Am I Cursed??

I always believe that I was cursed.

Cursed to the highest extent.

Cursed with those species that I would never ever know how to deal with.

Girls.

             It’s not that I am an in-born, of that so called, ‘torpe’ or whatever… I knew in myself that there’s nothing wrong with liking girls. But later on that changed. True, there’s nothing wrong with liking girls, as long as you keep it to yourself.

             I can ask my meanest professor for her number, I can tell a puppy she’s really cute. I can offer my friends mom a ride home, but never, not even once, to a girl. (Am I nuts? My friend’s mom is a girl) Of course I am talking about a girl whom I was crushing on.

            I am the only guy in the family (well, except for my Dad… but he’s been working miles away from us). I have two ridiculously annoying sisters and spending time with them is the last thing I want to do… well, tey all think I’m a geek. I grew up ruining their lives though, that’s why they never admit I’m their brother. All my friends say I shouldn’t do that because my sisters could help me in finding girlfriends. But no thanks. I rather die single than to ask my wicked sister for help.

I liked some girls before, and if falling in love means uncontrollable numbness when she’s around, fast and loud heart beat and constant stuttering… yes, I’ve fallen in love a hundred time.

            Back when I was six, I remember. I had a crush on my eldest sister’s playmate. She was ten then and I liked her because she told me I was the cutest boy in the whole universe. Since I’m my eldest nightmare, She told her (my first crush) that I wet my bed. I heard her blurter out a loud ‘YUCK’ which eventually broke my young innocent heart and never talked to her again.

      In my elementary years, I can’t remember a day when I actually thought of girls. All my classmates are…um… uninteresting. I just find them too skinny. I went to an all boys school in my high school. I am glad that the clique where I belong doesn’t care much on having relationship just to brag that they have a girlfriend. All that we cared for are computer games, anime and super difficult math problems.

Just before I graduated, my elementary classmate (ex-classmate, a girl) asked me to be her prom date. She’s my friend but I haven’t seen her for years because we went different schools. I refused. I don’t even know what prom is! But she insisted. I remembered her as the pale skinny girl sitting in front of me but when she went to our house to convince me she grew to a really pretty lady. I fell in love for the second time. I agreed to be her prom date.

  I wanted to make her prom special. I picked her up at her place, gave her flowers, pretended that I’m enjoying the party and give her a ride home. I was about to tell her I want us to be friends and spend time with each other until she revealed that I was her final resort. The world crashed in front of me. Final resort?… like. “I would go with this guy than to go to the prom alone and look stupid”. She kinda gave me a hint that she only want us to be friends and that I shouldn’t go far. That night was the first time I went to a lame prom, the first time I got rejected and the first time I got drunk (I went to a friend’s house right after she dumped me and he said drinking is the best remedy.)

I graduated from high school broken hearted.

            When we went to college, I don’t know why but all my friends evolved except for me. They rather talk to girls over the phone than to listen how I surpassed a monster in level 8. They collect girl’s phone numbers the way we collect Pokemon cards way back in high school. That time, I thought, if you want to grow up and be a man, you have to knowhow to impress a girl.

            The first time I tried to ask a girl for her number, she harshly said “search for it in the telephone directory”… I asked her nicely. I even made up something like the guidance councilor asked me to ask you for your number just to look like I’m not forcing her. I don’t know why she got angry.

           The first time I told a girl she’s cute came out of nowhere. We were talking about the previous episode of Lost when the words “I really think you’re cute” came out of my mouth. She didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect it either. She frowned and told me that the word cute is only meant for puppies.

           After many unsuccessful girls’ encounters, I decided to give up all the confidence I’ve been collecting and go to the Dark Side… literally. The Dark Side where no girls would notice me and tear my heart apart. I decide to sit with those boys in the cafeteria whom call themselves “Torpe Club” thought I would never consider myself as one of them… I’m just tired of rejection.

I accepted the fact that I will grow old , miserable and alone.

            I really don’t understand why girls have to be that cruel. How could they tell a guy he’s not worth it, directly? How could they be so frank? Boys have feelings too and they do get hurt. Why are they too comfortable hurting a guy’s feeling?

            Its not that I stopped admiring someone, I just kept my admiration to myself.

            On my third year of college, I met this nice girl. She was my seatmate in one of my classes. She’s pretty and she smiles a lot. We always had good conversation and I always put in mind not to let the words “I like you” slipped out.

I never asked her for her number (but I already have it since a friend gave it to me) and I never blurted out that she’s a cutie. I never asked her out, not even lunch. I thought everything’s flowing just fine because we became good friends. I’m happy with my decision of being… well… mysterious. She calls me just to know if I’m okay, she asks me if we could hang out together… she even befriends my sisters. I’m not really good at this but I think she likes me but I never made a move… what if I’m wrong? I might lose the friendship, I might lose her.

            My friends kept on asking me why I am not courting her… I can’t say that I’m scared of rejection because they’ll definitely think I’m a coward. I just say. It’s not my call…that I’m contented with being friends and I’m not ready to make a step forward. They told me I might miss the chance. They all make sense but I’m really scared to take the risk.

             Before the semester ended, I found out that she’ll not be my classmate anymore. This whole I’m scared thingy vanished. I told myself, being a man means taking the risk and accepting the outcome. If she’s going to dump me, fine… at least I tried. If she’ll tell me that I ruined the friendship and she doesn’t ever want to see me again, it’s up to her. It’s better to let these feelings out than to hide it for the rest of my life.

             With my knees shaking, I told her everything. I know I look so stupid because I couldn’t talk straight and clear. I know she’ll turn me down because she kept on frowning. But then she gave me a smile and told me she’s feeling the same way… She just thought that I am not interested.

              I am so happy with I did. Looking back, I realized that those girls didn’t dumped me after all. The problem is just with me. If I wasn’t scared I wouldn’t have labeled myself as cursed.

             Girls will always be girls, and they can never resist a guy who knows how to stand up for himself and know how to wait.