StarChaser// Jegulus||✔️

James

TW: Depictions of a war zone, depictions of death/murder, depictions of violence and violent language, mentions of broken bones, depictions of grief
All is fair in love and war
Except it isn't
I've always thought that that saying was stupid, because how can you compare the two and find a single similarity between them?
However, when you find yourself in the midst of a battle, fighting in a war for what you believe in, you finally understand the similarities, but you still don't get the saying.
At least, I don't.
Because nothing is fair in love or war.
You can love someone so fiercely and in a split second they're ripped from you and you no longer understand why you put so much effort into loving them so hard when you were only going to lose them to war.
Today I fought a battle in Essex and it went something like this:
We arrived and immediately, chaos ensued. I almost felt disoriented, the whole thing felt somewhat like an out of body experience, as though I wasn't really present, I was just acting on instinct.
The first Death Eater I came across was easy to beat, I hit them with curse after curse before they could even exhale and I swiftly moved on.
I then came across Bellatrix Lestrange...again, and she is not at all happy to see me.
"Come back for more have you, Pumpkin?" Asks Bellatrix in a taunting tone
"I just love the thrill of beating you" I reply
Bellatrix cackles "Oh you do like to play! I like you, it's such a shame I have to kill you, we could have fun together me and you" Bellatrix states, almost elated by the whole ordeal
"Sorry, Bella, you're not exactly my type" I reply
"That makes killing you a weency bit easier" Bellatrix states with a laugh as she raises her wand and sends a curse my way which I manage to dodge.
I then send a disarming spell her way which she blocks. We go back and forth a few times before I conjure up a fiendfyre curse that forms the shape of a stag and chases her away from me, allowing me to move on.
The battle lasts for hours and we almost see the end of it and it's looking favourable for the Order considering there is more of us left as many Death Eaters got too injured to continue fighting and a fair few of the dark creatures retreated out of fear of losing.
However, there are still a lot of angry Death Eaters, determined to win this battle.
I find my Dad trying to take on both Narcissa and Bellatrix at the same time so I step in to help him, letting Dad take on Bellatrix while I take on Narcissa.
I throw spell after spell, but she's just as good as I am and she never lets up, she just blocks my spells and throws new ones my way. I can respect a good duelist, but it is extremely annoying that she isn't just a tiny bit weaker than me, because I can feel tiredness creeping up on me and that is a dangerous feeling to experience during war, especially during a battle.
The next part of the battle seems to play out in my head in slow motion.
I finally manage to hit Narcissa with a Patrificus Totalus hex and she falls flat on her back, frozen in place, giving me the small reprieve I had been fighting for.
However, Dad is still going up against Bellatrix, who is clearly an excellent duelist to have maintained a duel with my Dad for this long.
Although, I stop seeing her as an excellent duelist in a matter of moments and I soon grow to feel an anger and a hatred toward her, because what she does next is unfathomable and unforgivable.
"Avada Kedavra" She says with such ferocity it startles us both.
It startles us both
Dad is caught off guard and he isn't quick enough.
The problem is, is that for me it happens in slow motion.
I would have taken his place, I would have taken that curse, I would have pushed him out of the way.
I would have
I would have
I would have
Hindsight is a wonderful and an awful thing.
There's no point in saying what I would have done, because what matters is what I didn't do.
I didn't take his place, I didn't take that curse, I didn't push him out of the way.
Instead I stood and watched, the battle continuing on around me, yet so distant from me as the scene before me takes place so painstakingly slowly.
The killing curse sails through the air and hits my Dad square in the chest.
For a second he stares straight at me. A look of shock, love and despair on his face as he looks at me, his son, for the last time.
He looks at me for the last time.
The last time.
Because I watch his body hit the floor.
I watch my Dad's body hit the floor.
My Dad is dead.
He's dead.
I scream.
I don't feel like I'm really here, but I know that I scream because I can feel the scream in my chest as my chest caves in with the weight of the grief.
I run for Bellatrix who is cackling.
She's laughing.
She just murdered my Dad and she's laughing
I'll make her pay for it.
I'll make her suffer.
I will kill her.
I catch up to her as her clothes catch on some rubble and she trips.
I pin her down.
She's still laughing.
"Whatcha gonna do, Pumpkin?" Asks Bellatrix
"I'll kill you!" I scream in her face and before she can crack a smile I drive my fist into her face. She screeches in pain, but I'm not finished.
I stand and lift up my leg, sending it down so hard that my foot hits her leg and it cracks.
She screams in pain again.
I drive my foot down again for good measure and I can feel the bone in her leg crack.
"You'll be sorry you ever fucking lived" I spit as I throw another punch to her jaw.
I lift up my wand and I'm going to kill her.
You have to mean it, right?
Well, I fucking mean it.
I lift my wand, I point it at her chest, the same place the curse hit Dad, so that she can get a taste of her own medicine.
But before I can breathe I'm taken away.
I'm taken away.
I find myself back in the entrance hall with Dumbledore.
"What did you do?" I ask vehemently
"You were about to make a mistake" Dumbledore replies
"Send me back! Send me back right now. I'm not fucking joking send me back and let me finish what I started" I all but shout
"James, you don't want to stoop to their level" Dumbledore tries to reason
"You don't know what I want. I want to go back, send me back right fucking now. SEND ME BACK" I scream at him.
Maybe I'm crying.
I don't know, I can't tell, I can't feel much of anything except this soul crushing grief and blood boiling anger.
And let me tell you, grief and anger can make an ugly mix.
"I can't do that James" Dumbledore is so calm. How the fuck is he so calm?
"SEND ME BACK! SHE KILLED MY DAD, SEND ME BACK" I scream.
I try to run for the door but someone catches me and for a moment I kick and scream before I see who it is that's holding me.
"Sweetheart, you need to stay here" My Mum says softly in my ear.
"You brought back my Mum to stop me?" I ask, turning back to Dumbledore
"I knew she would be able to help, I knew you wouldn't listen to me, but I know you'll listen to her" Dumbledore replies
"Mum, you have to let me go back, please" I beg
"Darling, you're in no state to go back" Mum replies
"If you knew what she did" I begin but she shakes her head at me
"I heard you, James, I saw him on the field. I know he's gone, but I also know that he would not have wanted you to become a murderer in his name" Mum replies, holding my shoulders and looking at me so solemnly.
I can see the tears welling in her eyes that are so desperate to wet her cheeks, the tears she won't set free and let fall.
"He should have lived. It should have been me. I could have saved him and I didn't. I could have taken his place and I didn't" I admit weakly as my anger fizzles out and my grief consumes me.
It feels like someone has dropped a boulder on my chest because all I can feel is this heavy weight on my chest and rib cage, I feel like I'm suffocating, like there's no air, because all my air has been robbed of me by grief.
"No, don't talk like that. I am so so glad it wasn't you. I'm so sorry and beyond devastated that it had to be your Father, but James, we couldn't have carried on without you" Mum replies, swiping her thumbs over my cheeks to rid me of my tears because now I know for sure that I am crying.
"How am I supposed to carry on without him?" I ask, with a small crack in my voice
"You take it one day at a time" Mum replies softly "You should head to the hospital wing" Mum adds.
I know that she just wants a few moments alone to grieve.
So I don't argue.
"I'll escort him there" Dumbledore adds.
I clench my jaw.
How dare he talk to my Mother when he wouldn't let me avenge her husband's death.
He has some nerve.
I hate him.
I don't hate many people.
But I hate Albus Dumbledore.
When we reach the doors of the hospital wing, Dumbledore turns to leave, but I'm not quite finished with him yet.
"I just want you to know" I begin, and he turns to face me, ready to hear what I have to say
"That I despise every fibre of your being. When I'm fighting in this war, I'm fighting for myself, for the people I love and the people I've lost. I am not doing this for you, I won't be doing any more favors for you and I will do no more of my bidding. I had some respect left for you but today you obliterated that. I will never look up to you. In my story you will always be the true villain. I hope you know that, and I hope the guilt of what you've done eats away at you. I hope you can't sleep at night. I hate you, truly, I do" I continue, venom tainting every word that spills out of my mouth because in this moment I am filled with grief and hatred.
And let me tell you, much like grief and anger, grief and hatred are an ugly mix.
"I think you should rest, James, you've had a difficult day" is all Dumbledore says before he walks away.
He walks away and leaves me at the doors of the hospital wing.
I step into the hospital wing and I let Madam Pomfrey fuss over me. I do as she says.
But really, I'm not here, not truly. My head is fuzzy and my ears are ringing, my face is neutral and my eyes are empty.
Because I'm not here.
I'm back on the battlefield reliving every second of my Dad's murder, trying to see where I could have helped, how he could have been saved.
I lay in my hospital bed and let myself get eaten away, bite by bite, by grief and guilt.
I lay in my hospital bed and let myself waste away.
I lay in my hospital bed with no intention of leaving, because I feel numb and my body feels like lead and I don't want to face reality anymore.
All is fair in love and war.
Except it isn't

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Hello there my lovelies!

Rip Fleamont :(
Ik you guys are not going to be happy with me but like it would be so unrealistic of me to write about a war where someone suffers no losses.
Obviously, I've been putting Regulus and Barty THROUGH IT, but James has kind of been let off easy so far and I think he needed to experience this level of grief for him to finally see and understand the full weight and reality of the war he's fighting.
Also, yes, if Dumbledore had have been seconds later, James would have killed Bellatrix, he probably would have done it with his bare hands tbh but Dumbledore didn't want James to taint his soul in that way, especially by using an unforgivable.
But James asking to go back is so heartbreaking to me he feels so guilty for Fleamont and it really wasn't his fault there was nothing he could have done but it's also important to recognize the different emotions people experience in grief.
Also to address something completely unrelated to this chapter, a few of you have pointed out that Barty using sex as a coping mechanism isn't healthy and I agree it isn't but it is so so important to recognise that not all coping mechanisms are healthy and not everyone deals with things in a healthy manner to start with, but they can still
end up on a healthy path.
Anyway, this was a heartbreaking chapter and I am actually very sorry for that because I love Fleamont but you know, I have to get angst somewhere...
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this one (if you could??)!! I'll catch you in the next one! Until then, have a great day my loves!

Stay wonderful!

All my everlasting love,
Blue <3