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Funny Business & Professional Quotes


*** Business Dealings ***

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation." Howard Scott.

"I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." Douglas Adams.

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." Charles Lamb.

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." Orson Welles.

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet." Mark Twain (...more Mark Twain Quotes).

"The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege." letter in the Times newspaper.

"In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything." Harold Coffin.

"The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." Charles Dickens.

"Few great men would have got past personnel." Paul Goodman.

"When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'." Robert Morley.

"If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them." Will Rogers.

"If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter." Albert Grant.

"A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists." CT Jones.

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." Samuel Goldwyn.

"We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure." Keith Davis.

"Any organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top." John Imhoff.

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours." Arthur Baer.

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job." Samuel Goldwyn.

"Today's payslip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel." Raymond Cvikota.

"To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in." Doris Lilly.

*** Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers ***

"Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty." George Bernard Shaw (...more George Bernard Shaw Quotes).

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray.

"The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself." Charles Dickens.

"A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." Barton Holyday.

"The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing." Will Rogers.

"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong; they should have killed him because he was a lawyer." Whitney Brown.

"No brilliance is required in law, just common sense and relatively clean fingernails." John Mortimer.

"Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish." Ted Whitehead.

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." Evelle Younger.

"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." Benjamin Franklin.

"Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer." Will Rogers.

"I would much prefer to be a judge than a coal miner because of the absence of falling coal." Peter Cook.

"The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk." Patrick Murray.

"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns." Mario Puzo.

"A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it to himself." Henry Bougham.

"The most beautiful words in the English langauge are 'not guilty'." Maxim Gorky.

"To escape jury duty in England, wear a bowler hat and carry a copy of the Daily telegraph." John Mortimer.

"There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they are plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get so attached to them and the third is that they will do things that you just can't get rats to do." Blanche Knott.

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