It was just like any typical day when this guest showed up at my doorstep. I never thought anything about it. This house guest suddenly got too comfortable and decided to stay. Its funny how we take everything for granted and when you least expect it it just blows up in your face. Anyway this went for a while. My house guest now my tenant Ms.Cd rearrange my whole life.
Some days I wake up saying OK ready for anything... but some days it just doesn't go the way I want and its back to this psycho of Ms. Cd to deal with.. Its been hard, dealing with this a unwelcome friend Ms. Cd, yeah I can actually say that. Most of the time I just want the earth to swallow me whole so much pain inside, drained. Tired of taking seconds by seconds. I look up the sky and say" Can I get a break today don't have time or energy in me to fight this today". Then my alarm goes of reminding another day that I gotta go have my special meal. I called more of a poison apple to stop my visitor for overstaying his welcome. So if I eat this apple can I sleep this off for hundred years so I don't have to deal Ms. Cd anymore? But the same nagging things as always. Its like someone who doesn't want to move out when its being kicked out.
I recall perfectly well, more than a few months ago, I started to see myself slow down. Felt my body slowly decomposing, like I was dying or something. Ms. Cd was doing her magic and trying to drive me insane but I said to myself I need to get some more vitamins, get plenty of fresh air and exercise. Started doing that right away. It didn't work. It just got more complicated. Ms. Cd was beginning to be the tenant from hell spreading her mess all over and making me clean after her mess. Then the day came when I had to go to find out was happening . It felt like when you go to court and waiting for the verdict , in this case was like landlord and tenant court case and find out what the judge will say. I waited patiently and finally the verdict , Ms. Cd was not going anywhere for a while she . She sort of won. I was shocked did not see that one coming. Everything in me froze. I heard the words but I could not speak. I just nodding my head I got up and left. I couple of days later, they called to make sure everything was going fine. Then they asked me to come back and start a new working plan. But I still could not believe , I was dumbfounded. I never told my family anything for a while.
Ms Cd was a force that I was not able to control for a while , I needed more reinforcement. Time was flying by so fast the winter was gone then came spring. Late spring Ms. Cd thought she can tell me what to do and I had to come face to face and not allow her to tell me what to do with my life. But she was a tough cookie and kept going at it till early summer while I went to to was told the reinforcement were here. My how much simple beauty of a person can change in matters of minutes. I finally came to terms and admitted to myself I have Breast Cancer. I cried like a baby so hard. so much tears that you can easily turn into a stream. Ms. Cd was just going to be residing temporarily, she was no longer going to take over me.
Its hard to write this, even now i'm crying because I don't have that much energy right now. My precious red apple that's my chemo kicks my behind so much. I have it everyday. I can't work, drained don't have much of taste buds, can't stand wigs but were it once in a while just to bother Ms. Cd. Lately I have insomnia, but can't still handle no food. Is like you become a baby somehow. You have to teach your body all over again. But most of all I miss myself so much. I count the days, that I can tell Ms.Cd to kiss my ass and good riddance.So if you have a friend like Ms. Cd stand up to her.
Don't think I strong because i'm not. I just try to hold on as much as I can. I am going to put my guards down and tell you I am scared. I truly am. I want to live. Oh God, I want to see my babies grow up and want to see my babies graduate be married and make me a grandma but most of all I just want is to live . You don't know how much I crave, yearn to be able to live.I just want to say I am here and I ain't going nowhere. "Do you hear that Ms. Cd" , " I ain't going no where because this where I belong"
