when the night falls in around me...

Inspirational song for this piece is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rguhxKEBlr4&ob=av3e

3 doors down – Landing in London

Thanks to @hallywell12 who came up with the song for me!

ENJOY! Plz tell me what you think!

…and when the night falls in around me…

A train rattled past. The streetlights were shining through the curtains. A car horn blaring. Cars rushing past. Lucas sighed and rolled over again. The pillow smelled clean and fresh. A horrid smell. It was too soft. It was too warm in here. Too comfortable.

Water. There was water dripping somewhere. Drip. Drip. Drip. Lucas tried to ignore the sound, but the harder he tried the worse it became. Drip. Drip. It brought back memories. He shut his eyes tightly, forcing the images out of his head. No. He must not go back there.

                …and I don’t think I’ll make it through…

Lucas got up and stumbled into the bathroom and kitchen, shutting all the taps tightly before getting back into bed. Silence. Finally. Now he should be able to sleep…

But he could not sleep. The mattress was soft and comfy, the duvet kept him warm. But this was not right. The sounds outside, the smells surrounding him. It was wrong. He had longed to be able to sleep in a bed, to sleep undisturbed, in peace, to not fear to be pulled to his feet for more torture… but it felt wrong now.

Lucas sighed heavily and sat up, hitting his head with his palms. He needed to stop that. Get the images out of his head.

                …and all these days I spent away…       

A hood was ripped from his head and Lucas blinked. He was staring into a bright pair of headlights. Where was he? His eyes slowly adjusted to his surroundings and he spotted three figures standing next to the car a few meters away. Harry. MI5. This was an exchange. Lucas swallowed and tried to keep from shivering in the cold night air. He was back in London.

…maybe I’ll be back around…

The office that was with Harry, Lucas did not recognize him, gave the man he was holding a rough shove and made him move towards them. In the same moment Lucas was freed. The Russian who had been holding him in an iron grip let go and Lucas staggered forward, almost falling. He was weak. His legs almost couldn’t carry him. He was exhausted. Hungry. His muscles stiff. But he locked his eyes on Harry and walked on.

A few steps. He could do it. He had to. He would not break down. He finally reached them and Harry gave a small smile. “Hy Harry.” Lucas rasped, his vice sounding worse than he expected. “Welcome home Lucas.” Harry said, clapping him on the shoulder. Lucas gritted his teeth. This almost made him fall to his knees. “How are you feeling?” “Fine. Good. Cold.” Lucas said. He would let anyone patronize him. He had survived hell. He could survive a cold London night.

He was grateful when he sank down in the backseat of the car though. Safety. No more of torture. He had been exchanged. He had been brought back. Lucas closed his eyes for a second and rested his head on the window. He was exhausted, but his mind was also buzzing with all the new information, the excitement, the relief.

The car door opened and Lucas sat up a little straighter. Harry and the younger officer got in the car, hardly saying a word as they drove away. Lucas was not in the mood for talking anyway. He watched the city fly by, looking outside the window. The city he loved more than anything else.

                …I just can’t wait to get back home…

“How did they treat you?” Harry asked, glancing at Lucas. Lucas grinned, avoiding Harry’s gaze. The images welled up in his mind again. All the pain, the humiliation. The suffering.

“Sometimes well… sometimes don’t.” he mumbled. He could not talk about what he had experienced. If there was a hell it was this place. “They told me I could come home if I spied for them.” Lucas said lowly, distracting Harry. “What did you say?” Harry asked him. Lucas grinned, looking at Harry and the other officer. “I said yes.” Naturally. Of course he had said yes. Harry grinned, turning away again, obviously falling for the joke. Lucas stared out the window again. He had said yes…

                …I’ll make up for this I swear…

“Do you think we could stop for some fish and chips? I got a craving.” He asked. He was starving. And he needed food. Fish and chips. He had forgotten what this tasted like. The thought alone made his stomach growl.

Harry was obviously surprised by his behavior. Lucas smiled. No. he would not break down. He was back. For good. He was back in London. And he wanted to be back the Grid too. He had not sacrificed 8 years to be treated like an outsider. MI5 was his life. If he did not have his job, he would never get over this. He would have suffered for nothing. He would have survived for nothing.

                …when it’s all too much to bear…

---

                …I keep my head from getting lazy…

“You’re running on adrenaline, close to exhaustion.” Harry said. Lucas stared at him, an almost feverish desperation in his stormy blue eyes. He wanted to help. He need to help. He knew what it was like… to be abandoned, forgotten. And… he couldn’t rest now. He couldn’t let his mind catch up with him. Resting would bring everything back. The images, the horrors.

He needed to keep busy. Don’t stop. Don’t think. If he was exhausted enough later, he might be able to rest. He could rest when he knew that he helped saving someone else. The dreams might be easier to bear when he knew he had endured all this for a reason.

“Let me help.” He almost begged. If Harry sent him away, away from the Grid, Lucas had no idea what to do.

He was stranded. This was not the life he had know 8 years ago. London looked different, even in the middle of the night. The people were different. He was different. He needed something to hold on to. Some normality.

His job. Nothing had changed there. They technology maybe, the codes, the way things were done. But not the purpose. Lucas needed to help. He needed a purpose. Just for a few hours. Just so he could believe that he was really back. That he has survived.

---

“Relax.” Lucas told himself.  “Relax. Goddammit!”  He took another breath and tried to calm himself. It did not work. Sleep would not come. Maybe…

It was crazy, but Lucas craved sleep now. And maybe he just needed another kind of familiarity. He had not slept like this for 8 years. For 8 years he had only known cold, hard tiles. He had been shivering during the nights sometimes, lying on the cold floors so his pains could be numbed by the coldness.

Maybe he just needed a bit of that… Nothing in this safe house felt familiar, or homely. It was all alien to Lucas.

He stood up from the bed and took the thin cotton sheet with him, lying down on the hard carpeted floor. This was better, much better. No softness. No warmth. Lucas sighed lowly.

The cold, hard floor relaxed him. He let out a long breath and let his mind drift off. Finally he could rest… sleep…

                … and when the night falls in around me… and I don’t think I’ll make it through…