The Shape of Me

I Like To Remember

I like to remember you,

Although it's the worst.

Everything that you told me

Haunts me still like a curse.

I remember when you told me

That you'd never leave me,

And I had believed you

And for that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything that I've done.

Who I've loved, 

What I've taken,

That I've dropped more than once.

I just want to see you

In everything that I do;

In the poems that I've written

And the fucks that I've given

Because I gave up since you.

You were my rock and my glue

Who held me to sleep

Back when I was two.

I gave up on lullabies

And feeling safe.

I'm used to goodbye's

And hearing their lies

When they tell me that 

You're in a better place.

But this was your heaven.

This was your safe base.

I gave up on visiting 

You in the graveyard

Because I don't know if you're listening.

I don't know where you are.

I gave up on crying

And trying to feel pain.

Cutting wrists, burning fingers -

It's just not the same

Because nothing compares to the pain of your memory

And nothing I share will stop this lonely

Feeling inside.

I'm trying to hide

Because I give up on people

And caring, just to lose them.

I give up on sadness

And happiness, and freedom

Because I'm trapped by these memories,

Numbed by remembering.

But I will not forget

Your hold when I'm sleeping.

I like to remember your kindness,

Your smiles,

The shape in your bed,

The gleam in your eyes.

I do all that I can 

To remember your name:

A tattoo of your name,

Some physical pain.

Some scars on my wrists 

Are all that I have

To remember my mum,

To remember her kiss.

My mum was my hero.

She was the best.

But she came to an end

Because of a lump in her breast.

I miss her so much.

I like to remember

What was good, what was pure,

Being two and held by her.

But I cannot forget chasing her hearse.

I cannot forget the day of the curse.

And now I ask all of,

Don't forget.

Save your families, your friends,

And remember to get checked.