15 Years in the Woods

It was more than fifteen years ago and still I feel guilty. Still I sometimes cry myself to sleep. Still I wonder what in heaven I could have done differently.

It was a hiking trip. Laney loved the outdoors and I wanted to help her love it more. Laney was already in the girl scouts and loved that too but our local group wasn't very active. I felt like it was my fatherly duty to grow my daughter's passion for nature and exercise.

Just for the long easter weekend. I carried the tent and sleeping bags and Laney proudly carried our cooking utensils in her small dark green backpack. My then wife wanted to do the family tour with our two year old son.

I think that's why we broke up - because she couldn't look at me anymore without seeing Laney. She couldn't look at me without blaming me.

The first two days everything was wonderful. We hiked mostly along a small river and sometimes through stretches of wood. Along the way I taught Laney about edible mushrooms and how to recognize fresh bear tracks and how her mother had always hated hiking.

Let's be honest, I loved hiking and my wife hated hiking. I don't know how I managed to get Laney passionate about it, but to me it seems like one of my greatest achievements - that my daughter shared my passion for fresh air and exploring new areas. With her ten years Laney already seemed in many ways more mature than her mother ever was.

We had left on Friday morning. By 16:00 we had already reached further than I had planned and so we found a nice spot overlooking a lake, prepared food and got into our sleeping bags to watch the sunset. That is how I choose to remember Laney, her eyes sparkling with excitement, her body wrapped in the far too big red sleeping bag and the skin of her face glowing in the orange-red of the setting sun.

The next day we were slower. The night had been cooler than I had anticipated and while Laney said she was fine I felt the itch of a developing cold in my throat. She ran around as the day before, picked up mushrooms and told me all the things she knew about them.

Around noon, when we sat down for a tea break, Laney ran into the woods without a warning. I called after her but the words were painful in my throat and not very loud outside.

I got up to follow her. I saw her red jacket running from one tree to the next and further into the woods.

I ran after her. She was faster and disappeared from my sight. I kept running and calling her name.

There was a cracking sound to my right.

"Boo!"

I nearly had a heart attack when she jumped from behind the bushes.

"I found you a walking stick!"

We laughed and I thanked Laney for the stick but I made her promise not to run off alone again. I wasn't scared of any creature in the woods - the chance of meeting a bear or anything else that could harm her was pretty small - but I didn't want to lose her somewhere in the wild. She was still a kid and I couldn't stand the thought of ever losing her.

With my cold worsening we were even slower after the break. By 18:00 we still hadn't hiked the distance I had planned for us. It was getting colder again. I knew a nice spot near the river where we could camp and catch a fish for breakfast - but when the sun began to approach the horizon I had to admit that there was no chance of reaching the campsite before dark.

The terrain was hilly so we set our tent up in one of the valleys, just between the hiking trail and a small patch of woods that would catch most of the wind for us.

I told Laney that she could climb the hill to look at the sunset. She preferred to help me set up the tent. Then, together, we collected firewood and Laney showed me what the girl scouts had taught her about making a proper campfire.