- i wasnt that drunk last night. -dude you picked up a little mexican girl and said dora i need your map to get home. - oh.
-Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
-At night, I put the blankets waaay over my head. Because you know, If there's a murderer in my house, he'll walk in and be like "I'm gonna kic- Aw shoot that person's under a blanket, I can't get him now!"
-That moment when you walk into a spider web, and suddenly you turn into a karate master
-roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty wat happened to u
-Hey b*tch, your not "country" just because you listen to country music.
-The other day I had a fortune cookie. It read: "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you." There was a cat sitting next to me... -_-
-Telemarketer: "Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?" Jerry: "Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later." Telemarketer: "Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that." Jerry: "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home." Telemarketer: "No." Jerry: "Well, now you know how I feel." [hangs up]
-I wouldnt take a bullet for you....because if i have enough time to run in front of you, you have enough time to move.
-Mom: Where were you last night? Son: Studying with my friends. Mom: Don't lie. Son: Alright, I was at a stripper club. Mom: DID YOU SEE ANYTHING THERE THAT YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE?!?!? Son: yeh...I saw dad.
-Girl : *cries* Boy : why are you crying ? Girl : because the boy I like has a new girlfriend Boy : well then the boy must be a b*tch and the girl must be a sl*t because you're amazing Girl : Thanks & you just called yourself a b*tch and your girlfriend a sl*t Boy : I did not think this through ..
-Guy #1: So where were ya born? Guy #2: Dublin, Ireland Guy #1: Oh so was I! What year were you born? Guy #2: 1964 Guy #1: Oh so was I! What day? Guy #2: December 14. Guy #1: Oh so was I! Random guy sitting near them: What's goin' on down there? Bartender: Oh nothing special. Its just the O'Malley twins are drunk again.
-Guy: Man i'm hungry! Girl: Would you like a sandwich? Guy: Yes...... Girl: Would you like bacon on it? Guy: MARRY ME!
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hey tell me if you like these and i will post more!!!!!
~~Tameka <3~~
