The shadow of a god

Chapter 4: Are you still you?

The rooftop of this apartment building was a nice place to hang out at.
"The stars in the night sky sure are beautiful," I muttered.
Stars that are as bright as Rimuru's eyes, yet as unknown.

What do I do?
I just.. want to know her.
The real her. Who she really is.

But to know her, I'd have to let her know me too.
Could I handle her looking disgusted as she looks deep inside me?
A heart that turned into ash, ribs sturdy as a shield, and a personality unrecognizable.

If I didn't go on that raid, would I still have stayed the same?
I put my hand to the air and stared at it.
If I hadn't gone to that raid, then I wouldn't be this strong.

I'm not as strong as Rimuru, but I'm strong enough to finally believe in myself.
I can protect everyone I love.

Losing myself would be alright if it were for them.
Let my mind crumble, making me a monster, for all I care.
Just.. protect them.

Was this what she felt during that raid with Huang Dong-su?
She was a monster.
Yet when she looked back at me, she wore an expression of guilt.
Was it the guilt of killing those people, or the guilt of letting me see it?

"Rimuru.."

Even I feel a bit fearful of her, but it's Rimuru.
The only one I can actually trust wholeheartedly.
I was close to giving up until I found her.

She who experienced tragedy still wore a big smile on her face the day I met her.
It was contagious.
I was on the verge of crying that moment but then she and I locked eyes with each other.
Immediately after our eyes met, she gave me a bright smile.
Brighter than the sun definitely.

I had hope.
She showed me kindness nobody else ever did.

I let out a breath.
The air up here's cold.

"Rimuru.."

I miss you.
Don't leave me alone.
The Jin-woo you met isn't here anymore, but I'm still Jin-woo.

Please.
I don't think I can bear to live a life without you.
Who would be my best friend?

I want to know you.
Just so we'd never be forced to leave each other.
And now, I want you to know me.

Dig deep into me, so what?
If it's you then it'd be fine.

"Rimuru.."

"Yes?"
I swallowed the saliva due to uneasiness.

"R-Rimuru?"
She stared for a solid second.
Her head tilted as I called out her name.

This is the chance to get to know her.

"Let's talk for a bit. You know, we missed a lot of basic introduction, so I-I want to know you more."
"Oh?" she said.
My face was heating up.
If Rimuru and I were to know each other even more than we do now, would everything still be the same?

She stood up and walked closer to me.
Her face looked up to mine, her eyes like a doll.
"You're taller now."
Strangely, I felt my cheeks burn.
As if I was set on fire.

She chuckled at my reaction.
She spoke, "You're fun to tease."
"Th-That's no fair," I stuttered.
Well, that was embarrassing.
Her giggles filled the air.

"So that's how you are when you're teased, eh? Cute reaction."
"How is this getting to know me better..?" I asked.
"You dunno? You can tell a lot about a person by the way they react when getting teased," she explained.
She thought for a bit before adding, "If a person gets mad, then they have anger issues, if they get sad, then they're probably insecure." Her eyes took a glance at me.
"If they get embarrassed, then they're just plain cute."

God.
Is this her way of flirting or something?
Whatever it is.. It's definitely working.
"You're as red as a tomato!" She grinned.

In her presence, I felt weak in my knees.
Even before it was like this.
In the past, we were the ones who knew each other the most.
Now..

As I succumbed to my thoughts, a voice interrupted me.
"Jin-woo," she snapped at me.

I blinked my eyes repeatedly.
"I thought you wanted us to know each other more? Then, don't doze off.
Let's talk, you and me."
I pursed my lips.

"Do you.. know me now?"
She looked baffled by what I just said.
There was a moment of silence before her expression changed.
"...I don't think I do. At least not anymore.
You and I, we've been best friends for about 2 years, right?"
I nodded.
"It'll stay that way.
I'll get to know the new you, and I'll love you just the same."

My heart tightened.
So that's how she feels about me, huh?

"I'm sorry," I apologized with tears threatening to leave my eyes.
"F-For what?" She widened her eyes, confused.
I bit my lip, "I don't know you as well as I thought I did. The way you acted in the raid with Huang Dong-su.. it scared me."
Her eyes were filled with fear.
"I didn't know you at all in that moment." I felt hopeless.

The girl I thought I knew the best showed me a version of herself that didn't align to this idea I had of her.
All of the facts I knew about her shattered.
What if blue wasn't her favorite color?
What if she didn't like me as much as I thought she did?

"Look at me, Jin-woo."
I opened my eyes that were closed shut, and saw her with puffed cheeks in front of me.
"You never saw that version of me because there wasn't a need for it.
That was merely me in survival mode. The normal me is the one you have always known, alright?" I meekly nodded.

Her frail hands cupped my cheeks.
I felt the warmth of her fingertips.
The touch of her hand comforted me.

"Jin-woo. No matter how much you change, I'll always think of you the same.
You will always be my best friend," she soothed.
I sighed, "you promise?"
She brought my head closer to hers, making our foreheads have contact with one another.
"I promise on the tempest name."

My feelings for Rimuru stays the same no matter what.
Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought I did.

"You're still as cute as the day I met you," she added.

...Yeah, both of us are still pretty much the same.