I used to have a coping mechanism that I loved.
Don't get me wrong, it was toxic as fuck and ruined my irl life,
But at least I fucking felt something.
I would make up fake scenarios and sink into them completely, zoning out and giving in to real, actual emotions.
I want to feel this again. I don't know why real life can't make me feel real anymore.
But I just can't find the right scenarios about the right people in the right settings.
Back then I used to be obsessed with fictional characters.
I imagined the worst things happening and them being there for me.
I guess now i tend to be more obsessed with real people.
And daydreaming about them in these intense situations just to feel something just
Doesn't feel right.
So i guess i just won't feel at all.
But I really wish I could do it all again.
It's toxic, I know.
But it's an addiction.
I need it.
But it doesn't work anymore.
I just want to feel something again.
