I Told You to Mean It

Can I ask you something?

When did you stop loving me?

You've been lying to me for a long time.

Remember that night in your car. We had just had the best date. It was such a great night. We were driving back home. I was resting my head on your chest. You were driving with your left hand and you had your heavy right arm wrapped around my waist. You would tilt your head and rest it on top of mine while I was leaned into you. It was our perfect position to be in when driving in the car. That date was the day that I knew you were going to tell me that you loved me for the first time. All day while we were together you did not say it once. But I was patient because I was certain. I figured you were waiting for the exact right time. So, as we drove home we talked and laughed and then we got into our position. The radio volume was low and I could hear the A/C blowing. It was quiet to me though. I was waiting. Then finally you came out with it. You said it. You projected "Babe. I love you." After hearing those words, my chest become warm and my breathing changed. Finally. I could hear the feeling behind it. It was genuine. I had not said anything yet because before I could get a word out you were talking again. You said, "I know I love you because I see a future with you. I see you as this beautiful mother. I see you taking care of our kids. I see me taking care of you. Every time I am with you I am happy. Like I noticed every time we are next to each other we laugh. It is just amazing. I hate to bring this up right now but I mean I have dated a few girls but. . .when I am with you I forget about them. I do not want anyone else. Ever. And that is how I know. I love you."

I wanted to cry right there but I swallowed the lump in my throat because in that moment I knew that if I did I would look ridiculous. And I did not want to come off dramatic to you. It is funny that I say this all right now because in that moment I should have realized that it would have been okay to cry in front of you. You had accepted me. You rubbed my arm and waited for my response. I took a deep breath.

"I love you too. I love you so much. You make me incredibly happy. I just want to ask you a favor. Just promise me something." I felt you nod your head above me. "Promise me that for every single time that you tell me you love me, you mean it. And I am serious. I don't ever want you to feel obligated to say it or feel like you have to. I want you to say it to me because you feel it and because you want to. If you are mad at me, do not say you love me just because you think I am waiting for it. You say it because you know in your heart that you love me even though you are upset with me. Baby, should there ever come a day that you stop loving me, tell me. Just tell me that you don't love me anymore. I can take the truth. I do not want to be lied to you. I will never lie to you, because just know that when I tell you I love you, baby I am going to mean it every single time."

You assured me that you would never stop loving me.

And so that is why I ask you this now. At what point in our time together did you stop loving me? Maybe I if I could pin point or calculate where things started to fade for us, I could finally understand why you stopped loving me. I mean, I gave you specific directions. I said to mean it when you say it. Because now, I am thinking about those late nights when you finally would give me your time of day, I would listen to the way you would say it. "I love you" became "love you" which turned into "you too." Eventually you just stopped saying it unless I somehow reminded you. Don't you remember how I would say it? Sometimes I would shriek with joy and say it, other times I would whisper it to you. In the pitch black when I was crying I would gather all the strength I needed in my voice to croak it to you. I mean, it never mattered what state I was in, I made sure "I love you" always had value behind it. With you, after a while, it sounded like it was just a hassle to you.

So, when?

When did you stop?

You know. . . maybe I do not need to know. It's just that when I think about it, I must have looked like a puppy to you. Always loving you, always waiting for you to come back to me. You must have known that it didn't matter what you did in a day, you could always assume that I would still be standing behind the door waiting for you to come home. It was true. Ten minutes of you made my 23 hours and 50 minutes without you all worth it. Just so long as I got that "I love you" before the day ended I was content.

Unless you never stopped.

But you did.