my childhood life. I just had a bad childhood. I guess that's why my brain went into shock mode. I was always lonely. By lonely, I mean my parents never let me do anything. There is a difference between your parents not letting you do anything, and your parents being strict.

        My family is religious, but that's not an excuse for me not to play outside. I am also Ethiopian, but that's not an excuse either.  I saw the other Ethiopian religious families have the best time I of their life. They would always go places, go to their friends house, have family nights. I didn't learn how to bike until I was 12, by teaching my own self that is.  And the ONLY reason why I have a bike is because I won it myself at a rifle contest. My parents would have never bought me a bike because they were more worried about my leg breaking and having to pay for bills than my childhood memories. I don't know how to swim. I have never learned how to swim, even though I tell my parents to take me to swimming classes every single summer.

        I have never been to Elitches, or a carnival, or on a single roller coaster. Heck, I have never been on a ride in my life. I never learned how to skate. I have never been to a sleep over. I never went to the zoo. Aquarium, birthday parties, movie theater, nothing. I have never been to a skating rink like skate city or something. When I was a kid, I used to cry about this. I never had any friends because I didn't know how to have fun. For a child, akid at the age of 8. For a child to not know what fun is, that hurts. I would see all the other Ethiopian families go out and have fun. I just wanted so bad. I would come home from school and cry, telling my mom that I was worthless, and no one wanted to be my friend. My mom was good. It's just my dad. My mom couldn't do anything about my situation because my dad was the one in charge. He didn't care about me and my brother.

        You see, my brother was different. He didn't care about this as much as I did because he had friends. Tons of friends, and was beloved by everyone at school. He got invited to birthday parties, and would go to his friends house where he went to skate city, went to jump line, went on a trampoline, went to the pool, ate whatever he wanted, and basically did things that I couldn't do. Because I was a girl. I would see all the other kids talking about how fun their weekend was, while I remembered what I did over the weekend. I cleaned, I helped my mom cook, and that's it. Starting at the age of 8.

         I'm Ethiopian, so of course my family would have injera. But that's all we had. I used to get mad about this so much back then. It drove me crazy. Why don't my parents buy icecream? Why can't they fir once in my life, bring some fast food? I did not understand what their problem was with American food. It just made no sense. All the brought from the store was eggs, milk, toast (whole fucking  wheat, not even normal toast) pasta, and onions. If I was "Lukcy" they would bring some orange juice. Did you hear that? They think bring some orange juice is lucky.

       I never understood why though. I wasn't allowed to do anything. I didn't know how to make friends. Couldn't eat what I wanted to eat. I never went ANYWHERE.