Beneath You're Beautiful

tally

My name is Lia Mayson and I don't want to die.

As I look up at the ceiling, tears in my eyes, I roll the thought around in my skull.

I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.

"You have so much left to live for," they say. "It would be a waste of potential, think of all the experiences left for you to discover!"

But really, how can I tell the liars from those who tell the truth?

At 13 I was making my own decisions. "She always was a bright little girl!" I heard.

At 14 I had my future planned out, it was I bright I was told.

At 15 things started to darken. Whites turned to murky greys but there was still a glow around the outside. "Keep pushing, the grass is always greener on the other side," my mind would tell me. The voice was but a whisper.

At 16 I started to lose grip. Of friends, of family, of school. Of reality. "It's still worth a shot," my mind would encourage. But the greys were still getting darker. Things began to feel too hard. The whisper became soft spoken.

Until I was seventeen, as I am now, when everything went black and all was lost. My life was spiralling out of control. There was no one left to save me in this tiny little world and I didn't have the courage or energy to try and do it myself. That soft spoken voice began aggressive. A roar, a scream.

Just do it.

But tonight, like every night, I lie on the stained blue-grey carpet of the bedroom of the house I have been trapped in my whole life and think to myself, I don't want to die.

No, not yet. I don't want to die.

And like every time since it happened, I turn, rise and carve yet another tally mark into my skirting board.

84 tally marks.
84 sleepless nights.
84 tear stained cheeks.

84 times I have lied.
84 times I have done what scares me so much to do.

84 times I have lived.

☁

Thoughts??

Idk man this could turn out really bad. It's really rough copy and for now I'm kind of just seeing what works. Is it too much too soon? Is it too obvious? Too whingy and not at all what I was hoping for?

Probably.

I hope for feedback and help and I just want to find a way to make what's in my brain go on the page without sounding terrible. You feel?

Anyways thank you for reading,

-Jen