the truth

i'm sitting at one of the cold metal benches outside the police station, there's a woman sitting beside me trying to talk. it's cold under my thighs, i focus on that instead of the womans voice.

it is currently 2am and i had just been droven here. it was too light here. it made my headache worse.

the lady was still trying to get me to answer. i took my knees up to my chest, trying to continue to ignore her. it was cold outside, but i didn't want to go inside. 

"we can talk about how this happened later, do you think we can go inside? wash your face so it won't be as cold." she said it with a smile, the type you can hear in someones voice. she wanted to wash the blood off my face. i don't know where excatly the cut is, but its somewhere i have hair, i can feel my blood drying in it. even though i knew i should answer her, i'm not able to get my voice to work. 

she seemed nice, but it was weird. but i still couldn't get my voice to work. this is relatively normal for me, not being able to talk. as soon as someone expected me to answer it was like my voice dissapeared, or that it got stuck in my throat and chocked me. it hurt when i tried, thats why i didn't even bother right now. this problem of mine is why i'm here, kind of.

my father always gets mad when i don't answer, and when i start thinking of his rage, it feels like my throat closes up, and it doesn't just get impossible to asnwer, i also get trouble breathing in these sutuations. its frustrating, but i heavn't died yet, so i can live with it. 

i thought i could at least. but now that i'm here, maybe i can't?

but no matter that, what i should focus on right now is the woman beside me who was finally quiet, allowing me to process what she said. i knew i wouldn't be able to reply verbally, so i didn't try. instead, i planted my feet on the ground again, and stood up. i had my head bent downwards, but turned so my body was facing her. 

she stood up right after me and took a few steps towards the entrence before she turned back to face me again, "it'll go okay, now let me see that cut, hm?"

i slowly nodded my head, it hurt moving my head but i wanted to answer one way or another. i could feel how much warmer it got as soon as we got in, and sighed in annoyance as to why i had been to stubborn to walk in with her earlier.

we walked slowly in the direction of where she wanted to take me while she introduced herself, her name was sooyun. (a perfect lotus flower)

"my favorite flower is the lotus flower so i don't think my parents could've given me a name i'd be more happy with." it seems like she is trying hard to make me comfortable... and it was kind of working, to be honest.

"i-it's my f-favorite as-as well.." i whispered it, but sooyun stopped walking for at least three seconds before realizing that making a big deal out of it would probably make me stop talking again. she smiled "what's your name?" she started walking again.

"miyeon." (pretty, beautiful) i said and looked up at sooyun, giving her a small smile before quickly looking away again. talking seemed to be getting a little easier though. "it fits you -- you look like a miyeon, you're very pretty" i don't know if i compleatly believe her, since i have blood running down on one side of my face, but i choose not to think too much about it. i only gave a small smile again.

she took me in a small room, it was full of bandages and other stuff for wounds -- then she made me sit on a small chair beside the sink, why it was in the room i had no idea. it didn't fit.

she placed herself at my side in front of the sink after she got what she needed. "tell me if it hurts when i touch your head, okay? since i can't see the cut i'll need to touch your hair." she explained while washing her hands to not get any bacteria in the slit. 

after i confirmed i heard what she said, she carefully touched the top of my forehead on the left side. i had to get sooyun to stop a few times when it hurt, but she was able to find what she was looking for. i heared her let out a small sigh before she bowed down to look me in the eye, "who did this to you, miyeon?" the question was asked softly, but i still felt myself panic.

i shaked my head, i didn't want to answer. i couldn't tell the truth. if she, a policewoman, got to know that it was my father that threw a glass at my head, i didn't even know what would happen. 

i didn't want to be taken by cps again, it was horrible last time. i couldn't tell sooyun what actually happened today.

"miyeon, was in someone in your family that did this?" my reaction must've given her a good enough answer, since she didn't ask again. she gave me an empathinc look and help her hands out, asking me to come into them. "come here.." she mumbled and i let her hands envelop me. 

i started to cry, not only because the hug made my head hurt more, but because this is the first hug i'd gotten since my biological mom died, and the hug reminded me of her.

"shh, it'll be okay, you don't need to talk to me right now, i understand. i know the truth now." she said it quietly, still hugging me. 

i cried myself to sleep, but, for the first time in ages, there was someone who wanted to help. and for the first time ever, maybe i'd accept it.