White Lies and Black Eyes [Timids]

Part V

I ran as fast as my legs could take me, only pausing when I believed I was far enough from Drew. I didn’t want him to follow me, I needed to be alone. I stopped in front of a run-down pub. The paint was peeling and flaking away, the sign has missing letters and a few windows seemed to have been replaced poorly but it served purpose. They seemed to be getting customers anyway.

I walked in self-consciously, realising that I was still in my full stage makeup and clothing. I walked through the pub and followed the signs to where the toilets were. Once inside the safety of the vacant toilets I proceeded to clean myself up a little. Still panting heavily I grabbed toilet paper and proceeded to wipe off as much makeup as I could, wetting it under the taps hoping it would help slightly. Once I was content with the amount of make-up I managed to remove I proceeded to make myself look slightly more presentable and ‘normal’. Pulling my goggles down from its place on my head to around my neck I flattened down my hair more, stroking my fingers through it to remove any knots that had formed during the gig. I removed my striped tie, shoving it in my pocket, removed my waistcoat and undone a few shirt buttons to make myself look more casual. I pulled my shirt up and out of its previous place tucked under my jeans and breathed heavily. I looked at myself in the mirror, and nodded. I think that’s casual enough for me not to get beaten up. I left the toilets and nodded to the bartender who eyed me suspiciously. Leaving the pub I checked my phone to check the time. It was getting late; the guys had probably left the venue by now.

I made my way back home slowly, taking my time to think through today’s events. I wished I handled it differently, I knew I shouldn’t have spoken back to Jay, but I know I shouldn’t have just took it. I wasn’t going to let him use me anymore; I had to show him that I was stronger now. I knew I shouldn’t have shouted at Drew, it wasn’t his fault that Jay hit me, it was mine. All I thought about when I was walking home was the look on Drew’s face as I shouted at him. His widened eyes and his mouth agape with confusion. I had to make it up to him; I couldn’t even think about how terrible it would be if he was angry with me. I’d hate the thought of us arguing.

I opened our flat door quietly, noticing instantly how quiet the flat was.

“Guys?” I voiced through the silent flat, receiving nothing but silence in reply. I sighed slightly, slumping my shoulders and walked through the flat, switching on light switches as I walked, hating the darkness. I walked silently into the living room and sat on the edge of the sofa, looking around the empty flat. I’ve always hated being alone, I guess I deserved it after running away from the guys. I wonder if they realised I wasn’t with them. Probably not.

I couldn’t handle the silence any longer so I pulled out my mobile phone and dialled Drew’s number.  I knew it by heart. Holding it to my ear I counted the rings, after about 6 it cut off suddenly. I lowered the phone and stared at it in confusion. Did Drew just cut me off? Drew rejected my call? I stood shakily and began to pace around the room.  Is Drew that mad at me? Would he forgive me? Does he hate me?

Suddenly my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out from my back pocket I unlocked it.

1 new message: Jay

I grumbled as I read who it was from. I wanted it to be Drew.

I had a nice time tonight. I missed your forced kisses and the fear in your eyes. We should do it again sometime. X

The first few times I read it I was shaking in fear at the thought of having to see him again. After rereading it a few times I noticed the threat for how empty it actually was. I didn’t have to see him again; I didn’t have to do anything he said anymore. I stood with the confidence for a while, happy with the freedom I had until I looked around the flat. I was alone now. No one to hold me when I was scared, no one to kiss me; tell me that they love me. I had no one to love. I was truly alone now. I needed Jay; I needed his demands and his threats. They’re all I have and all I deserve. Maybe if I did as he said he’d begin to love me this time? Noticing what I was saying to myself I began to get angry. How could I sink this low? He hurt me, he didn’t want me! Why would I even consider going back there?! Am I insane?