I'm technically at the "very healthy!" weight says my doctor at an appointment about a week ago. I know that I'm healthy but how come I'm so fat then? I see my big tummy I see my enormous thighs and look at the other people. Everyday I suck in my stomach until my ribs hurt so that I can look almost "normal" but it's still not enough. If I remember to I don't put my feet flat on the ground when I'm sitting because it makes my thighs expand. I'd managed to be okay with my weight and how I look for a while until I was getting a shirt for the play in in. My drama teacher saw I wasn't sure so she piped up. "Well, your a pretty big kid so I'd go with large but that might be a bit big." She said. I was going to go with medium or small... She wasn't meaning to make me feel fat in fact she's one of the nicest teachers ever. I knew she didn't me big as in tall because I'm shorter than average. I tried on the shirt and it was kinda big but the fact that it wasn't too big made me feel bad. I kept thinking"your fat too fat everybody knows it. Your bigger than a lot of the girls in your grade". I kept thinking it over and over again. I kept thinking about the way my friend had said " we might have to kinda squeeze" when I was sitting with her and my other friend who moved away that year. I don't mean to be rude but she was obese. After that my friend turned to my other friend and said"especially when your sitting next to someone like her!". My mind stopped. I knew that my friend was and still is pretty nice but I felt horrible. I realized I was letting my thighs relax and quickly picked up my feet. Then I remembered when another one of my friends( who I've known since I was like 2 and can be really nice or brutally mean without realizing it) had been at my house and asked me what position I'd want to play if I was on a quidditch team from Harry Potter.(at this time she was on her mean side) I said" I think it would be really fun to be seeker! How bout you?". She said "Umm I don't know I don't think you'd be good at seeker. I mean it's more built for skinny people like me.". I said"well I would be seeker anyway and be good at it". And she said something like "You couldn't you wouldn't be able to be swift on the broom". She'd crossed the line. I kept saying I could until the argument died out. I constantly think of how to loose weight. I remembered when the boy in my drama class had said"Move over fatso" to me last year. In fairness he was really skinny and wasn't necessarily the nicest kid ever when they wanted something done. How can I be healthy but be fat? I know I'm not nearly as fat as the kids said but what if I am? When my friend asks me if I think I'm healthy or what I think about my body to assure me that I am perfectly fine I always make it seem slightly better then what's actually going on in my head. I can't handle it. I keep repeating all this in my head and I just find more and more evidence to the claim that I AM fat. Too fat.
