Dear T - The messages I'll never send you

The reason why I started writing the messages I'll never send;

T, I often go back to how it all started. To the beginning of us, how it felt, how it looked and the feelings I didn't know I was capable of feeling.
You saved me once, you were my knight in shining armour, the proposed hero to my story but in the end I see how I put you on a pedestal you could not stay on for longer than a year.

The backstory:
I left my abusive relationship for you, you treated me like no one had before. You were kind, loving and wanted nothing more than to make me smile. You gave it your all at the beginning, we were so happy and in love. It took me a while to get out of my toxic habits but with you I learnt how to love, patiently and kindly. To have my expectations and needs met. You struggled with communicating at the beginning, you found it difficult to let me in but when you did, we started to fall hard. You let me see a side of you that no one had seen before, we talked for hours about what we wanted from life and how we wanted all of that together. You never wanted kids but towards the end you wanted that with me. You wanted to spend your life with me and when you said it, I know you meant it. I learnt how to forgive and let go so we could move on together as a couple. I was no longer jealous or insecure, you gave me a sense of security I never knew I could have. Maybe that's why it hurt so much when you left.

We travelled together, made so many precious memories together. I was the first and only girl you took to your farm, and in your family that meant I was special and you were serious about me. You cried about how much you loved me then, now that feeling you gave me is nothing but a faded memory.

The ending:
You could never let go of your mindset that you had to do things all by yourself, to prove you were worthy and better than your dad. I tried my best to help you see past your toxic masculinity, to help you understand it's okay to have people support you and for a moment you tried. I'll never forget the breakdown you had, when the pressure of everything got too much for you and you wanted to break up with me and I didn't let you, you thanked me for that. For not giving up on you. I promised you I never would but that was before you went to a place I could not follow, before you made it clear you didn't want a relationship anymore or want me. You couldn't be in a relationship anymore. Sometimes I think I loved you too much, I gave too much and you couldn't handle it. Those are just sweet thoughts to make the pain less sour.

Now, I'm alone again. Just me, myself and I. I can't bring myself to go into much more detail about us and the special connection we had, those are our secrets. Maybe I'll be able to talk in further detail about us one day, and how happy our relationship was and before you broke my heart. You are trying to look after yourself and improve yourself, when we broke up and even now you say one day you will deserve me. You are so dumb because you already did but I see now I shouldn't let that thought give me a false sense of hope.

So for now, I will write to you the messages I will never send. They bring me comfort, I hope they will bring others comfort too. To know someone else understands their pain, to know someone else believes in right person wrong time even if it's a beautiful lie we tell ourselves to justify the fact we are still in love or if it's a bittersweet reality only some of us could wish for. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fantasies I tell myself, they are nothing but that. Just fantasies and the most beautiful lies I have ever told myself to justify the love I still have for you.