Just because I eat doesn't mean I live.
Just because I sleep doesn't mean I dream.
Just because I read doesn't mean I learn.
Just because I kiss doesn't mean I love.
I used to think that love would last forever. At least with that one person. He decided otherwise. He decided to leave me. He decided to leave me when I needed him the most. I really thought he could be the one. I was clearly mistaken. Lately, he's been obnoxious, he's been pushy, he's been an intensive jerk. But the more I was trying to see through him, the more he was shying away from me. I'll never know why. Ironically, the only way I could get through was to insult him. He couldn't take it. He hated them, those insults. I called him the worst names, I regret though. I thought we could grow over these difficult times. The distance didn't help, for sure. But I believed and I hoped. I hoped we could overthrow this obstacle, as long as we were one. I was clearly mistaken.
"My dearest H.,
I decided to write some words today. I need to get these written. I need to stop and fret over you. Really, it is unhealthy.
I try to remember where it started to go wrong. I try to remember where everything started to change between us. I can't. I don't know where it went wrong between you and me. I have the feeling that the distance finally got us. It killed us. It murdered our couple and everything I believed in. But what did I believe in? Why did I have so much faith in us? Why did I believe we would overcome all these obstacles?
Yeah, I know, I had so much faith in us because I believed you would carry the weight of the distance on your shoulders. I thought you were the strongest of us. I was stupid to think that, because you've proven I was wrong. And more than just once. I knew at some point I had to fight for us. And I did. With all my heart, but I just couldn't go on. This fight was difficult to be fought when I was feeling that you were abandoning me. You were distanciating even more.
As to our promise. The one we vowed to keep forever and a day. The one that said we would never say goodbye, yeah, that stupid naive little promise. I happily broke it tonight. I know in the end I'll be the one to suffer out of it. But I needed to be freed from you. I needed to be freed from the hold you had on me. I felt like a prisoner. A prisoner of the distance. A prisoner of everything you've put me through.
H., I really loved you, I still do. But what you did to me, the way you've treated me over the years, I had to free myself from that. I need to come to terms with that. I'll learn to trust myself. The trust you took away from me by making me so dependent of you. I'll grow out of it. Somehow I will."
Just because I'm surviving
Just because I have no hope anymore
Just because I'm dying
Just because I'm done.
