Authors note - yeah it's Cat-eyes... hey! But yeah this is a bit of rambling and a loada talking we had at our friends house today put to words... hope you enjoy. I randomly make an appearance... don't ask....
'I know what you are' said Bella, trying to stop herself falling over.
'Say it' said Edward, standing disturbingly close to her.
'A vampire' she whispered.
'WHAT?' he demanded 'I'm not a vampire.'
She turned round, confused 'what? You have to be a vampire, I mean the whole thing with the eyes and sparkling and blood.'
'No, I just have conjunctivitis, I had a glitter fight with Emmett this morning... bitch stole ma stickahs... and I'm squeamish' he replied, leaning against a tree.
'But-' she paused, but didn't have anything intelligent to say (surprisingly enough *cough cough* sarcasm...) 'what are you then?'
'I' he paused, standing up straight 'am Lord Voldemort.'
Bella raised her eyebrow 'Lord Voldemort.'
'Yes' he said, snapping a piece of twig off 'this is my wand.'
'Ah' she said, sounding unconvinced 'well... I kinda get it now. I mean, the whole thing with trying to kill Harry Potter and all that, but I thought that was a hair issue or something.'
Edward - grinding his teeth - 'It WAS a hair issue, that's why I want to kill him. He looks like a CHAV.'
'Yeah, but you have Robert Patterson hair' she replied 'it doesn't get stupider.'
Edward gave her the evils 'what's so weird about me being Voldemort ?'
'Well, he's kinda cool and your just really-'
'Sexy and sparkling?'
'-lame and unbelievably boring.'
Edward rolled his eyes 'okay, okay I'm not actually Lord Voldemort.'
'I thought not' she replied, smiling at him 'so are you actually a vampire.'
'Come off it Bella, vampires don't sparkle' he said, thoughtfully.
'Straight men don't sparkle' muttered cat-eyes, randomly walking through the forest. Bella didn't have enough brain cells to comprehend this.
'What are you then Eddie... tell me then we can sleep together!!!' she said overly enthusiastically.
Edward mentally reminded himself to buy some Viagra, then looked Bella right in the eyes. She nearly fell over as she looked at them like she did every other page even when he wasn't around... 'Will you still love me?'
'Of course' she grinned stupidly.
'What if I'm not the hero, what if I'm the bad guy?' he asked.
'What?' she said, incredibly confused for the fourth time in three minutes. She was getting more intelligent.
'What if I'm a walrus?' he asked.
'WHAT THE @*&$?' demanded Bella. 'Of course I won't love you if you're a walrus.'
'Shit' muttered Edward, admiring himself sparkling in the mirror that had randomly appeared from nowhere and doing his hair perhaps even stupider. Should he get it dyed, or more extensions? He shook his head and looked back to Bella 'but haven't you watched 50 first dates? Walrus' have the world's largest peni-'
'No' she said 'I don't understand tv. But I like the bright colors and noises.'
'Why did I ever go out with you?' Edward asked.
'COS I LIKE SPARKLING' she yelled.
'Okay look. I'm a walrus' he said 'if you read the back cover of twilight it says it in big letters even though the whole of the book is about the mystery-'
'I can't understand letters' replied Bella.
Then Edward pulled off his skin and revealed his walrus body, conveniently ate Bella then threw himself off a conveniently placed cliff and landed in a sea of fire (also conveniently placed)
THE END.
