It aways happens.
No matter what I do.
My heart, it blackens.
I thought I grew.
Grew past these old faults.
I thought I moved on.
But it was all just locked in my vaults.
Pushed back so the thoughts wouldn't spawn.
I can't not mess up my own life.
I really thought I improved as a person.
But I still get tempted by the knife.
And as time goes on, the thoughts only worsen.
I only have myself to blame.
I need to hide these feelings to spare others.
I need to hide my shame.
But this feeling, it always smothers.
There is torture afoot, but it is only towards me.
I'm back at square one.
Back where I never felt free.
Trapped in my thoughts, where I cannot run.
I can never escape from sabotaging all I care for.
It's a habit I really wish I could break.
I really hate having this internal war.
I can't stop making mistake after mistake.
"I'm only human," I need to keep saying.
I need to allow myself to fuck up.
But these mistakes I make, I'm always replaying.
Always making me squirm like a little pup.
I can't ever keep my mouth shut.
Everything I say turns things bad.
I really don't want to cut.
But of course, I do get extremely sad.
Despite all this, I am better.
I am in a happier state.
I am more of a go getter.
And yet, I still contain so much hate.
The only people I blame for my sorrows are me, myself, and I.
No one else deserves to deal with my shit.
No, I don't want to die.
My life just sometimes feels like one big skit.
This reminds me of the old times.
Back when I first started writing.
When I had to make sure everything rhymes.
Where everything always ended with intense feelings igniting.
Despite everything happening, I like where I'm at.
I've experienced many new events.
Ones that lessons' still never fall flat.
I hope it prevents.
Prevents me from causing anymore issues.
Issues for both me and those I care about.
I'm tired of needing tissues.
At this point I'm just hoping I can sprout.
Sprout into what I've always been destined to be.
Until then, I hope my self sabotaging doesn't keep having a resurgence.
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
Stale Words
Puisi𝚂𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚎 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜 is an ongoing book and collection of poems and sonnets made by me, inspired by my thoughts, dreams, and personal experiences. As someone who lives with depression and anxiety, a lot of my thoughts are bound to not be very pleas...
