Apocalypse - Casper

Apocalypse - Casper 1

Emotion

My whole life has always been one giant train wreck. Over time I fell in love with this wild, crazy, dangerous train wreck of an existence. Each year was the same. Hating the day I was born and hating everyday that followed. People feared me and I hated it, they saw me as the scary creature you feared hid under your bed or in the closet, a child clinging to the blankets hoping that if you closed your eyes it would go away. I wasn't big and scary, I didn't have sharp teeth or horns, my eyes weren't glowing red and I didn't creep around at night. This wasn't why I was here, I was put on this earth with a purpose. I had hoped it was something simple, cliche and maybe even stupid. Nothing is simple, the world is fucked up and full of chaos; literally anything but simple. Everyone is blinded by tvs, glamour and desires to be rich, stupid human bullshit. We wasted so much time fighting each other over the most ridiculous things. Dysfunctional creatures... we were made for more than scrolling through newsfeeds and sitting at desks rotting away. Some choose to live life and some want to but just don't. We aren't beautifully imperfects, we're mistakes, terrible, awful mistakes. Constantly doing the wrong things, hurting the people we love and being kind to those we hate. We are all bugs, and the people playing are screwed up psychopaths who enjoy putting us under magnifying glass and watching us squirm as they rip off all our legs. They like it when we all fight to the death, or make stupid mistakes in the attempt to win. Only we never win, they do. The only thing we do is destroy this gift we were given. I wish I would have done more, chosen to be happier with my life. Fought more, loved more, lived more. I've made mistakes but so has everyone else. I wish I wouldn't have been like everyone else. I wish I was better. Stronger. Smarter. I can wish for everything but it won't matter. It's too late. I was always late to everything. I wish I hadn't been. I wish I would have tried to show people that I wasn't some hideous creature with horns and scales. I wish I wouldn't have fallen victim to self fulfilling prophesy. I could have tried to be a good person and change the image I was plastered with ever since I was little and didn't get know how to control my anger or any emotion for that matter. I hid away all my sadness and covered it up with hate fueled fuck ups. I pushed kids who were mean to me down slides and laughed when they had to be carried to the nurse bleeding and crying. I wanted to be tough, a voice in my head told me that if I wasn't I might as well kill myself. I wish I would have let myself be soft sometimes, to allow love and affection to pass through my force field. I wish I would have allowed myself to get close to people. My foster parents think I hate them and I did nothing to change that. Every kid in my school thinks I'm some psycho killer who is one mean comment away from blowing up the entire building and laughing as it burns to the ground with everyone in it. In elementary school I would hurt kids who said bad things about me, one kid asked me what it was like to have foster parents and I was so embarrassed that he knew I broke his arm. That's when therapy started, instead of it helping me deal with my issues it only made me want to shove everything down farther until all my stomach acid ate my heart so that I couldn't feel all the pain. I wanted to cry so much but it always came out as screams and punches. There was one time that I cried in front of my therapist and instead of tears, droplets of blood ran down my face. I mistook her trying to help as her trying to attack me, I thought all the voices were right and I immediately went into defense mode and caused her serious injuries. I'd rather not say what I did, partly because I'm horrified by it and partly because I don't remember much of the actual event. Most of what I know of it is what other people told me. I get sick to my stomach when I feel the anger trying to come up to the surface. From that moment on I was a "problem child" I locked away from everyone. No one wanted to talk to me, in fear that they may end up like my therapist. I was stuck in therapy again and they decided that it may be best to put my a hospital for a little while until I get a better hold on my anger. Two years I sat in a white washed room with only the bare necessities, gross grey food three times a day. Men and women who all wore white suites and held clipboards, they constantly were writing things down but I was never sure what. The same sweet pathetic voice coming from all of their mouths. When I would get angry they would put me in a special room so that I couldn't hurt myself or anyone else. All kinds of therapy was tried, I sat on a small hard pale bed, until I ate or had free time. Everyone knew who I was, the other children looked at me like I was thing nightmares were made of. Nobody wanted to play with me or even be in the same room. Lots of kids complained that I bothered them, I ended up being even more secluded. My free time wasn't the same as everyone else's, I played alone, watched tv alone, ate alone, I was entirely and utterly all alone. A few months into the second year I came to enjoy being alone, I couldn't hurt anyone, there was no one to give me weird looks or whisper behind my back. I didn't have to hide, there was no one to hide from. All that stopped me from being happy was the memories of what I had done, I wanted them to go away, I wanted to break away from what I was. I was put through electro shock therapy. The first time nothing seemed to change but after the third time I began to forget the past. Not all has been forgotten but enough to the point where I was happy to look in the mirror. I didn't see the monster I was, or once was. Sometimes memories come back in shards and I remember I'm still the beast I was. When I left the hospital I tried to move past everything and be normal but I still found that I was cutting people out. I couldn't let anyone in and I could always see the hurt on their faces when they realized I would never be a normal child. I would never let someone love me. I grew weak as time went on, I let everyone step over me. Kids pushed me around and bullied me, but I never pushed back. I never stood up for myself or told anyone what was happening. Instead of hurting other people I would hurt myself, I would cut or burn or beat myself up. I'd rather feel pain then cause others to feel it. I would skip meals and refuse to take care of myself, I didn't care about myself. I hid my small broken frame under a large dark hoodie hoping nobody would notice me, I wanted to disappear into a crowd. I wish I had let myself stand out, I wish I wouldn't have hid from the world. I could have been better prepared for what was to come, I was made for something bigger than I could have ever imagined. The whole world was in for a big surprise, a huge smack on the face to everyone on earth. When everything is over and we are left to clean up the mess we were left with, I'm sure everyone will wish they would have lived more before so many of us had to die. Before the whole planet and everyone on it was left with a huge gaping gash that would heal but leave the worst scar to remind us of the mistakes we all had to come face-to-face with. The world might be cold, but as we are all rebuilding the life we once had we will all learn how cold the world really can be. If I would have known what I do now, right in this moment. I would have let my anger out a lot sooner than I did. Yes, my anger inevitably would be the thing to get me killed, but I died fighting for the right thing. Maybe if I had started fighting when everything had first started happening things would have gone differently. Maybe I could have saved more people. Maybe I could have saved the world, and me included.

- a small taste of the new version I've been working on. This is the intro. I hope you enjoy it.