Treading water. That’s me at the current moment in time. I don’t swim by the way, I’m just a guy who’s a bit lost in life and it appears that I’ve misplaced my great map. If you see it, please return it, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
You might be wondering what I mean when I mention that I’m ‘lost’. Well, I’ve no sense of direction, not in a navigational manner, more in the way that I haven’t a single idea what I want to do with my future. Even as I sit here trying to write this, my mind goes blank as the paper stretched before me, just as it does when I attempt to put some degree of thought into what I ought to be doing with my short existence on this rock.
‘You must go to school, college and university. Then you can get an amazing job and earn lots of money.’
All throughout my years at school I have been drilled with this same idea but I don’t know if it’s what I want, well, do I? I’m not sure if it’s right for me or not. Back to square one I guess.
Sure I’d like a good job with a decent wage but do I need more than enough to make me comfortable? I’m not greedy; I think I would be satisfied with enough to not have any worries about the welfare of my bank account, if that’s even possible in the current economical climate. I guess what I’m trying to get at is whether or not to go to university for higher education and this somewhat promised great future I’ve been told about for so long.
Without wanting to sound arrogant, I’m not an unintellectual fellow. Though as I type that I’m not even sure ‘unintellectual’ is even a word. In fact, I don’t think it is, so there you go. I’m not perfect, but who is? Before I get distracted too much as seems the case so often with me, back to my point. I’m not lacking on intelligence to a certain extent so it would seem like a great waste of potential were I to not strive for these bigger opportunities that lay in wait once the hurdle that is university has been successfully cleared, surely? I know that those close to me would possibly feel let down slightly, though I’m sure they could understand my decisions were I not to seek what they expect of me but I think what gets me the most is that I would feel some disappointment in myself. A disappointment that I never attempted to reach out and at least endeavour for more. What is more though? How far do you want to take this? Once again, I don’t know.
I’m not entirely sure who I’m writing this for by the way, though it is somewhat therapeutic just to lay out my thoughts in this way rather than trying to distinguish between them in the misty haze they create inside my head. When I attempt that, I hit some sort of overload and my brain shuts down, leaving my mind blank once more, making my task harder than before.
Let’s say I decide that university is for me, I now have to decide what I want to study and I can honestly say that I haven’t a clue. I know of some things I have no interest in studying, maths for one, but when I try to think of what I want to spend at least 3 years of my life trying to comprehend, nothing screams out to me. The obvious question would be ‘What are you interested in?’ and rightly so, though as I seem to be typing more often than I’d like to admit, I don’t know.
Is it worth it though? I know many people with degrees who have successfully graduated from university that are struggling to find this job that will make their university experience worth it. Some of them I work with currently and some are slotting into jobs that I’m sure I could easily do myself with my current qualifications, no trouble. Is it worth all the debt? Is it worth all the effort? I know I’d be proud of myself, which counts for something.
Currently my life consists of earning enough to survive with a part time job, socialising, entertaining myself and socialising some more. A part of me is wondering whether I’m considering university just for the social side of it, is that justification enough for going through with it if I don’t even know what course I want to be on? Questions, more questions.
There’s a major lack of ambition in my head somewhere. For a while I’ve been content with my current state of affairs but I’m beginning to think I’d better change up a gear or I’m going to get left behind. I guess that’s progress, some slight glimpse of an aspiration to better myself and I know that makes me a happier person right now. The task now is increasing and fulfilling that ambition in a way that I am content with, once I manage to figure out how. Until I find the path I’m looking for I’ll just try and keep my chin up, like I said, treading water.
