Blurbs of my life

story one

I dated a person once. I loved them with all of my heart and tried to make them as happy as I could. They loved me back. They had a funny way of showing it but I knew that they loved me as much as I loved them. They knew how to make me smile. they knew how to make me laugh. Up until this point in my life, I rarely smiled let alone laughing. This person made me the happiest person alive. We shared many jokes and stories. Memories started to build up. we talked about the future if we stayed together, what we would do if we moved in together once we finished school. I truly was very happy.

As the days and months drew on, I started to notice the person i was dating was getting more and more distant from me. I knew this person has depression so I thought maybe they were just in a rough spot in their life. I tried to cheer them up but they kept pushing me away. Irritated, I started to become more clingy, Desperate for something to hold on to. The "i love you too's" became "yeah's" or "I know". 

I was confused. I started to feel like I made them mad. I wanted their attention. I wanted to love them but they didnt seem to want it. I still tried.

One day after a month of non-stop fights and arguments one text broke me. I had just told this person how much I loved them and how i was sorry for arguing. 

"Im sorry Sammy. I have black feelings* for you."

*[ not homestuck fans let me explain. the person i was dating used this thing called quadrants. There are four and this person filled my red quadrant. this is basically a boyfriend of girlfriend. When they said they felt black feeling for me essentially says that they hate me but they lowkey care. In a sense]

This text broke me. I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at them and tell them how much they had just hurt me but all i did was send "oh" and sob behind the screen of my phone. 

My depression got worse than it already was. The scars on my arm multiplied. I cried during lunch, math and band everyday for two weeks. I pushed my friends away and my family farther. I started to care less and less about my appearance. i stopped eating. I spent my weekends locked up in my room thinking about how much i wanted them back. How much I still cared about them.

 Eventually I grew angry. I was pissed that they would throw me away like they did. I didnt understand why they hated me. Every time I would see them I would throw on a fake smile and pretend that everything was okay between us  but i secretly wanted to wring their neck. A part of me still loved them to pieces. 

 A few months passed and we started to become friends again. Im beyond grateful that it happened. They now see me as a little brother and I see them as my older sibling. However, I still love them and never stopped loving them, even in my months of grief.  I just seem to be stuck in the past.