Lindsey's POV
I wish everything had turned out different, no matter what I did, where I was, nothing ever filled that emptiness, that longing that I'd always have and had when Stevie wasn't with me, nothing filled the void the way she did, she was like an addiction and I always felt like I was dying when I feared it was really over or if she really hated me and had been turned against me by her stupid friends that didn't understand us.
I knew I made mistakes but how many times could I apologise for them, I suffered every day with my guilt, regretting how when Stevie had hurt me I'd reacted in anger because I was scared, so scared of what would happen, that did end up happening, I just wanted another chance, to show her, why couldn't she give me that, I knew she missed me, missed us, I could tell, from her expressions, her songs, the front she put on, its like she was torturing herself and the thought of her feeling the pain I felt every day hurt more than anything, I wanted to hate her for what she did to us, but I knew I probably caused it, I also knew I could never hate her, never let go and that was the hard part, I'd hope for us until I was dead, that stupid little hope would always be there, no matter what stood in the way, that hope had always kept me going, hoping someday she'd forgive me, someday she'd give me that chance I blew too many times.
What was the point of us both hurting, her trying to act she didn't care, how many fucking songs did I have to try and release to show her they were about her, I was sorry, she was all I wanted, how many times, instead she met my attempts with silence or anger, that tore me up inside, anger was supposed to be a good sign, it means I still got to her, but I didn't want anger, I just wanted to see her look at me the way she used to, I had never seen her smile like that again, laugh the way she used to, what if I really was horrible and had ruined her, was toxic like her stupid friends said, I questioned myself so much over the years that had made me act ways I never thought I could, my own fears drove me crazy and made me lose everything, my everything was always Stevie, no matter how much fame, money, success I got it wasn't the same, nothing made me happy the way Stevie did, I'd spent a lifetime trying to find another her but couldn't, I had still wanted that future we planned, growing old together, travelling together, having a family, it never measured up with anyone else and then I hated that fill in because she wasn't Stevie, no matter who, I knew I treated them like shit, Carol Ann was the first of many because I resented them they weren't Stevie, I'd be angry it wasn't Stevie here with me and I'd take it out on them, I was angry, mostly at myself, why didn't I treat Stevie better when I had her, my protectiveness of her came off as controlling but it was because I cared about her more than she cared about herself and I had worried so much she'd accidentally kill herself with the lifestyle or increased drug intake, I'd worry who she hung around because she was so fucking beautiful and so many shady guys would try and take advantage of her, of course I got jealous sometimes, who wouldn't I felt her drifting, I never felt good enough, I clearly wasn't good enough because she left me and I'd never got over it, she wouldn't even seem to give me another chance.
I wanted to reach out again, but I had so many times, it should be her turn, but I knew I would again, I'd try and hope forever, I wished I could go into an alternate world where I hadn't fucked things up, where Stevie still loved me the way I'd always love her, I'd do anything, I'd give up all the fame of this life just to have that quiet life and kids with Stevie, why couldn't she give me that chance, time was running out, I was sick of waiting and trying, its like I never got anything for trying, I knew I shouldn't reach out again, but I wanted too, no matter how much she hurt me, I felt I should still be sorry so of course I started trying to decide what to say to her, I just hoped maybe this time, she'd give me that chance.
