Story of my life, searching for the right but it keeps avoiding me

Notes:

This is sort of a continuation of "I need to believe no matter what happens in our lives we can come back from it". You don't need to read that story to get this one. This mostly came to be because of the hate I got from Olicity shippers on the above mentioned story, so I guess we should thank them for inspiring me, lol.

Story of my life, searching for the right but it keeps avoiding me She's more than a woman and this is more than love the reason that the sky is blue

He was fucked, and he knew it. He'd known it even before he had reached the point of no return. And he couldn't blame anyone but himself. He knew that. It had been his choices, his actions that had led him here to this moment, where he was faced with the consequences of his actions. It had been a moment to show him whether he had really changed and truly wasn't the person he used to be anymore. Except, every single one of his actions up to this point said otherwise, told him he hadn't changed, not really.

He watched Felicity enter their apartment, putting her things away and let the last couple of days and his actions pass through his mind yet again, part of him still considering how he was going to proceed, knowing what he needed to do, what the right thing was to do but not what the right way to do it was. He'd had hours trying to figure it out on his way home from Central City and while sitting here, waiting for her to come back home from work. Yet, he hadn't reached a conclusion yet.

He'd spent so much time trying to decide how to explain to her what had happened and why, but how could he explain something he wasn't entirely sure of himself? He'd meticulously went through every single event that had led to him screwing up, trying to understand his actions, yet he was no closer than he had been right after.

"Hi, I didn't know you'd be back already. Did everything work out alright? Is Barry and everyone okay?" It took her a while to notice him sitting on the couch, but once she did, she came right up to him, chattering away as she was known to do. A trait that was both endearing and, depending on the situation, a bit annoying, but he loved her for it. He didn't miss the slightly accusing note in her voice, probably because he hadn't contacted her since he'd screwed up. He felt bad for it, but it was the only thing that hadn't felt like a lie and pretending.

"Yeah, everything went fine, and so is everyone. I'm sorry for going MIA." She bent down to kiss him, and he slightly leaned back in a subtle but obvious way. He watched her face closely, the way it went from confusion to disbelieve to hurt. She bent her torso back and straightened, taking a half step back.

"What's going on?" The rejection and sting his behavior had caused her was easily detected in the sound of her voice and he felt bad for it, this wasn't how he had wanted things to go... this hadn't been how he had planned to... it just wouldn't have felt right, not after... He forced himself to look up into her beautiful, very expressive eyes the hurt reflected within them nearly did him in. The last thing he had ever wanted to do was hurt her. Protecting her, keeping her safe, had always been his goal. It had been the reason why he had stepped back and pushed her away. He should've never given in. If he had let it be, they wouldn't be here now, and he wouldn't have to hurt her in ways he had never meant to, never dreamed he could. At least not until recently, and even then it had only been a percussion. He'd never actually thought he'd...

"We need to talk, or more accurately, there is something I need to tell you." There was no more stalling, and there was no more figuring out how to proceed. His time was up.

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"You don't have to, you know. I won't say anything, so if you don't tell her, she won't ever know." He looked at the woman sitting across from him, he appreciated what she was trying to do and knew the truth behind her statement, Sara had been the keeper of his secrets for almost as long as they've known each other just like he had been the keeper of hers, and it was a tempting offer... but he was better than that, he had changed, he wasn't that stupid, immature boy who'd shied away from difficult conversations and refused to face his own mistakes anymore. At least this was what he liked to tell himself. What he had told himself for years.