and then you left // cth

chapter 14: the perks of living alone

calum

I flinch when something stabs my shoulder, my world going from black to blurry as my eyes shoot open.

Ashton and Michael are standing next to my bed, an unreadable look on their faces as they stare at me with concern.

I fell asleep while listening to music. I guess my playlist ended, as my earbuds are still on, but nothing is playing. My light is still on, and I'm lying with all of my clothes from yesterday still on, on top of the covers.

I must have been tired.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?" I ask them, my morning voice cracking. I reach up and rub my eyes, the blanket slipping off my bare arms in the process.

"We used the key," Michael said, dismissively. " You haven't been showing up for practice, or answered any of our texts for days, Calum," he informed me of this as if I wasn't already aware, and his gaze flicks to my guitar which sits on its stand untouched, next to my bass.

"Yeah come on. Luke went on a date or something so the three of us should go get food." Ash continues with a grin. I roll over and bury my face in my pillow, wanting to stay in bed forever.

"Luke went on a date?" I mumble into the pillow. Luke really wasn't one for dating. He liked to be friends with the girl before that, but maybe he's changed.

I know I have.

"Yeah," Mike tells me. "We all met her last night, but you were too busy. Wait, Ashton said you were sick. You don't seem sick."

I sit up as he sees through the lie that I've used for the past few days, or months. He's right, I'm not sick, at least not in the way that he thinks. But ever since Mali told me that Lex is back, and here, of all places, I've stayed in bed, ignoring the world. Going anywhere outside of my apartment would mean there's a small chance of running into Lex. And as much as I want to see her, I wouldn't know what to say or do. Where to even begin.

And that would probably fuck both of us up even more than we already are.

With a glance at my phone, I realize I've been asleep for twenty- two hours.

The perks of living alone.

On my dresser, something catches my eye. It takes me a moment to figure out what it is, as I'm a bit far from it and my vision is cloudy from the last day that I've spent asleep.

It's the picture I stared at for so long before I slept.

It's of Lex.

I have to put it away before the guys see it. I never told them what happened, what I did. Hell, they never even met Lex or knew the full story. I told Luke a lot about her, but because of the fact that we lived two states away, they never met. The same went for Ash and Michael; the four of us were friends a few years ago, and then I moved to Washington.

And then I moved back after it all went down after I singlehandedly broke the heart of the love of my life.

I took the picture when we spent a week at my grandparent's house last year. They only had one guest bedroom, so we shared a room, and a bed. It was so fun to live with her for a week; My grandparents loved her, they were so happy that I'd found a "very sweet girl to spend my life with".

And then I fucked it all up and obliterated everything in my wake.

"So, you in?" Ash asks me. I snap out of my daze and try my best to focus on the question, but it. It's hard for me to focus on anything, really, to think of anything other than both the pain I am feeling and the pain that I've caused.

It takes too long to jog my memory before I know what he's asking.

"Yeah, sounds good." I lie, but my stomach growls at the promise of food, which pretty much seized to matter after everything happened, along with everything else.

Lex always preferred fast food to a fancy sit down restaurant, one of the things I loved about her. She thought that waiters were underpaid and didn't want to support such an industry. She didn't want or expect much from anyone but deserved so much more than what she got.

Especially on my part.

As an image of her clouds my mind, tears threaten to fall. I try to wipe them away, not wanting my friends to notice, not wanting them to see what I was feeling.

But Ashton noticed. He always does, dammit.

"Uh, Mike? Could you go order us some pizzas?" Ash requests and turns to Mike. I manage to fake a smile as Michael's eyes light up at the promise of his favorite food.

"Yeah!" He answers excitedly, whipping out his phone and exiting the room. Ashton closes the door behind him and sits next to me in the bed.

Ashton is really the only one who understands my situation, despite my never telling him about it. There are some things that words can't explain. But he used to struggle with how others viewed him, and always seemed to have scars, both physical ones and emotional ones that you could only see if you were close to him, as I was.

He tried to end it all, once. But little brother found him and since then he's gotten a lot better. He's almost a year clean, now, and I'm proud of him.

He was able to recover.

Unlike me. I don't deserve to recover. I don't deserve anything except the pain that I was already enduring.

"Calum? What's wrong?" He asks gently, careful not to pry. I turn away from him, trying so hard not to look at the picture, or at him. I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone. Telling him would mean it actually happened. And he'd never be able to look at me the same.

Even though that's what I deserve, I can't lose him. He's all I have, in a sense.

"Nothing." I lie right through my teeth, focusing on not breaking down. We have these types conversation too often, now. And this is always my answer, although it couldn't be further from the truth.

"Cal," he begins, and I can tell he's going to give me one of his speeches about excepting the help I'm offered and shit. But at that moment, Michael comes back in the room, along with a grin.

"The pizzas are on the way!" He announces, oblivious to the look of pain in my face, and the pity on Ashton's.

"Yay." Is all I can manage to say, sarcasm and sadness dripping from my tone.