Hands In Your Coat

Dear Friend, I miss you

You and I have a love-hate relationship.

I love how you laugh and smile and tell jokes.

I love how you're open, but you'll lock my secrets away deep where no one can find them.

I hate how much pain you're in.

I hate how something between us broke.

I hate how I can't seem to fix it.

I love the way I have the only smiling photograph of you.

I wish you would smile more.

I love how I thought I understood you.

I love how we could butt heads and still keep it together.

I hate how I was wrong.

And I miss you.

I miss your sense of humor and your recognition of boundaries.

You could tell when I was nearing my breaking point.

You would swoop in before they could see me cry.

When I stood out in the freezing rain without a jacket and refused yours, you let me put my hands in your coat.

And that was more than enough.

You understood that I had issued a challenge and could not back down now.

You understand why I still fight for my place.

And you are gone.

There is a boy who wears your face and your name and I don't like him.

He's rude and mean and cuts too deep and doesn't care about boundaries.

And everyone acts like he's you but he can't be.

Because it can't be my fault that he's this way.

It can't be my fault that what we had was shattered and you cut yourself on the shards.

And there are days when the loss sneaks up on my and it feels like my heart is stone-

stone that is still trying to pump blood and the ache doubles me over.

And I wish I could walk through the freezing rain and put my hands in your coat.

But I can't.

Because all I see now from you are switchblade comments that cut too deep and bitterness that bubbles like pitch and runs up my arms and sears my skin.

I want to reach out and hug you and hold you,

Like we did on that last day-

Tight and fierce like we knew something was about to change but we wanted to anchor ourselves to this present.

And when I said "goodbye", I didn't care that they all looked confused.

I cared that I had a friend that I wasn't willing to lose.

But I have lost you now.

And I cannot mourn your or bury you.

But no one can prevent me from crying.

Or from closing my eyes and wishing you up again and putting my hands in your coat.