Lost With You

Chapter Twenty-Two

Nostalgia descended upon me as we stood amid the dancing psychedelic colors of a teenager’s invigorating oasis, my senses overwhelmed by its distinctive attributes. The walls and corners were lined with a kaleidoscope of arcade game screens while a maze of claw machines occupied the center, trapping anyone who fell victim to their gambling instincts. Like a siren from mythology luring her prey with her entrancing melody, many patrons were enticed by the voices in their head chanting their possibility of winning, inviting them to risk more tokens cabinets after cabinets after failing to obtain a prize.
            The discordance of electronic beeps, clinking and clattering of coins, along with the loud chatters and sporadic victorious cheers inundated the dim room illuminated with neon lights. The catchy tunes of a pop song to complement the ambience were almost obliterated by the cacophony of sounds, hinting to us that vocal communication might not be efficient if we chose not to raise our voices. Despite the inconsequential struggles, I was more than happy to be back here with Jonathan.
            Reminiscing the first and most recent memory we shared of the place, my gaze subconsciously traced the gleam emanating from the line of booths filled with toys. As hypnotized as a small aquatic victim before the radiant allure of an anglerfish's bait, I inched forward to scrutinize the view ahead. My vision fixed itself on a box printed with its hidden contents behind the glass pane, which was a figurine of a video game character I was obsessed over. In an instant, the unwanted truth of a rigged winning chance did not matter to me, because I was set on bringing it home.
            Fueled by an unwavering resolve to achieve my goal, I blindly reached my hand to grab Jonathan’s without breaking contact with the spotted treasure, as if I feared blinking would somehow make it vanish like an illusion. Since all my fingers could seize were air I was inclined to sacrifice a single glance at Jonathan to send my signal across, but before I could turn, his digits collided and intertwined with mine.
            Without warning, I became the person being dragged, now cognizant of the container teeming with metallic discs in his other palm which rattled with every step. He led me to the very skill-testing contraption I had been staring intently at, entered some credits and gestured to me to give it a shot with a confident beam. Influenced by the notion of the countless opportunities I had to capture the merchandise, I twinkled and fiddled with the joystick to maneuver the metal pincers over to my potential encased award while being cautious of the numbers counting down.
            The dangling talons hovered over my coveted possession, ready to plummet on my command. I adjusted its position with a racing heart until I was satisfied with its final location, inhaled deeply and gave the button a quick press to release its hold. While it was almost unfeasible to secure an object at the first try, my faith was stored in my previous experiences which have prepared me for this juncture.
            However, as predicted, it slipped out of the claw’s grip immediately and tumbled on its side, leaving me disappointed yet tempted to gamble away more as the thrill of the challenge got me easily hooked. Jonathan who watched by the side gave me some much needed encouragement which boosted my morale and easily got me to feed the machine more tokens.
            After several attempts, the tantalizing game had unfortunately maintained its title of an elusive adversary and eventually chipped away enough self-esteem to the point I contemplated giving up. Jonathan noticed the internal conflicts caused by the competitiveness and offered to take over which I was more than happy to accept. Exchanging our roles as the player and bystander, Jonathan interlaced his fingers together and stretched his palms to prepare himself for the obstacle ahead.
            Once again, two more coins were surrendered to allow him to showcase his abilities as the next opponent to take up the fight. I observed him mimicking the actions I had been diligently carrying out for the past hour or so with no expectations as he did not manage to prove himself victorious when we last played together. I had foreseen the initially overflowing basket to be entirely empty, all wasted on the same opportunity, but as though we were blessed with a miracle, the claw gripped onto the figurine with all its strength and leisurely transported it over to the big opening, tormenting us with dreaded misplaced faith every millimeter it shifted. It stopped above the gaping aperture and unclasped, dropping our reward with a thump, its stubborn label as an unjust winner accompanying it.
            We had claimed victory.
            “Whoa, you got it!” I grinned, trying to rein back my jittery elation as Jonathan kneeled down to collect it. “Thank you!”
            “I was lucky,” he chuckled. “But you’re welcome.”
            Before he could pass the item to me, a distinctive high-pitched squeal echoed from behind us, clearly possessed by a young boy bubbling with glee. We swiveled around to meet an awestruck child with a gaping mouth, hugging a similar packaging with a different figure portrayed on the front tightly against his chest. His smooth skin free from blemishes, rounded cheeks, slightly chubby limbs, short stature and big, curious, shining ocean orbs all matched the description of a healthy seven year old. He eyed the fruits of our labor with stars in his pupils while clutching onto what was possibly the product of his older relative’s perseverance as well.
            “Can we trade?” he blurted, fidgeting with excitement and expectation. “Please? I really like that character!”
            We interchanged glimpses at each other as if we were telepathically communicating to discuss the best solution to this encounter while the kid stared with only one acceptable outcome in mind. I wrestled with the contrition that pinched me for refusing his request, yet my selfishness had made this an easy battle to conquer. My lips compressed as I drew a blank, not knowing how I could reject him politely or without potentially creating a scene in public.
            Aware of the difficulties I was conflicted with, Jonathan decided he would handle the talking. Placing his hand on firmly my shoulder as if conveying “I got this,” and proffering the figurine which I accepted into my care, he got on one knee to meet the minor’s height. The flesh surrounding his mouth curved upward into a smile that carried an undertone of remorse. Before he could even utter a word, the junior male’s expression contorted to that of profound disillusionment.           
            “I’m sorry, buddy,” Jonathan spoke gently. “But my friend really likes that character too, so we can’t trade with you.”
            “But . . . But . . .” His bottom lip quivered in silent plea and his tiny hands clenched, as if he was threatening to deploy his last resort which ignited my fear of creating a spectacle amid the crowd. Somehow, he did not erupt into tears nor did he throw any tantrums, but rather, he collected himself and casted his eyes at the floor. “Okay . . .”
            “Jeremy!”
            My heart leaped at the echo of a female’s delicate voice who beckoned me through the transcension of time, and for a fleeting moment, I clasped onto the flicker of hope for the impossible. In that fragile second where the world seemingly stopped spinning, the line between reality and wishful thinking blurred. Praying that perhaps the universe had acknowledged my sorrows and had conspired to grant me just this one desire, my sight ascended to greet the lady.
            Sadly, life retained its cruel nature and empathized nobody.
            I knew that it was fantasy just to hear Mom say my name again.
            “Jeremy, it’s dangerous to wander off like that!” The mother admonished her son whom she had picked up, her inflection tinged with a trace of relief. “I’m sorry, I hope he didn’t bother you boys too much.”
            Jonathan’s conversation with the worried parent soon became a distant murmur that blended with the background that slipped through my ability to comprehend. While they continued mouthing to one another, I looked longingly at the pair of strangers who had approached us. Behind my glossy, desolate eyes, the plaintive images of my childhood with Mom replaced the scene in my foreground, where little me held onto her just as tightly.
            The woman pivoted to depart from us, and yet again, the faint ticks of a clock elongated, but not long enough to freeze everything around me. Even though I was caged within a pandemonium, the clacking produced by the heels colliding with the ground dominated the chaos and kept ringing in my ears. An overwhelming urge to thrust my arm out to her washed over me as vivid delusions symbolizing Mom’s egress glazed my cornea, but the sobering effect of actuality subdued the impulse.
            I helplessly scanned the throng where she had disappeared into, harassed by the suffocating solitude that abutted me, trapping me in a sphere that separated me from the rest. Before the darkness could force me into submission, an unexpected light nudge to my upper arm hauled me out of the shroud and snapped me back to the present.
            “I know our names are common, but who would’ve thought that kid was named Jeremy too?” Jonathan laughed.
            I blinked at him, as if I was slow at comprehending his speech, but swiftly adjusting back to my consciousness, I mustered up the courage to tepidly display some of my pearly whites. “I know, even I got confused for a moment.”
            Easily, his natural smile vanished once he realized the static behind the screen to my soul and paused, pondering his decisions. However, instead of inquiring if I was okay as anticipated, he suggested, “Wanna play for a little while more before exploring this place?”
            Somewhat relieved, I nodded despite being drained of the energy I once had, but the warmth of his smile which I had caught bestowed some sort of solace, as if it was an indirect way of assuring me that things would be fine. Without Mom’s existence, I had been tortured by the loneliness that haunted me, but while Jonathan’s companionship could never be a substitute for Mom’s, my isolation was quelled with him around.
            After pouring out all the remnants of our credits from its holder on a random variety of entertaining services provided, we squeezed through the sea of unknown faces to the exit and ambled through the rows of shops. Jonathan led the way as if he was accustomed to the route to a specific outlet, but his phlegmatic guise was soon discovered when we had to backtrack our path twice or when he had to abruptly halt to scratch the top of his head. I soon questioned his sense of direction to which he retorted claiming I doubted him too much.
            I could only follow his tracks with a dwindling trust for every reverse we had to make during our supposedly uncomplicated journey to a store. Strangely, he would not even spare a hint to where specifically we were headed, so even with a talent in navigating, it would be futile. After strolling aimlessly for the past minutes, we finally found the vicinity of our next stop and unsurprisingly, it was a popular retail chain store known for their distribution of newly announced gaming consoles, renowned video games and a diversity of toys including official goods.
            I was not new to this company as I had come across them on several occasions and I had even bought from them once. Whenever I stumble upon such serendipity, I would explore their shelves to secretly plot on what to persuade Dad to purchase for my next birthday. Even if I had no intentions of contributing to sales that day, simply savoring the assortment of collections pleased me with a satisfaction comparable to that of owning one of these treasures.
            Wonderstruck into silence, I found my legs transporting me down each aisle, as though a switch had been flipped inside me to set my movements in motion like a marionette pulled by invisible strings. Seduced by greed, I ran the tips of my fingers along the smooth edges of several boxes, even retrieving a few of them off the shelves to caress them when the transient flawless gloss against the pads of my digits was not sufficient.
            Needless to say, I returned all of them, as not only were they ridiculously expensive but I was almost certain Dad would chide me for my extravagant spendings, despite how reasonable of a man he had evolved into. But unbeknown to me, the taller teenager tagging along had sneaked them back into his arms and I had only become cognizant of his deed when I had decided to check up on him for being suspiciously quiet.
            “Jonathan, what are you doing?” I gasped in wide-eyed astonishment. “Put them back!”
            “Why?” He tilted his head in sheer oblivion. “Didn’t you want them?”
            “I do, but you know I can’t! They’re too expensive, Dad would kill me if I even tried to buy one back.”
            “He won’t need to worry about you overspending because I’ll pay for it.”
            My jaw dropped at his unusual willingness to sacrifice his money for my sake, regardless of the jarring decimals printed on the price tags. He did not seem to be fazed by the amount that was being deducted off his card and the valuable papers disappearing from his wallet as the day progressed. Taking advantage of his mini stun attack, he advanced toward the counter with a pace boosted by the assumption that if he made the transaction before I could tell him no, I had no other choice but to accept his dangerous generosity.
            I made haste to intervene with his munificent tendencies by desperately reaching for his shoulder to prevent him from straying any farther from where we idled. He made no efforts to shake off my grasp and instead revealed a countenance that radiated lighthearted friskiness. With eyes enameled with an impish glint, it was an obvious sign of an act done for his personal amusement. Despite recognizing this implication, I partially followed suit and playfully begged him to reinstate the toys.
            In a linear fashion, Jonathan deposited each box back to their original whereabouts, sliding each one perfectly back to fill the awkward void they created. With each vacancy erased with the presence of its occupant, like puzzle pieces connecting with one another, the higher my internal security towered as I could now reassure myself that Jonathan had nothing up his sleeves. However, that peace was short lived when I discovered his hand still latched onto the pale body of a lonesome plushie that resembled an identifiable ghostly, gelatinous mass of slime, which was associated as a common enemy of a game I knew.
            “Just let me spoil you with one, okay?” He waved the unthreatening form of the monster, its stitched beady eyes practically piercing through my soul with a lifeless entreaty to adopt it.
            Given his tendency to be persistent, my shoulders slumped in reluctancy, not even striving to convince him otherwise. Instead, I hopelessly sought comfort in my own words. “Fine, but you need to let me pay for dinner.”
            And indeed, he kept our deal without an ounce of resistance, entirely sated with the deceivingly cute specter snuggling up against my chest, but despite having possessed the power to call off the trade we concurred with, only disappointment settled in my bones. I internally cursed at myself for not being more specific with the requirements on my side of the bargain as the vagueness of my negotiation had landed us in the queue of a cheap fast food restaurant. Jonathan had insisted that he had a craving for the unhealthy goodness, but even the priciest meal of a hefty burger, a heap of fries, a milkshake and a dessert had barely costed half of my lunch.
            We immersed ourselves in a lively chatter that enriched the atmosphere that was losing its briskness from the thinning multitude with camaraderie and dove ourselves into dusk, where many would have retreated back under the shelter of their rooms. At the periphery of my consciousness were mental explorations of avenues to remove the debt my guilt and anxiety clung onto, repudiating the idea of being overly indulged without giving back to the same extent. With my concentration waning at the presence of two priorities, I subsequently resurfaced to our discussion from the depths of my new-found trouble after electing to worry about it at home.
            In the course of a breath, the lane bordered with wilting nature steering us back to our humble abode had transitioned to a trail fringed with towers of trees and strategically constructed benches that faced the lake. Still, I hid my confusion and trusted his lead. Under the moonlight, we sat at one of the seats beneath the lamp and at last, Jonathan requested to stay away from the urbanization just a little longer.
            “Since it’s nearby, it shouldn’t be a problem,” I commented, arms protecting the stuffed fiend that snuggled up on my lap. “My dad did tell us to be back before too late.”
            He dipped his head in agreement and snickered. “Wouldn’t want to be the victim of his wrath.”
            “But honestly, you’ll have to give him credit for not losing his temper in a long while.”
            “That’s true, he seems to be doing better . . . But, what about you?”
            My eyes widened as astonishment clamped onto me, having presumed he had left the prior incident at the arcade in history, never to be touched again. With my ability to spontaneously vocalize clogged at the back of my throat, my parted lips awaited the deliverance of my verbal shock which never came and abandoned the other youth in the wonted stillness of the night.
            “I mean, I hope you’re not still feeling bad about not giving that boy your figurine,” he blurted out, a whiff of hysteria seeping into his tone, as his nervousness painted a stiff smile. “You had all the right to keep it!”
            Fathoming his bid to comfort me for the wrong reason, I unleashed a snort, and as if his outburst had cured my temporary muteness, I let out a titter. Flushed with bewilderment, he reaffirmed his statement with the surmise I was not taking him seriously, which only added onto the hilarity. When he could no longer cope with his mortification, he self-consciously  commanded me to stop laughing.
            “Sorry, sorry,” I articulated between spasmodic bouts of breathless chuckles, endeavoring for composure. “Thanks, but that’s not why I felt upset earlier.”
            Replenishing my lungs with the cleansing air of earthiness, my jaunty twitches were liberated from my system as the vivid evocation of the melancholy from the experience aroused my mind. Profound listlessness shadowed my gaze as my perspective drooped down from the picturesque spectacle of the shimmering reservoir to the rustic tracks. My embrace around the manmade creature involuntarily tightened to gratify my craving for its nurturing softness as a method to pacify the unspoken pain.
            “It’s just . . .” I exhaled delicately. “That mom and her kid reminded me of something.”
            Like before, I was incapacitated by an invisible weight on my tongue and I could mutter no more. Inwardly, I was attending Mom’s memorial again, grieving over the angelic portrait of her greeting me tenderly, but the touch of Jonathan’s arm snaking around my shoulders severed the emotional link to my daydream. He pulled me closer to him, and even though his lips formed a thin straight line to express his seriousness, his eyes were gentle, as if he was trying to convey to me not to force myself.
            I looked skyward at the luminescent dots that twinkled above and somehow discovered the courage to continue my story beneath the beauty while drawing my attention to his act of commiseration. With a final breath to push me on, I explained the details of our family’s origin and the impact the misfortune had on me. I was not used to sharing such personal information with anyone, but with someone I trusted, some of the heaviness on my heart seemed to have been lifted.
            “I’m sorry for your loss,” he sympathized, then gave a earnest smile. “But you have me, you don’t have to feel lonely anymore.”
            His reassurance flooded me with a variety of emotions, ultimately a sense of healing I had yearned for. I was well aware of the positive effects I had being in his presence, but hearing him admit such kind words made me feel okay. Even if I felt lost in the middle of nowhere, I strongly believed things would be fine for once. This interaction alone was the extra confidence boost I needed to provide him the response he was patient for.
            “I like you too, you know?” I confessed coyly, watching Jonathan’s facial features shift. “For a while now, actually. I don’t feel as lonely with you around, though admittedly I have sometimes because I was jealous.”
            “Of who?”
            I scoffed at his oblivion. “Natalie. You hung around her so often.”
            “I was trying to ask her for relationship advice. She has a boyfriend, you know?”
            “How the hell was I supposed to know that!” I angrily pouted and groaned, cheeks flushed. “I was jealous for nothing.”
            “Not really,” he smirked. “I’m pretty happy you returned my feelings so quickly.”
            I rolled my eyes at him and suddenly stood up with a calm grin, concealing my immense joy and ease under a repose. “Come on, let’s go home before we get killed.”
            He pressed his palms on the edge of the wooden slats and propelled himself off his seat before slyly extending his hand out. I returned his mischievous countenance to feign the same assertiveness and comfortably wrapped my fingers around his, earning a radiant beam, before we commenced our saunter back. Needless to say, as we unlaced our digits and opened the door, a disapproving Dad was at the entrance with his arms crossed. Though our date concluded on an ending that could have been better, nothing else could waver the contemporary strength I had uncovered with Jonathan.