I have no good reason to write this but I need to get this off my chest and soon.
I draw and write because it allows me hide in a world where I am the one in control no one to say you can't do that and you have to do this where no one else in control i'm free to let my mind run wild to let myself be creative where my life does not allow.
My characters laugh at what I laugh cry at what I cry at they share my woes, my imperfections, my insecurities, and my hatreds they are me and I am them my stories may sound no different to some and others may think I put too much blood, gore, sadness, abusive and dark thoughts, emotions, or action into shows meant for kids but truthfully that's just who I am I can be dark I can be sad I am broken because of the shit that goes on in this world
This world is hell we show no kindness we show no mercy we show no happiness why? I don't know and at this point I don't care why anymore because I have lost my faith that the world can be better that those who claim they will change never will people say they are kind why?
In this world mercy does not exist
I hate being me because they don't realize that I am not going through a 'faze' like they think I just don't see a reason to keep going in a world where no ones care about each other anymore.
It's so amusing when I hear people say to be yourself but what I find funny no, downright Fucking Hilarious is that whenever you are who you are they judge you, they put you down, they drag you're happiness through the ground they act like you are beneath them why?
I am an insomniac because of this I see things that aren't there I get paranoid easily and I'm scared to speak because whenever I tried to talk when at school as a child I got treated like I was a monster like I was truly different I had a girl named Daisey M. I had never met before treat me like shit over and over and over again and every time I was kind to her she insulted my only two friends but still I tried to be kind she was still horrible to me why?
One my first day of Kindergarten I ended up sitting with a boy named Anthoney A. I said hi to him and introduced myself and held my hand out to shake it and guess what his response was to Twist. My. Fucking. Arm. For. Saying. Hi? Surprisingly or not we got to be friends I was even friends with brother sadly I don't remember his name which I hate myself for forgetting because he was nicest kid I had even met
I had two girls named Morgan P. and Sophia M. In my class they were always kind to me and treated me like we were friends since birth but after awhile they stopped being friends with each other I didn't know what to do so I spent my schooltime with Morgan and the two one hour long bus trips with Sophia and a boy named Jinnai M.
But soon another girl in my class befriended Morgan, Caroline S. She was nice to me when Morgan was their but when she wasn't she just put me down constantly for still being childish mind you I was only what seven at the time but I knew she had family problems and Morgan seemed to like her so I was still kind to the girl
Honestly I sometimes wonder if all my friends were just out of pity for me great now I'm crying but to continue
There was a boy who once moved to my block I think his name was Brian but ya know I didn't give a shit about him he was an asshole do you remember Jinnai from earlier well Brian and I chased him over the bus so I could kiss him why? I don't know why but I did not want to kiss him them why I do it? because he threatened to bitch slap me if I didn't like I said earlier he was an asshole
My cousin Aburey S. Went to my school for a little while I was still naive and I was so excited and her brothers we're kind to me but her? No she may have acted like a kind person with no friends but no she was the one who made me love swearing and hate life great person right.
During the school year I believe it was third grade my granpa (yes I say and write it without the d) passed away and I finally just stopped smiling at school altogether and my only comfort that Ilime could just talk to with no judgement or interrupting was my cat monster and as odd as it might seem she may have been named monster but we was my angel of light when she was still here she 'disappeared' about a year after he left.
You know after grandpa had died and monster had disappeared I had a dream that I never told anyone about I was in a movie theater with granpa in the seat next to me monster in my lap I don't remember if we were alone or not but the screen showed my childhood through someone else's eyes I think it was his but I could be wrong but I heard him talking saying things like I will always be watching you, I will always cherish my memories of you i'm happy to have gotten to meet you and happy to have had a place in your life, and to watch over grama
Then the screen changed and it was from a different perspective and a little girls voice saying i'm sorry that I had bullies that were mean to something so kind, that she loved me and to always remember that I was the sweetest thing and that she didn't know what she did to deserved me
I'm sorry for complaining when I have no right to and to have taken up so much of your time that I didn't deserve
