A Flame of Hopelessness

I held my fellow brothers hand as we gently paced through the street. Despite the intense amounts of anxiety vibrating off of the rest of the group I remained calm. In this moment of grief, the monastery joined as one to confidently whisper the words that our ancestors had spoken for millions of years.  We, the monks, were peaceful people but our hearts, although seemingly purified by years of self-purging, were still human. No one ever truly wanted to die, they just wanted better things. At this time though, we had no alternate options other than to deliver ourselves directly into the extended hands of nirvana.

              The monks and I were punished for a crime that in fact not a crime at all. Slowly we were exterminated. These rough times challenged our faith but now were going orchestrate a time of rebellion. No longer would Diem suppress and ultimately destroy our eternal peace. Now was our time to exemplify the horrible outcome of his ill-mannered actions. It was now time to pull courage from our fear and suffer for the greater-good, for in the end we would all reap profit from the ever growing amount of knowledge that it would produce.

              As I mentioned before, despite our myriad of courageous thoughts, we were still human so naturally fear tempted us to back down from the sacrificial protest. Our bodies may have been in relaxed stances but it was our souls that shook with a passionate anxiety. None of us wanted to die for any reason at all- that’s a given, but when the things that mean the most top us were compromised, our mind began to look upon the subject with softer eyes. This was the only way to preserve our dignity, morals and faith without compromise.

                  The sound of the other monks’ quiet chants rippled deep within my core. These were the people whom I wished to protect with my extreme act of selflessness and I swear I could not have chosen a more inordinate collection.  The space between the group and our spot swiftly dwindled as the number of troubled thoughts exponentially grew. As I looked around I saw the once peaceful faces of the monastery grow long with grief. In attempt to assuage such pointless misery I flashed a soft smile, letting warmth beam out of my eyes.

              Just then I heard a solider shout something I could not make out. The accents of the Vietminh were strange to my northern ears but I returned a gentle grin none the less.

              “Now,” I spoke to my people. My body lowered itself to the naked ground. The harsh road greedily caressed my soft backside as I was bathed in endless gallons of gasoline.  Many of the others turned to watch this strange act. Never before had anything of this caliber been executed in history, let alone on a public ground. The hot liquid ran down my nose canals as well as my throat while I softly pulled in my last few breathes of air. This did cause quite a bit of discomfort, seeing as the punitive fluid did nip my insides as it flowed downwards, but I knew it was nothing even close to what was to come.

              Millions of images flashed before my eyes just as I forever closed them to focus on the gas beading down the sides of my bald head. I thought of my family whom I had left behind in order to pursue the simple life of a monk. My little sister Pam’s face singed my heart like no flame ever could. True, I had chosen to leave, and true, the monastery had filled a void that nothing else could, but in its wake was a gaping hole that only my little sister could fill. I attributed this to the theory that no one could ever reach nirvana while living. Even though this knowledge didn’t provide much comfort, it at least dulled the raw nerve endings.

              I was suddenly pulled out of my trance by the gasps of monks and by-standers alike. The match had been lit. I knew this because the smoke curled around my nostrils, greedily kissing them with its fowl stench. Not even a second later did the first lick of fire stroke my body with its seductive embrace. The meditation I had previously done did nothing to sooth the screams the blistered inside my throat. To say I was in the purest form of agony would not suffice to describe the first caress, let alone the harmony of the entire being.

              Within moments I lost all consciousness. Everything grew dark as the physical pain dissolved into a soothing nothingness. Just before I gave into the beautiful numbness, I remember seeing Pam.