How to not have Sex before You are Married
(a fundynutter’s guide)
How to not have Sex before You are Married
Copyright 2011 by The Fundynutter
All rights reserved
Preface
This book isn’t for MY kids. I'm telling my kids that sex doesn't exist and that weird feeling they get when they look at cute boys is probably a disease. I may also give them each an aspirin to keep between their knees.
This book is for you, and your kids.
This is not your Youth Pastor’s Guide to abstinence. Or at least it’s not my Youth Pastor’s guide. For one reason, Youth Pastors seem to like to talk “frank” with kids and I just hate that. Frankness leads to saying yucky words like “heavy petting” and “tongue kissing.”
I much prefer terms like “snogging.” We don’t say it much around here therefore we can pretend we don’t really know what it means.
Youth Pastors are also likely to use real, biological terms. Trust me, I won’t. I won’t even say boy parts and girl parts. I mean, I won’t say them again. If you aren’t having sex you don’t need to say those words or any of their pseudonyms.
Also Youth Pastors like to “share.” Like you know, tell you about the things they did or didn’t do five years ago when they were in high school. For one thing it’s been more than five years since I was in high school. It’s been like 7 or 8 years (more than that? Oh dear.) Well anyway. It was a long time ago and names, dates and locations have gone fuzzy. Or fuzzy enough anyway. The point is you won’t find me talking about how petting with Joey in the backseat of his car had gone too far one night and I had to have a repurification ceremony at youth retreat. You won’t hear that because it isn’t true, it is icky, and it would be embarrassing for all of us.
But if I keep going on like this you won’t have anything useful to read. And if you are like me you are dying to find out how to make it through your single years without having sex.
Unless of course you are like my best friend instead, who was dying to find someone to have sex with during those years. If that is your problem you have the wrong book. Though I think you should read this one because, as it turns out, sex is icky and you really don’t want to have it with someone who may just text all his buddies about it, you know? Bodily fluids and nudity really don’t need to be shared via mobile phones.
Chapter 1
Let’s get down to the business of not getting down to business. The high school years are the first big hurdle. (I’m pretending it is twenty years ago and Jr. High kids aren’t having sex. I have my fingers in my ears as you protest. I’m singing LA LA LA LA LA LA LA really loudly.)
This is where your youth pastor and high school health teacher will begin to talk about the hormones that wash over your brain disconnecting all of your previous common sense connections and lighting an unquenchable fire in your libido. But that lecture contains so many yucky words I can’t even count them. That talk is often given with a slide show. You don’t want to see those pictures. They are gross.
In school you may get the banana/condom demonstration but I fail to see how that will keep you from having sex. At youth group you may get to see how giant a sperm is compared to the aids virus. Sperm=huge virus=tiny. There. You can stay home sick when those lessons show up on the calendar.
