PROJECT L.E.L. - Year 18

Other thoughts ran through her mind as she reviewed the loveless relationship she had with her father. He was never at home, often drunk and never took notice of her. It would have been different if she was a boy.  He had said that so many times?

The argument had raged for over half an hour until her father in a thick slurred voice began to shout in a threatening manner until he hit her.

“Get out! Get out!” her mother screamed at her father. “Don’t ever come back!”

/////

“What did the psychologist say?”

Shanshan looked up from her coffee, her mouth twisting as she considered her reply. She had asked Michael to meet her as she needed to talk to someone older, and as her first employer in New Zealand, he was like an Uncle to her.

“Nothing! He said nothing!”  She spurted out in a semi snarl.

“OK! But did he give you some action to take that will help you?” was the pointed reply.

“He listened, but wants me to find out the answer,” she spat out in contempt.  “That’s his job, not mine,” she added, articulating her dilemma.

 “Well, what did he say?” he asked again. “What did he say about the new relationship with your work colleague?” he persisted. “What did he suggest you do?”

‘I told him that while I was attracted to him…you know it was great getting his attention,”  she  mused.  “He is always texting me.” Then she sat up straight, looked directly at him and announced, “But I am married so I must give him up!”

“Yes I know,” Michael agreed, “but he is only an admirer, and all beautiful women have admirers.”

Overlooking his compliment, Shanshan became aggressive again as she changed subjects and went back to venting her anger on the psychologist. “He thinks my attitude to Peter is an over-compensation of my feelings towards my father…you know, my hatred towards him for abusing mum!”

She kept looking into her cup.  Then she whispered, “He says I have difficulty working with men!”

/////

“Shanshan, let me in,” her mother demanded.

Jumping from her bed, Shanshan quickly reached the door, which she unlocked. Her mother entered holding her face.

“You’re hurt; he hit you; the monster!” she spat out, closing and locking the door before turning to comfort her sobbing Mother. “Here, let me look,” as Shanshan carefully checked her mother’s face.

Now after the confrontation had settled down, the fear and shock of hearing the violent argument between her parents had made her somewhat detached. She was angry, but felt cold and remote as she took on the responsibility to help her mother. The sight of her mother in such distress was the final act of her father that tipped her over to let go of her love for him. 

She hated him. She loathed him for the way he had treated her mother. She wanted to attack him, kick him, and beat him until he was whimpering like a beaten dog. Her body tensed and her fists clenched as she stood up, unsure if she should confront him on her own.

“Don’t do it.” Her mother had read her mind. “Leave it be!”

“I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!” Sanshan screamed at the door, then crumpled sobbing into her mother’s arms and for a while they held each other tightly as they shared their anger.

Slowly the tension subsided and Shanshan gradually pulled away. “What is going to happen?” she asked, her voice the plaintive cry of a scared soul.