It's That 'I Hate You' Kind of Love

Chapter Thirty

**When you see ITIHYKOL that stand for It's That I Hate You Kind of Love**

I shut the door softly, hearing the faint click as Jay shut off his light inside. My heart was pounding like a jack hammer in concrete. I fell back against the door. When I closed my eyes all I could see was angry red scars imbedded in flesh.

A shiver ran down my arms, raising goosebumps.

Did anybody know about Jay?

How long has this been going on?

How was the beta getting away with this?

Where was Carson?

I needed to find him.

"He doesn't want to see you," I muttered to myself, biting my bottom lip at the painful thought. I'm an idiot. Isn't this above anything else? But what if Jay doesn't want anyone to know? Somebody should know. His best friend would know, and if Carson doesn't, Carson should.

What if Carson walks away the minute you find him though? You have no idea where he is anyway.

'You said sorry, what else is there to do? You did your best, just give up.'

Somehow I knew that nagging voice in the back of my head was wrong. No, I'm not going to give up. My mind wandered over to what I had said earlier, replaying the horrible words we had exchanged and the lies I had said to the future Alpha.

This time it was my fault.

I was going to fix it.

Then, I was going to help Jay.

I began to walk away, only to pause as I glanced at Jay's door and thought of how despite his awful demeanor, he was broken inside and pieced unevenly back together by his father's hatred. He was a jerk, but even I, a pea brained human, knew that he deserved better.

He didn't have to keep me company these last few days, he didn't have to deal with my shit, he didn't have to feed me and he didn't have to take care of me.

But he did.

I think I can finally understand why he is Carson's beta. Cold and cynical and hard as stone on the outside, but deep, deep inside there was something more.

"Thank you, Jay," I whispered.

I lingered for a long moment before I turned on my heel and walked down the stairs.

Trailing into the living room, I awkwardly looked around the room as if he was going to be there splayed behind the couch like a giggling kid playing hide and seek. "If I was the future alpha and I just had a gigantic fight with my human mate who is supposably 'hiding her feelings' and 'lying to him' where would I go?"

I walked into the kitchen, where to my surprise, I did not find Bethany or Gemma. In fact, as I passed the dining room, the small hallway to the beta's office, and returned to the living room, there was no one on the first floor but me.

"Carson?" I called awkwardly, "Carson we need to talk." As soon as the words came out, I winced and began to walk back up the stairs. "I mean, like, a different talk this time. Heart to heart?"

I sound like such an idiot. Thank god no one's around. I looked down the hallway, but something told me that He wasn't going to be there. What kind of hiding place is it to hide a few feet away from the seeker? Hesitating at the bottom of the second set of stairs, I made my way up towards the alpha's and Luna's bedroom floor.

Their room was gigantic. The bed could be fit for a king, no an emperor. I'm pretty sure it would take up most of Carson and my room. I couldn't help but sweep my eyes over the ornate furniture and the French doors leading out to the balcony.