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context: the same night tyler and rakim argued on the phone, just alot later. (chapter 8/viii)
the fans whirring in franks room. its cold outside. but tylers warm. too warm. maybe its the beers. hes probably a few sips away from passing out. everyones gone now; its sometime past midnight. his phone has rung maybe twenty times. he thinks he'll get screamed at when he gets home. he never wants to go home.
"he doesnt wanna date me." he croaks out, for maybe the fifth time that night. franks realised hes so drunk he doesnt know if the next wave of emotions thats building up inside is gonna come out in a laughter or an entire breakdown. thats worse for frank than it is for him. he has to be careful with every word, every actuon, every i know.
"i know." frank says. tylers laying on his bed, huddled back in that blanket. frank's sat beside him, to make sure he doesnt choke or some shit, and also try to get him to shut up and go to bed.
it hasnt worked. hes tried agreeing with him, hes tried disagreeing with him, hes tried letting him cry it out but its been five cry-it-outs and tylers still awake, just way way drunker.
hes upset. of course hes upset: frank would be upset too. rakim's left him with some confusing ass speech about how he loves him but cant be with him and how he actually has a girlfriend. frank would be more than upset.
"he has a girlfriend. kali. her names kali. she has black hair. shes pretty as fuck." he hiccups. frank looks at him, feles this sense of dread in his gut.
"what do you think?" tyler slurs out, looking at him.
he frowns. "i think rakims a dickhead who doesnt realise what he lost." he says, and watches how tylers drunken eyes slightly twinkle. "your an amazing person. your funny, your talented, your perfect, ty. anyone would be grateful to have you. anyone should be grateful to have you. and you shouldnt settle for someone like that."
theres a pause. for a moment, its felt like tylers fallen asleep and frank almost feels relieved; despite the sudden heavy beating of his heart.
"..frank?" tyler croaks out, eventually.
frank nods at him. "yeah?"
"do you like me?"
he feels his face suddenly heat up. "what?! no? i was just saying -"
he grins at him. "i know you like me."
frank frowns at him again, suddenly feeling stupid. "i dont like you. im just trying to make you feel better."
"so that stuff you said isnt true?"
"of course its true -"
"so you think im perfect. and..and the other stuff."
"and talented. and funny. i think your all those things." frank adds, realising hes making the situation worse. tyler smiles at him again.
"i wish you felt this way about me before i met rakim."
that leaves this nasty bittersweet feeling in franks tongue. "i always felt this way about you, ty." he says, softer this time.
"why didn't you tell me?" tyler mumbles. hes drawing circles with the tip of his fingertips of franks palm.
"i dont know." he admits, feeling a sudden wave of regret. "what would you have done if i told you?"
"i don't know." tyler echoes. "i - i probably would have fallen in love with you...and gone through the whole gay crisis shit again, but alot earlier. and itd probably easier cause you know...bout it. and we probably wouldve gone to see movies together, and get ice cream together, and we would like...do couple shit and eat burgers and skateboard and ride our bikes together. and i wouldve gotten you somethin' for valentines day, and your birthday, and christmas even tho i dont believe in jesus or whatever. and it probably wouldve been nice...really nice...."
theres something stuck in franks throat. he cant talk for a moment.
"...really?" he finally says.
theres no answer. frank sits there for a moment before he hears light snoring. he should be relieved; tylers finally worked himself out and got to sleep. but he really isnt. infact, he himself gets no sleep. the entire night is spent with the fan running, franks mind running even harder, thinking about what could've been while tylers out cold beside him; snoring loud n' heavy.
