Hidden Feelings

Chapter 1: Realizations

It was the GMMTV 2023 Outing, a company trip where GMMTV employees have the opportunity to take part in a variety of fun activities and games. It was supposed to be a memorable trip to create exciting memories with friends but all First felt was anger and sadness. He stood in silence, in the corner of the room with hues of blues and purples from the lights painting his face.

There were hundreds of people surrounding him but he couldn't hear or see anything besides two individuals: Khaotung Thanawat and Gun Attaphan. Khao was smiling from ear-to-ear as he watched the smaller friend dancing his heart out to the booming rhythm of the music. First felt something within him that he didn't recognize—it was an emotion he wished he could instantly erase. He was jealous and he didn't know why. There was something about seeing Khao staring admiringly at Gun that made First feel pained, as if that look was only meant for him.

He couldn't tell if it was the alcohol or the crowds of people that was heightening these feelings but he instantly knew he was affected the moment he felt a tear stream down his face. Attempting to temporarily hide his sudden low spirits, he rubbed his eyes to dry the wetness from his face and walked up to his friend.

"I think I'm going to head in for the night, I'm feeling a bit tired." First said, trying to be loud enough to hear against the competing background noise.

"Oh, really? It's only 11:30. Do you want to go back to the room together?" Khao responded.

"No no no it's fine! I think I'm just a bit exhausted from traveling up here. I'll be good after some rest. You continue having fun." First affirmed, flashing his iconic sunny smile.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, then. Have a good night, Firfir," Khao responded with a smile.

First's eyes widened as he saw Khao's expression return to blissful content as he continued to dance alongside Gun.

Usually, Khao would join him to hang out for the night but something seemed different, and he felt scared that he didn't know why.

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The walk back to the room was long and First couldn't help but slump gloomily as he found it hard to forget the image of Khao's smiling face as he watched Gun dance. It's not Gun's fault he's so darn charismatic and fun to be around but there was something that continued to bother First throughout the night.

"Why am I feeling like this? I see Khao hanging with different friends and coworkers all the time. What could make tonight different?" First thought to himself.

That's when he remembered his interview with StarStruckMedia, where Khao admitted to wanting to work with Gun. There was something about that response that made him jumpy. He also remembered Khao mentioning in another interview where he was mesmerized by Gun's cuteness while dancing. It was obvious, Khao is a fanboy. During both occasions, he felt the same burning feeling in his chest. Thinking about these events now only heightened these negative emotions.

"Even if he's Gun's fan, it doesn't explain why I'm feeling this way." First kept questioning himself, hoping to stumble on an answer. He continued to think deeply about his emotions as he walked to his hotel room.

He finally made it to his room and as he pried open the door, it felt like he was lugging 50 pounds of steel. His groggy state from the liquor made it hard to locate the light switch so he had to rely on his sense of touch to decipher where the furniture was located in the dimly lit room. The feeling of relief swept over him as he was able to find the bed and lie his back down on the soft comforter. After partying for hours with his friends and coworkers he was ready to relax but unfortunately, he was now left alone to think for the rest of the night in the dark, silent room. His only source of light being the glimpse of the street lamps outside, peeking through the half open curtains of the window beside his bed. They left a slightly blue tinge to the space.

It was at this moment that he began reflecting on his relationship with Khao and the small clues that revealed his true feelings for his friend of five years. First recalled a variety of moments where he saw Khao in an endearing light. There are even moments where he let his mind wander to think about how cute and attractive Khao is while accidentally revealing these thoughts to the individual himself. I mean, who wouldn't look at Khao without automatically getting distracted by his beauty and kind nature? These thoughts just came naturally to First.

After further evaluation, there were more things First had realized. He realized that he loved their hangouts even if there were times when they'd go hours without talking. He realized that Khao is the main person who could brighten his day with a simple good morning text. He realized that Khao is the person he looks for in a crowded room of people, the person who makes him feel the safest, and the person he wants to spend the most time with. He realized life just couldn't be the same without Khao in it because he made everything better. He realized...

"Oh no." First starts to feel that same painful twinge in his chest again. "Am...I in love with him?"