Hearts, Clubs, and Diamonds

Chapter 1

"Puddin'? Did you hear what I said?"

The Joker grunted, staring intently at the giant fish tank opposite their table.

"I asked you why you insisted on a seafood restaurant for our Valentine's Day meal," repeated Harley Quinn. "You know I can't stand fish. I feel sick eating 'em, or just looking at 'em..."

"Well, don't look at 'em then, pooh," retorted Joker, keeping his eyes fixed on the tank behind her.

"I'm trying not to, but you keep staring at that tank," said Harley. "Doncha think it might be nice to stare at your girlfriend on Valentine's Day?"

"Why? It doesn't have to be Valentine's Day for me to stare at you," he retorted. "It's not every day I can look at fish, though. I can't get pet fish because you hate 'em, and I really love fish, so I'm gonna stare at 'em here."

"I didn't know you liked fish," said Harley, surprised. "I mean, there was that gag with the Joker fish, but I thought that was kinda a one-off..."

"No, I like fish," interrupted Joker. "Joker fish, piranhas in 'The Death of a Hundred Smiles,' fish are kinda a thing of mine. So just let me enjoy looking at 'em."

"But puddin', it's Valentine's Day," said Harley. "And I got this brand new dress and dolled myself all up, and you'd rather look at a buncha stupid fish than your gorgeous girlfriend?"

"I can stare at you anytime I wanna, not that I ever wanna," he snapped.

"Yeah, but it's not every day that I'm dressed like this..." began Harley.

"Look, just quit your whining, huh, Harley?" demanded Joker. "You're lucky I'm even out with you at a fancy restaurant tonight. I had plans, y'know, plans that I had to rearrange at the last minute because you wouldn't just let this Valentine's Day thing go. So just count your blessings that I'm here at all, rather than ditching you like I originally wanted to."

"I don't think I should be grateful that my boyfriend is taking me out someplace nice for Valentine's Day," snapped Harley. "I think it's kinda expected that you spend time with me today, in fact."

"Oh, you always say that about special occasions," snapped Joker. "Half of which you've made up. I'll let your birthday and Christmas slide, but we've got about eight anniversaries for some reason..."

"Well, we got the day we met, the day you first kissed me, the day we first had sex in Arkham, the day I busted you outta Arkham, the day we first had sex outside of Arkham, the day we first used the whoopie cushion during sex..."

"Yeah, lotta anniversaries," interrupted Joker. "And then Valentine's Day on top of all that other crap."

"Crap?" repeated Harley. "The precious memories of the beginnings of our relationship are not crap!"

"They don't merit a whole day of celebration!" snapped Joker. "And neither does this stupid holiday! It's made up by card companies to sell cards, and by women to guilt trip their boyfriends into doing something special on top of all the other crap they do for them!"

"What do you ever do for me?" demanded Harley.

"I give you my time and attention and a nice place to live..."

"You never give me your time and attention!" retorted Harley. "And we live in the abandoned funhouse with a leaky roof..."

"Oh, so that's not good enough for you anymore, is it, Little Miss High and Mighty?" demanded Joker.

"It's fine as long as I'm with you!" shouted Harley. "That's all I ever want, Mr. J, just to spend a little time with you! I'd live anywhere and do anything for that, and I frequently do! And I don't think it's asking too much to have a couple days outta the year where I am your number one priority instead of..."