The Fourth Fall (Sequel to Boy In My Class) Gerard Way

Chapter 12: Think Happy Thoughts

"Gerard?" I called, my voice shaking. He didn't answer. I pulled up my jeans and walked back into the bedroom just as Gerard came into the room.

"Gerard I think we need to go to the hospital," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. 

"Are you okay, what's wrong?" he said, dropping the food he was holding and coming over to embrace me in a hug.

"I think something's wrong with the baby," I responded.

*

I woke up in a hot sweat, finding myself out of breath. I tried to catch my breath and stumbled out of bed, rushing for the kitchen and out of the back door to get some fresh air. I was having a panic attack based upon the dream I had just been immersed in. I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating but I was well aware that I was sweating an unnatural amount, and my body was red hot despite the fact that it must have been -10 outside. I felt Gerard's arms grip onto my shoulder and I turned around to see him looking at me, concern in his eyes.

"I, I, I had a dr-" I tried to say, but he gently shushed me and encouraged me to breathe deeply until I began to calm down and my heartbeat slowed back down to a normal pace.

"It was just a dream," he said comfortingly, as he took me back inside and began to boil the kettle. "Don't worry."

"It wasn't a dream," I sighed. "It was a memory."

*

"Isabel, I've done an ultrasound and checked everything thoroughly and I'm really sorry but you aren't pregnant."

"W-what?" I stuttered.

"You're not pregnant," he said. "You've had a miscarriage."

*

I shot upright again, gasping for air. I felt as if I was about to suffocate, and I couldn't for the life of me get any air into my lungs. Gerard woke up beside me and began to try and talk me down, gently rubbing on my back and whispering comforting words in my ears, but it took at least twenty minutes for him to calm me down completely.

"Gerard, I keep having these vivid dreams," I sobbed. "They're just flashbacks of..."

"I know what they're flashback of," he said, looking helpless and hurt. "Izzy, what happened to us in the past was neither of our faults, and for that you think it's going to happen again because your body just doesn't agree with being pregnant or something. But that's not true."

"How do you know?" I sniffed.

"We weren't prepared then, we were scared, and it wasn't our time. I never wanted it to happen, and it took me years to get over it. I still think about how old our baby would be now, what we would have called them, what they'd look like. You and I never talked about that baby again, and our relationship suffered. I know for a fact that the miscarriage was one of the reasons that you didn't want to have children with me. You might not have even realized that this was the reason why, but I knew it. I just didn't say anything because it's not my place to assume why you don't want to have children."

Everything that Gerard said made sense. It was partly irrelevant, working out why I didn't want to have children, because I knew in this moment that I wanted to have a child with Gerard. However, I just wasn't convinced that everything was going to be fine.

"The more you worry, the more problems that there could be," Gerard said. "I like to think that positive thinking equals positive outcomes, and that's why we have to think positively about this pregnancy. Tomorrow we'll go to the doctor and get everything checked out, how's that?"