𝐑𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐧 | 𝐇𝐞𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐠

𝐒𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐘𝐨𝐮

A/N - I recommend listening to 'the 30th' by Billie Eilish whilst reading this chapter.

(TW themes some may find upsetting ahead.)

"And that's when the teacher caught him. Can you believe it?" 

You recite the story just as it happened, wiping the tears that had gathered in your eyes due to the childish laughter that fell from your lips.

"I wish you'd been there to see it." 

And suddenly those droplets of joy turn to sad ones - the same kind you'd felt this time last year - when the trees became leafless and ground a slippery slope, yet despite the icy fog - it was far from a haze, burned into your memory like a nightmare that would never truly end.

- Flashback -


"Danielle!" 

The two of you giggle, arm in arm on route to your house for a sleepover. Your best friends eyes are giddy as usual, her fingers grasping yours tightly - even in the coldest of months, Danielle was your summer magic, the true embodiment of warmth and comfort, embedded within the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen.

She still was - six feet deep in her grave a year later, you feel her skin, the soft touch that made you live at ease - the girlish charm of her obnoxious laughter that made you shy away from passers by. 

If only you could just hear it again, you'd have laughed a little longer, spent more time taking her to places she enjoyed and listening to the playlists she made for you. You'd always felt guilty over the accident, never forgetting the day you'd woken up in hospital, having missed her funeral and walking out to her parents that loved you liked their own - their gorgeous young daughter taken from all of you too soon.

- End Of Flashback - 

"Danielle, I miss you so much." 

You're sobbing now, choking on your words and kneeling at her headstone, wondering if she could see how much of a void she'd left the day that car hit you both.

"I miss the way we used to find anything funny." 

"I miss when you'd call me at every second of the day and show up to my house uninvited because you knew I could never turn you away." 

"I miss those stupid notes you'd write me in class in broken french that got us detentions every friday." 

"Dani..." You shiver.

"I love you."

How could this be real? 

Here you were, screaming your entire heart out above her grave, blaming yourself for every bad thing that could ever possibly happen to anyone you love because your best friend in the entire world had died and you'd survived. 

You were alive just like the grass that blossomed with each welcoming season, the flowers that took careful time to bloom in the cold spring air, creating a brightness to the black-marble that held the identity of her body, mind and soul. 

You wondered if people ever noticed her name upon annual visits to their lost loved ones and longed to know what kind of person she was, crying even more when you realise you'll never truly know who she was going to be. 

"I'll be back tomorrow with more." You weep, lifting the wilted tulips below her name with a little cotton bear you'd purchased on the way home yesterday, making sure to tie it down with a yellow ribbon - the same kind she'd sport in her ponytails during the summertime. 

In some way, you're almost glad you'd missed the day she'd been put to rest, knowing that you wouldn't possibly be here today comforting her final memorial if you had. Surely, you fight back anymore tears, surely you'd have died of a broken heart right there and then - knowing that she wouldn't be there to turn to and laugh with on those tiring Monday mornings at school.

In this storm, within the wind that howls, Danielle is the gentle centre.

And so you come to rest at her side. You see the watchers that disapprove and the judgement they feel so entitled to. You wonder what they would have you do, lift the world in one arm? Push back the tide with only your weakened mind? Because what they expect is equally impossible. Every person needs a harbour, a secure attachment of love - for without one they are in such pain, so lost, shutting down. Then life becomes a torture most are expected to endure, surviving, not living.

Were it not for Dani, your best friend - there would be no relief, no emotional morphine. She is your hero and your heroin. Of course you are addicted to her - but for every reason that is pure and right. She is safety and love, an anchor you hold onto, that you tether yourself to because you want to and could never possibly let go. So for those watchers who have plenty, who have never felt the brutal sting of losing their entire world in one moment that would haunt them forever, the kind that shatters all emotional bonds, may take such opinions and bury them in the same dirt you'd buried your entire life.

Of all the companions the universe could have sent, you are forever in gratitude that it was Danielle you'd met. For in her company, in her strong emotional warmth and intelligence, you became a version of yourself that had never been seen out by anyone.

True love, friendship and a sisterhood that you'd rekindle some day - but live on in her memory so long as the plane between earth and heaven should stay.

The walk home is longer than usual, simply because you can barely even muster the strength to move forward amidst the thick blanket of snowflakes that seemed to only get heavier as seconds passed by. You were certain the tears that fell from your cheeks had turned to crystals upon the icy atmosphere - finally making it through your front door and into the kitchen, hand reaching for a singular portioned tub of  instant ramen that could be easily made in the microwave. 

An effort that despite simple, took  a lot of effort these days - especially with the accidents one year anniversary coming up.

Sitting before the TV static, you slurp the under-cooked noodles, grimacing at the bland flavour as you eye the unopened seasoning packet on the counter top.

And there they were again, those depressed tears and turning stomach, insides drawing jagged and tight with pain that left you paralysed - thoughts of her that cross your mind and how scared she must've been when feeling the life slowly slip from her fingers - not even the chance of a coma that you'd been given. 

Danielle had died alone on that road beside your unconscious body, her last thoughts probably having been prayers that you make it - because that's just the person she was.

Her parents had described the scene to you upon your curiosity of every detail - her hand tightly covering yours and the marks that indicated she'd dragged herself across that road after the driver fled in fear - now behind bars because had he stayed - she probably could've lived too, or at least made it to the hospital with some life left.

They promised you that Danielle had adored you so. 

And of course, you just cried - knowing how much she would care for you in anything she did. 

Memories of her scribbling out the calories in any snacks you'd enjoy together, forcing you to eat until the point she had to physically pry your mouth open - and that makes you laugh a little. 

Danielle would have jumped in front of a moving car for you if she had to and even though it had hit you both, you feel her life entwined with your own, the sunny breath of her soul that she'd breathed into your lips to keep you going until the ambulance found you both almost half an hour later, laying in the crimson coloured snow on a road that was supposed to be closed due to the weather.

At some point you fall into a slumber, tired of the pain and insomnia this entire ordeal had caused you - even a year on.

Sometimes you wish you'd have just died with her, bled out on that snow and departed from this earth together - but pause to stop yourself, feeling her shake you into some sense along the lines of having to live out your dreams along with hers.

It just wasn't your time yet, despite feeling it with every bone in your body on those days that had been extra hard. 

For now, you'd just sleep it off, if tonight was agony, the following weeks would be pure hell.

A/N - I cried a lot whilst writing that. I hope, despite the sadness, you're enjoying this story so far and will continue to anticipate where it goes from here. <3