Dreams that Scar

I am restless tonight. I am leaving tomorrow, leaving to fulfill my life long dream. But why is leaving so difficult, knowing that you’ll be leaving a few scars when you go? We never expected to fall in love. Who ever does? Was it really accidental, you bumping into me in the train station? Was it really meant to be between us, even though we knew our dreams would tear us apart? My bags are packed, my clothes are ready.

I shift my position on the bed. What could he be doing now? Is he as restless as I am, knowing that I would be gone in just a few hours? I feel tears coming to my eyes and let them seep into my pillow. Why should I cry such bitter tears when I know that he’ll be able to move on without me? Is it this difficult, choosing between two things that I know will change my life in such a great magnitude? I cry myself to sleep tonight…

~

I walk along the train platform, heavily dragging my bag behind me. I stop, seeing him stand up from our usual bench and giving me a smile. I slowly near him. I didn’t expect him to be here.

“You really are going?” he says.

I nod, trying to hold back the tears, knowing that talking about goodbyes will make them fall. Without saying anything, he takes my bag and leads me near the boarding platform.

“You don’t have to carry my bag.” I said.

He ignores my remark and reaches into pocket and pulls out an envelope. He hands it to me, and I take it, hoping that he doesn’t notice my trembling fingers. The train rolls in, and I dread the moment when I have to leave him. I don’t pull for the envelope, and neither does he let go of it. As the train rolls in we stay there, staring at each other. I swallow the lump in my throat as the train slows down to a stop and the doors hiss open.

Finally, he lets go, and I put it in my pocket. Then he hands me my bag.

“Go on, get out of here.” He says.

“Just a little bit longer…” I whisper.

He smiles and gives me a nod. I smile back and then step in the doorway and turn to look at him.

“You take care of yourself.” He says.

I nod. “I’ll see you around, then.” I reply.

He smiles, and the doors slide close. He pumps his fist into the air, and mouth you can do it. I smile and feel the tears coming. The train starts to move and he walks alongside it, giving me an encouraging smile. I press my forehead on the glass, trying to take one last look at him. I see that he too is trying to stop his tears, but he still smiles, waiting for me to leave his sight.

I sit down on the nearest seat and pull out the envelope. I run my fingers along it, knowing that he were the last one to touch it. I carefully open it and start reading.

It’s already midnight, and I’m still up, trying to find the right things to say, knowing that you’ll be leaving tomorrow. I won’t make it any more difficult for you, by asking you to stay here with me. Instead I plan to see you off tomorrow, to give you a push into the right direction. I plan to put here in this letter what I truly feel about you.

Was it really only a year ago when we first bumped into each other? It was at the old station, and I know that when you’re reading this, you would have already left, parting at the very place where we first met. I won’t make it harder because I know that you’ll always be at my side. I understand why you’re leaving. And I’ll do the right thing by making you go, because I love you.

Before I end this, I just want to say one thing: your beauty and purity of heart has changed everything in my life. Thank you. Thank you, for being a part of it, even if it was only for a short time.

I hope you get what you’ve been working so hard for, and know that I will always be here to encourage you in times of anxiety. Loneliness may visit you sometime, but remember that a few miles from you, I’ll be here feeling lonely too. I’ll always remember you, and how your smile always gives me a bit of encouragement when I worry about you.

          I love you,

          Anagami

I wipe the tears that are clouding my vision. Looking up, I observe the people around me. A boy glances at his phone, smiling, probably reading a message from his girlfriend. I see a man rolling out a drawing made by his child. It is then when I realize that I’m not the only one who’ll be leaving scars.

I kiss the envelope and put it into my pocket, knowing that it will be the reason why I will be able to come back home, having fulfilled my life long dream, and remember the boy who made it all happen…